'AITA for asking my friend to take down her bachelorette party photos?' 'Am I really being unreasonable?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my friend to take down her bachelorette party photos?"

To start this off I am a muslim woman who wears the hijab. I cover my hair and most of my body. I do not judge those who don't do the same, nor do I try to impose my beliefs onto others. Everyone will have their own personal journeys, and just as I know I'm not perfect, I can't judge others for it either.

I (23F) recently went to a friends bachelorette party. Women only, no drinks, just girls being girls and celebrating a friends soon to be marriage. Maya (24F) has been a friend of mine since kindergarten and I'm more than happy to be a part of such a big part of her life.

She isn't religious, but she accepts my views and even going to let me wear a more modest style abaya as her maid of honor. This is to say Maya understands the hijab and what it means to me, or so I thought.

At the party, I took it off as it was just women. We were going to sleep over anyways so I don't think anyone was expecting me to sleep in the thing. I always find it funny how they react when they get to see my hair, like I'm secretly Repunzel or something.

We watched a movie, took photos and videos, and generally had a good time. I had no problems with the photos being taken, since my friends are usually respectful and don't post them anywhere. It just stays in our groupchat. We went to sleep and the next day everything was normal. We cleaned up and I drove home, finally checking my phone.

I opened instagram to the tagged icon and checked it to see myself and the girls on Mayas public account. I quickly messaged Maya asking her to take it down before anyone else saw, as I couldn't control whether or not some guy was going to see her post, and she refused saying that there were no other good photos of her.

I asked her to simply crop me out or even draw over my hair and neck but she said that it would look wrong and that I'm overreacting. I insisted I wasn't and that she knew that I couldn't show my hair to just anyone. Instead of responding to me, she took it to the groupchat as some sort of "counsel."

Half of them agreed that she shouldn't have posted a photo of me without my hijab and a couple others told me I was overreacting and no one cared besides me. I should note that one of the most vocal of them who disagreed generally doesn't like me so she would have disagreed regardless of what I said.

Most of us are urging her to take down the post, and now she's claiming we're putting her under a lot of stress with the wedding only a week away, but I don't see what that has to do with this. Am I really being unreasonable for wanting to be respected? AITA?

Edit: There were about 40 photos and I was only in 6 of them. People are under the impression that I was in.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ladystetson said:

NTA. She's not your friend. If a friend of mine asked me to remove a photo with them in it, for WHATEVER reason, they'd be removed from the photo before the day ended. My friends can trust me 100% that I won't put them in a position that makes them uncomfortable.

But, at this point, you have no control. You can ask her to remove the photo, but you can't control it. Learn from this and don't trust her again. You can't let your guard down around everyone.

DinaFelice said:

"This is the same thing as if I posted a picture I took of you right after you got out of the shower in just a towel...you may have been fine letting me see you nearly naked in the moment, that doesn't mean you are fine with me showing it to the whole world. Take it down this instant!"

NTA. Maya is engaging in grossly inappropriate behavior similar to revenge porn (and that's not an exaggeration...you consented to her seeing you in a relatively undressed state by your standards, and she is intentionally showing it to people you didn't agree to be naked in front of).

Maybe she didn't realize it when she originally made the decision to post it, but she knows now. Excuses about thinking she looks good in the picture are irrelevant. If I were part of your friend group...

I would be sorely tempted to threaten to show her fiancé a picture of her in her dress (assuming she wants it to be a surprise) or else intentionally taking a half-naked picture of her and informing her I would make it equally public as her picture of you.

I probably wouldn't be able to follow through with it (I truly believe that 2 wrongs don't make a right) but I would refuse to be a bridesmaid if she didn't fix it... because if she didn't fix it, she's not the person I thought she was and I can't support her.

Famous_Specialist_44 said:

She knew you'd be uncomfortable. She understands your boundaries. She carried on regardless and has refused to act upon your request. She is out of order and you are NTA.

lrbikeworks said:

ESH. If you knew photos were being taken you should have probably stayed covered up, since at that point you relinquish control over who sees them. I realize that usually they stay within the group chat, but even then, spouses, SO’s and parents might be privy to them.

You probably should have said something to the photographer(s) at the time they took the pics. They probably should have thought about the implications of showing pictures of you with your hair uncovered. ESH.

TuckerCarlsonsOhface said:

ESH. Never allow photos to be taken that you don’t want other people to see. If you’re so devout that you can’t even let people to see your hair, then you shouldn’t have been in photos with your hair exposed.

At the same time if she was a true friend that understands, and respects your religious beliefs/practices then she wouldn’t post such photos. Ultimately I feel like it’s more on you for letting yourself get into this position...

Since you’re the only one in the group that considered it so important, and regardless of your assumptions about the use of the photos, should know that they could potentially be viewed by anyone.

Captaincakeboy said:

ESH. People won't agree but the posting of photos to social media is an obvious foreseeable outcome. OP for making demands after the fact and friend for not being understanding enough.

UPDATE:

I wanted to give it a couple days before I updated to let the situation cool down or hopefully resolve itself. In short, the post got taken down, the wedding is still happening, and I'm still friends with her.

I got a bunch of dms from her fiance the other day, apologizing, saying that he'd recognized me in the photos of me without my hijab and he'd informed me that he told her to take them down. He's Christian, but from what I understand, his mother veils and he understands the rules around hijab a good bit.

He felt bad and I had to reassure him that it wasn't his fault and thanked him for talking to Maya for me. He asked if this whole situation would affect our friendship, and I told him I wasn't sure in what way.

A bit after, Maya finally messaged me one to one for the first time after the whole fiasco. She apologized and explained she didn't think it was a big deal since her other muslim friend doesn't wear the hijab and she thought I was simply being dramatic.

I told her that everyone is different and what someone else chooses to do with their body and faith doesn't mean someone else will do the same. My older sister doesn't wear the hijab, Maya's seen her. It's a personal choice and no two people are going to have the same relationship with it.

I asked her why me asking her to take it down wasn't enough on it's own, since she'd done similar things for others in the past (think bra strap showing, unflattering angle, exposed scars) without hesitation. She said she wasn't thinking straight and felt like it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

It was only when her fiance brought it up to her that she took it down. She put the other four photos up (the ones without me in them) and she realized that she was being stubborn for no reason. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make up for it and I asked her to just keep it in the past.

I'd like to clear up the notion that this the first bachelorette party or even wedding our friend group has had, since that's far from it. Added, we've had conversations regarding special occasions MANY times so even if it was the first time, this shouldn't have happened.

This wedding will be the third and come by September, mine will be the fourth! Also, we've been friends for almost two decades, so cutting her off over this would be so out of proportion.

I did not report the photos, and I did not abandon my faith like some of you suggested. This may not be the update some were wanting, but at least things are better now and the wedding is soon and going as planned!

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

HeyKayRenee said:

I’m glad this worked out. But I still don’t trust the girl. She wanted an ah-ha moment to “get” you and didn’t back off her fiancé pressured her to do so. You can stay friends but keep her at arms length. Do not trust this person with anything vulnerable again.

aalalaland said:

DUDE. I am a hijabi who is MOH for one of my best friends who is non Muslim. I also went on a bachelorette trip and there were tons of candids with me not wearing a hijab. I sent her your original post and she was livid on your behalf.

I can’t even imagine what I would do if she did what your friend did. It was so insanely inappropriate of her to post those photos and downright despicable to not immediately take them down when you asked. You’re more forgiving than me smh.

invah said:

NTA. I bet your 'friend' realized she was making herself look bad to her fiance. If I were him, I would absolutely re-think marrying someone that selfish and unempathetic. She really was acting like a mean girl. Don't ever marry people who don't respect boundaries, one day he will think back on this incident and see it for the red flag it is.

bad_screensaver said:

You were a class act from start to finish. You showed incredible restraint and grace. Can the same be said for your friend? Absolutely not. She showed you who she is. Please believe her this time.

Realistic_Guitar_944 said:

When someone shows you who they are believe them. I’d be careful around her. But best of luck to you.

Big_Obligation3981 said:

Glad there is no more drama but you need to learn from this. Like every other person here said, she is not your friend. She thought you are being dramatic over hijab because her other friend does not wear it.

However, at the same time she is not calling someone dramatic when they asked her to take a photo down over a bra showing? Also, odds are, she would have never apologized if it wasn’t to save face in front of her fiancé.