'AITA for asking my dad why I should reward his cheating and breaking up our family when he told me I shouldn't punish him for being happy?'
"AITA for asking my dad why I should reward his cheating and breaking up our family when he told me I shouldn't punish him for being happy?"
A couple of years my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce and went to be with his high school crush. It was a total surprise to mom, me (19m) and my siblings (15f, 13f and 10m).
Dad said he never cheated but when he reconnected with this woman all the feelings he had before came back and he wanted his chance with her since she was the one he missed out on back then. He even admitted he never got over her and always knew he'd leave if he got his chance with her.
I've wanted nothing to do with him since and my siblings feel similarly, only they get no choice since he has equal custody as mom. They make life awful for him and for his girlfriend though and all three hope he stops making them socialize with them soon.
Since he left mom he has tried with me too. He invited me for family dinners and tried to set up a time for me to meet his girlfriend and for us to figure out a way forward. The only time I responded was to that last part and I told him the only way forward was no contact.
The only time I've seen dad in the last two years was at mom's house for my brother's 10th birthday. He got there early so he could talk to me. He told me he thought it was time I stopped punishing him and that I shouldn't punish him in the first place when he did something to make him happy and it had no impact on him.
I asked him how he figured that when he broke up our family and cheated. I said it was still emotional cheating when he was ready to leave mom if that woman snapped her fingers.
My dad emphasized the fact he never cheated and he told me it was nothing to do with me anyway. I told him it has everything to do with me when it changed my family and interrupted my life.
I asked him why I should reward those things and why I'd want his kind of influence in my life. I told him I didn't give a care about his happiness or that woman he's with and he was out of luck if he thinks he will ever get my seal of approval or get me to spend time with him and her.
Dad said my mindset was all wrong and us having a relationship doesn't reward him, it's good for me and it could add another woman in my life who would be supportive and compassionate when I need it.
He said it's what me and my siblings miss out on by rejecting his girlfriend and future wife. He also called me an AH for framing things in the worst possible light and for even thinking about this as rewarding vs not. I had to walk away because he was ready to keep that going and I didn't want it to spill into my brother's party. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You're not 'punishing' him. You just don't like him. And there's no reason on earth to hang out with people you don't like. That's it. Boiled down.
Absolutely. I don't know him and already I don't like him. I think he and this woman deserve themselves - and should be left completely alone to it. Let's see how long it lasts.
NTA my Dad cheated. My brother and I were young and now older are NC with him. If he was hung up on his ex he shouldn’t have married your Mum.
Caspsersn (OP)
This is what I'm talking about. His very first mistake was stringing mom along and probably other women before he met her. He was always going to leave someone for this woman he's with now and that's terrible to do to anyone.
Your dad taught you that ‘loved ones’ are replaceable. You now (understandably) want to replace him with someone who shares your values that ‘family’ means something.
NTA He's a hypocrite and an AH. You now know that he regards ‘family’ as disposable whenever it’s convenient, it’s sensible that you and your siblings don’t invest in his conditional ‘love’. You could spend your lives sucking up to him and he’d still throw you aside the moment it’s convenient. He FAFO’d.
NTA he doesn't get to blow up your family and then ask you to accept it. Tbh i would tell him that you do hope he's happy with his affair partner bc as soon as your youngest sibling is 18 he won't see any of you again.
NTA this really sucks for you and your siblings but jeeze, your poor mother to be with someone for so long only to find out you were always the replaceable runner up. Your dad is pathetic to think he’s going to have a relationship with any of his kids after putting their mother through that.
NTA. You don't like the person that he has become, and don't want to spend time with him. That's OK. Observation: One of these days you will want to get married & have kids. Stuff like that. Have a plan for how you are going to deal with him. NTA.
Caspsersn (OP)
He won't be invited or told directly about my future wedding or kids. And if he finds out and wants to be involved the answer will always be no.
The thing here is he made a choice. He may have deluded himself into thinking his choice was ok for him, but he cannot gaslight you into agreeing unless you allow it. He chose her over your mom. He chose her over his marriage and chose to break his vows and commitment.
Which means he chose her over his family. Which means he chose her over you and your siblings. If he really wanted her, he should have waited for her to want him back, he shouldn’t have had a placeholder family when he was always willing to leave at a moments notice.
He deserves your contempt and disrespect. He does not deserve to walk daughters down the aisle or play grandpa after he blew off and blew up your family. You’re much better off without him and his self serving lies and delusions.
He says he chose love but he actually chose to leave. And as for his home wrecking POS girlfriend she made a choice too and she does not ever EVER deserve peace and inclusion into your lives.