'AITA for asking my boyfriend about his finances before marriage?'

"AITA for asking my boyfriend about his finances before marriage?"

So basically, my boyfriend (24) and I (24) talked about having a more traditional setup after marriage. We would both work, but I’d reduce my workload to around 60–80% so I could handle most of the cooking and cleaning, and he would be the main breadwinner. Once we have kids, the plan was for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

Recently, I wanted to talk through everything seriously before marriage—finances, expectations, future plans, etc. He didn’t like that and said it felt like I was “checking his answers before marrying him.”

One of the questions I asked was about money. He earns a good salary but always seems to be broke. He still lives with his family, so when I roughly calculated expenses, it didn’t really add up. I asked if he had any debt or if I might be more expensive as a girlfriend than I realize.

I genuinely didn’t mean this in a bad way—I just wanted transparency so we could work on things together if needed. He took this very badly. He said I don’t acknowledge what he does for me and that he no longer wants to be the breadwinner. Now he says everything should be split 50/50 financially.

The problem is that I want kids, and I never wanted them to be raised mainly by daycare or groups—I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom when they’re young. With a strict 50/50 setup, I don’t see how that would work. So now I’m questioning myself: Was I wrong for asking about his financial situation before marriage?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Flimsy_Jackfruit607 wrote:

I would suggest you don't become a stay at home mum, you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you are dependant on someone. You never know what the future might bring, and starting from zero at an advanced age, sucks. Although if you insist, you should still try and find a way to make income at home, via social, arts, crafts or any internet venture.

Lerrdite wrote:

NTA. Fights and misunderstandings about money are why a lot of marriages break up. Worse if there are kids involved. You have a right to know what to expect, and if your values and habits are compatible. Seems like you're seeing a side of him that's defensive, controlling, and manipulative for the way he's trying to shut you down.

Good for you for figuring out his income and brokeness (literally) don't add up. At a minimum, he's being immature, at worst, hiding some kind of irresponsibility. Sounds like he's guarding that extra 10-30% of his income for himself ever since you voiced the discrepancy. Learning to communicate about money, and agreeing on it now, is way better than turning a blind eye.

You can both probably learn how to have mature discussions about finances...you may have to wade through emotions like pride, or panic, and also expectations, but yes, do it now well before any wedding. And take a personal finance course. Ideally together, but definitely for yourself. If you're going to be managing 50% of your shared money, you want to make it go as far as possible, with safety nets.

NervousBrother7058 wrote:

NTA and this is a HUGE red flag. Before my boyfriend and I even moved in together we knew each other's incomes, savings, debt, general budgets, we had tons of conversations about money and they weren't always easy but they're vital if you want to build a life together.

The fact that he expects you to be fully financially dependent on him without having any idea of his financial habits is insane. He is clearly bad with money and insecure about it. I would absolutely not marry him until and unless he can have a mature, honest conversation about this. How long have you been together?

OtherwiseKoala4289 wrote:

NTA. Honestly, if someone isn't ready to talk about finances openly then they aren't ready for marriage. And they sure as hell aren't ready to have kids. Marriage is a total commitment, and one aspect of that commitment is financial. You're tying yourself together financially. It would be foolish to do so without a pretty good idea of the other's financial situation.

Frankly, I'd also be concerned that it seems his reaction was highly defensive, negative and emotional. If you are married for a decent amount of time, you will have much more difficult conversations than this.

So if you and he can't navigate this conversation maturely and sensibly, I'm not sure it speaks terribly well to your readiness to be married. Sorry to be harsh, but that's how it reads. Marriage is a big commitment, and the chances of long term success are much higher if you enter into it when you're really ready for it.

pluhgeh wrote:

You want to check his answers before marriage? Yeah girl AS YOU SHOULD! And as he should too! Being open about finances and expectations is one of the most important things before marriage. This sounds more like he has something to hide than him being pissy about some questions.

Trekkie_mum20234 wrote:

Oof…he’s hiding something OP. Being open about finances before marriage isn’t just a little question…it’s like a make it or or break it conversation. Absolutely needed and necessary. I would have walked the moment he questioned my motives. Serious red flags here! Forget everything else, his reaction to the question tells you everything. NTA.

UPDATE / Additional info: Thank you all for the responses. They really helped me reflect on the situation.To clarify, he is generally very kind and does pay for many things, which is actually part of why I started thinking more carefully about finances. When I roughly compared his salary to the expenses I’m aware of, I noticed a gap, which is what led me to ask my question in the first place.

I also want to be clear that I contribute financially as well—it’s not only him paying for everything. However, after his reaction to my question, I’ve started feeling uncomfortable with him spending money on me. For example, yesterday we went out just to relax and get drinks. Normally I might get something extra, but I didn’t this time.

He asked if it was because of our conversation, and I honestly said no. Later when we went out to eat, I made sure I paid. Right now, I don’t feel comfortable having him spend money on me after how that conversation went, and I’m still processing what this means for our future.

EDIT 2: I had a boyfriend with a gambling problem before, maybe it is necessary to mention.