'AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop having long, flirty conversations with his ex?'

"AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop having long, flirty conversations with his ex?"

I 23F have been with my boyfriend Dane 26M for 8 months. We met through mutual friends and things moved fast he’s sweet, funny, and we click really well. He’s also very open about his past, which I appreciate.

His ex Lila was his girlfriend for 3 years before they broke up 18 months ago. They stayed friends afterward, and he’s always said it’s purely platonic now. Here’s the issue: they text a lot. Like, daily. I’ve seen their chats pop up on his phone when we’re together inside jokes, memes, remember when stories, and a ton of laughing emojis.

A few weeks ago, I saw a message from her that said, You always knew how to make me smile 😘 And he replied, still do 😉. My stomach dropped. I didn’t snoop; his phone was just open next to me. I brought it up calmly that night. I told him I wasn’t accusing him of cheating, but the tone of their convos felt flirty and made me uncomfortable, especially since it’s an ex.

I asked if he could set boundaries like no late night texting, no winky faces, and maybe dial back the daily chatter to something more casual/friend-group level. I said I trust him, but I don’t want to feel like I’m competing with someone he has history with. Dane got defensive. He said Lila’s “ike family, that I was being controlling, and that he shouldn’t have to “censor” himself with a friend just because I’m insecure.

He accused me of trying to isolate him and said if I trusted him, this wouldn’t be an issue. He even showed me more of their chats to prove it’s innocent but half the stuff was them reminiscing about trips they took together or her saying miss our old hangouts. I stood my ground and said boundaries aren’t control, they’re respect.

Now he’s barely speaking to me and told his best friend I’m dramatic. His friend texted me saying I’m overreacting and Dane’s just a friendly guy.

AITA? I don’t want to police his friendships, but am I wrong for wanting less heart-eye energy with an ex?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Active-ad5625 wrote:

NTA. He's allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, sure, but you're allowed to feel uncomfortable with Dane and Lila's closeness when they're texting late at night and flirting.

I assume, based on "dial back the daily chatter to something more casual/friend-group level" he doesn't message his other friends like this, which validates your concerns in my eyes. That being said, boundaries are for you to decide what you're willing to put up with, not for controlling other people.

You can't force Dane to stop talking to Lila the way he does, so if he's not willing to listen to you, you have to decide whether you're willing to let it slide or if this relationship is over. It might be worth talking to him again before going that far, but given his reaction to the last time you tried bringing it up, I'm not optimistic.

OP responded:

Thank you. Yeah, I'm starting to think that maybe this is a bigger issue than I initially thought. His reaction was pretty telling, and now I'm wondering if he's really willing to work through this with me 🤷‍♀️. I do feel like his texting style with Lila is different from how he interacts with other friends, and that's what's making me uncomfortable.

Tasty_Association353 wrote:

Unpopular opinion, but ESH. Your BF-- He didn't make an effort to understand your needs or your underlying concerns. He jumped to painting you as The Bad Guy (controlling, insecure, etc.), which is gaslighting in a sense. Curiosity should have been at the forefront, not invalidation and attacking you for how you feel in response to his behavior.

Now as to why you are TA, OP. He is right-- your request is controlling. It's not a boundary, because boundaries are things YOU do. (E.g. "I will not tolerate being yelled at, and I will leave if that happens."<-- boundary.) You are trying to control his behavior, so yeah, not a boundary.

Rather than come in with a list of demands, it would have been better for you to talk it through with him about how his texting behavior makes you feel so that he gets a better understanding. Let him come up with solutions unprompted and on his own, and you evaluate his level of concern for you and your happiness.

But honestly, OP, his relationship with his ex sounds like emotional cheating. Your BF is right- you don't fully trust him (and rightfully so). You cannot ignore the evidence you have seen. I don't think he has really fully moved on. And that's something you need to decide if you are willing to tolerate or not.

So, if you want to give this relationship a chance (and are you sure you want to do that?), I suggest you apologize for your initial reaction that was controlling. It was. Lay out how his actions make you feel. See what happens. A relationship without mutual respect, good communication, and trust is doomed.

Uubilicious_the_wise wrote:

Depends on if this is just his texting style with everyone he's close to or if it's just with his ex? Nothing wrong with reminiscing about historic hang outs, trips experiences etc. Nothing wrong with chatting daily but maybe I'm biased because I do this kind of thing with an ex of mine.

We chat daily, chat about old times, can sometimes be a little flirty from some perspectives. We have a lot of history, broke up over two decades ago, attended each other's weddings, double date with our respective spouses and even joke that our spouses are more suited to each other than they are to us.

The key thing I think is that our spouses are fine with it and have been from the start. I'll go with NAH as I don't really think he's doing anything wrong at the moment and he seems to be quite open with you about the friendship.

You want what you want but you have to realise that telling him how he is allowed to text someone is essentially policing his relationship. If you trust him then trust him. All you're going to do otherwise is make him start getting secretive about their chats and that's where the real problems will begin.

AdMoist717 wrote:

I think his reaction tells you all you need to know, you told him you were uncomfortable and instead of trying to ease your fears or have a conversation he attacked you. A boundary isn’t someone you impose on someone else, it is something you set for yourself based on how you want to be treated.

You can’t make someone change their behaviour if they don’t want to. You can’t make someone care about your feelings. You can’t make someone respect your boundaries. You can set boundaries for yourself. You can reevaluate your situation based on those boundaries. You can make decisions about your life based on behaviours you choose to accept.

Strange_Apple_9570 wrote:

NTA! However, do you really want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't respect you? What he's doing is disrespectful. That's highly suspicious if he is engaging in daily communication with an ex-girlfriend.

Even though he claims it's plutonic, that smells like an emotional affair. His heart is with someone else, and you need to cut your loss before you get too deeply involved with him. He's barely speaking to you but speaking to his "ex" daily. Wake up!

4EverDev wrote:

NTA. Maybe it's move-on-to-a-new-boyfriend time. Think about it. Your current BF would be happy about how you're no longer censoring him, and you'd be happy with a new boyfriend who doesn't pull this BS on you. Win-Win!