"AITA for asking my mother-in-law to do her own dishes?"
In September, my mother-in-law moved in with us “temporarily” after her lease ended and she didn’t have enough money for a new apartment. This all happened about two weeks before I gave birth. Shortly after moving in, she lost her job and was unemployed for about two months, which caused her stay to last much longer than expected.
While living with us rent free she rarely did her own dishes I have been doing them. she regularly left her own tupperware sitting in the sink for weeks at a time, along with some of our dishes she had used. Seeing them there every time I cleaned the kitchen became overwhelming, especially while already exhausted postpartum.
More recently, she left our back door opened twice, which is a serious safety concern for our child who is nonverbal & has autism prone to elopement. Before she moved in we expressed how important it is to tell us if she’s leaving so we can latch and lock the back door behind her and all of a sudden she didn’t two days in a row.
After months of frustration, my husband asked her (at my request) to start doing her own dishes. She didn’t do them for two days, so he asked her again tonight she eventually cleaned them, but became upset, packed her belongings, when my husband asked her where she was going she compared the situation to when my husband lived with her and never did his own dishes and implied it was unfair.
I told her I was the one who asked my husband to address the dishes because I was overwhelmed. She said she understood, but that “this just isn’t working,” and also said she felt blamed for the back door being unlocked, stating she hasn’t had a key since moving in. Might I add that this lady has a serious drinking problem.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
aardvarkmom wrote:
INFO: You said she packed. Did she leave? Then you should be able to get your home back in order.
OP responded:
Yes she packed and left. My husband's sister said she called her and asked her if she could stay there but his sister told her she cannot because her husband is aware of her drinking problem and they cannot deal with that in her household. So I have no idea where she is at currently maybe a hotel or sleeping in her car.
no_good_namez wrote:
INFO why didn’t she have a key? You don’t sound like TA but I’m confused about why you addressed the dishes when the actual problem was the back door, and whether she left it open so she could re-enter.
I also don’t understand why all dishes were your responsibility (not MIL or husband) when you were postpartum with an older, eloping child. Your MIL sounds difficult and I don’t have enough info to know whether your husband is also TA.
OP responded:
She didn’t have a key because this was always meant to be a short term arrangement. She was usually home when we were it had never been an issue before I think she was just being drunk and petty because my husband was telling her to do her own dishes. The back door being left unlocked was not about re entry.
It was simply left unlocked We addressed it immediately the first time it happened, and when it happened a second time we reiterated how serious the safety risk was and emphasized how important it is that all doors remain locked.
Plus-Bar-9198 wrote:
NTA. Let her leave and don't allow her back. Never allow an add**t to live in the same house as your children. I say this as the child of a boozer who was sweet as sugar when he was wasted. It still left scars. Don’t do that to your children, especially if you have a child that is non-verbal and have difficulties expressing themselves.
rare_sugar_7927 wrote:
She packed, did she actually leave, or was that a manipulation tactic? She is right though, this isn't working, she should leave. Don't feel guilty about that. Lord, she should be doing all the households dishes and more as a thank you for a place to live especially rent free! And to leave the door unlocked, thats a major issue. NTA.
Objective-bat-9235 wrote:
NTA. So did she leave? If so, count your blessings. If not, tell her for her to remain there has to be guidelines - such as her making sure the door remains locked and her cleaning up after herself? Tell her your husband is more mature than when he lived with her and now knows better about how important it is to clean up after himself.
phapasyeter wrote:
She lost her housing, lost her job, left the doors unsecured and doesn't care about cleanliness????? I would be concerned that her mental health is declining. Is she a senior with any other health concerns?
lechetaliersowl wrote:
NTA if she packed her bags, let her go. It sounds like she must have an idea of somewhere else to go. She is not helping your family by being present - particularly with the safety issue of the door. If she has a serious drinking problem that is not being addressed, you may not be helping her by supporting her either.
Regarding dishes, she should be doing her own, without being asked. She is being petty by suggesting it is like when your husband lived with her. She's an adult. It was 100% reasonable to ask her to do her own dishes. Maybe she should have been helping by doing your dishes while she was unemployed and you were postpartum!