'AITA for asking my husband to limit his time with his nephews because our daughters are missing out?'
"AITA for asking my husband to limit his time with his nephews because our daughters are missing out?"
Hi, I had an issue yesterday with my husband which Im conflicted about, regarding whether I was in the wrong. My husband and I have two daughters, 6 and 8. My SIL and her family live a couple of blocks away from us. They have two boys, both 9 years old. Her husband is in the army so he is away from home a lot.
When he's away, the boys come to our house often. They're great boys, respectful and energetic. When they're here my husband takes them to the park to play soccer. They always say they have a great time and my SIL also thanks us for it. When they're not around, my husband takes our daughters to the park too, I often join them too, and they also look forward to it.
However, when my husband takes the boys along, even though we encourage our girls to go along they told me they don't enjoy it, basically the boys get super competitive and it's not fun the way it is when its just them with my husband.
I take them along by myself but apparently its not as much fun haha. My husband can also only do some days of the week and when their father's away the boys come on those days.
Yesterday, I asked my husband to talk to his sister and set some kind of limit to those days because our daughters like going to the park with him for soccer and its not the same with me or when they go with him and the boys. He looked taken aback and said that they're good kids, theirs dad's away for long stretches and they seem to have fun here.
I said I never said they weren't good kids, just that our daughters felt like they were missing out. He said he'll encourage them more to come with them and he'll make sure things dont get too competitive, I said we've gone through that before and its just not fun for them. He said telling his nephews this would be cruel , and made it sound like I was an AH for suggesting it. So I wanted to ask AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
vvbbo wrote:
NTA BUT, I understand why your husband feels bad about telling his nephews he wont spend as much time with them. I am very close with mine and it would break my heart to disappoint them. I think the solution might be in finding another activity to do with all the kids.
Let say the boys are there twice a week, maybe they go play soccer once and the other day they do an activity that the girls and boys enjoy. Or a day he goes with the boys and the next one you do something with the boys and he goes with the girls.
Unless you are not close with them or they don't really have bond? I think splitting up the time between both parents so you both spend time with your nephews and your daughter might be a good solution.
OP responded:
Someone else suggested the same and I liked that approach. I (along with my SIL together maybe) could do these park sessions with the boys on days my husband is busy so that the girls get their 1-1 soccer time with their dad.
forte6320 wrote:
NAH. Their dad is serving in the military. Deployment is so hard on the family, especially the children. It is wonderful that your husband is stepping up for these kids. I also absolutely understand that your daughters need time with dad, too. Their feelings are also very valid.
Perhaps there could be some compromise. Everyone goes to the park to play soccer for a while, then do something that is more appealing to the girls. Or dad needs to be more aware of splitting his time better.
This would also be a great time to have a discussion with your girls about helping others. The boys' dad is serving our country. The boys miss him tremendously, so dad is trying to help them feel less lonely. You could also try to think of activities the kids could all do together. Soccer at the park isn't the only activity for kids.
shdfx1 wrote:
NTA. Look your husband dead in the eyes, and say his daughters want to be with their dad at the park without other kids. Does he have a problem spending quality time with just his daughters? Does he prefer the boys over his own daughters?
weekly-profession987 wrote:
Probably because he’s thought of as a great guy for stepping up as an uncle and would get praise from uncle aunt and anyone else he tells about it, as opposed to a dad taking his own kids to the park, no good guy award for that.
toughmaterial2962 wrote:
When those girls are grown, I promise they will know why their dad thought their cousins were more important than them. OP, your husband needs to think long and hard about what you're of relationship he's like to have with his adult children and what type of relationships he's like his girls to have with men...
wesmorgan1 wrote:
Your husband needs to understand that he can't be all things to all people - and that his kids need to come first.
That doesn't mean that he can't spend time with his nephews; it just means that he has to learn to divide his time. NTA.
powered-by-chai wrote:
NTA, if it's so bad that even his daughters see it, then he is seriously neglecting his kids. He either needs to find something different that all the kids will enjoy together or discipline the boys for being too competitive and make sure his own children feel involved.
I'm guessing there's an element of sexism in here too, in that he was probably hoping for a son to do all the sporty things with and ended up with two girls. Which is ridiculous because my daughter has way more in common with her dad than our son does.