'AITA for asking my partner to 'quit acting like a child?' I have a surgery coming up.'

"AITA for asking my partner to 'quit acting like a child?'"

I (25F) have a scheduled surgery coming up. Nothing life threatening but because I have very bad endometriosis my OB/GYN has been suggesting surgery and I finally decided for it. My partner (34M) had childhood trauma around hospitals. His mother was a single mother and an EMT and he spent many hours inside and has seen many horrible things.

He has not been to a hospital since he was 14-years-old as he gets panic attacks. On our most recent talk when I asked him if he has scheduled a leave from work he told me that he has so I assumed he would be spending the day with me. Yesterday he asked me who is going to accompany me in the hospital and I was shocked.

I told him I was under the impression he is going to be and he said "no way" I asked him why did he take a leave then, and he said because he will be too anxious to work and wants to be available for me all day. He also wants to take me to the doorstep and out of the hospital IF no-one else can.

I am in no good relationship with my immediate family (he knows) and I don't have many friends so I told him I can't think of anyone else who can be there for me. He said that's tough for me because there is no way he comes with me.

We started a heated argument and I told him he is acting like a frightened child and although not pleasant hospitals sometimes are essential. He became silent and refuse to speak to me for a day. The reason why I think I might be the AH is because he has expressed before his fear of hospitals and I disregarded it. So AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

justareadermwb wrote:

ESH. This is something he needs to work on with a therapist (and should have done 20 years ago). No one LIKES hospitals, but his reaction is not typical and is not sustainable. You - and any potential future children - need him to be able to be present in the case of an emergency or serious medical issue.

He is TA for not working on this. YTA for discounting the severity of his known issue and thinking he can "just get over it" for you. It sounds like you knew about his problem, but possibly thought it wasn't a real issue, and he would/could ignore it for you.

rainaftermoscow wrote:

NTA because this isn't a phobia he can just spend his life ignoring or trying to avoid. Hospitals are a necessity for everyone at this point. He doesn't have the luxury of sitting around for decades and letting it get worse. He's being an AH to everyone including himself.

quarantina2020 wrote:

He's TA. This is one of the things you do with a serious partner. This is one of the things you depend on your partner for. If he cannot do this for you now, he will not be able to advocate for you in the hospital when you are unable to advocate for yourself. If my partner could not accompany me for times like this, I would not keep considering them to be my life partner.

GhostPantherNiall wrote:

NTA. Some phobias need to be overcome and hospitals are one of them. What’s he going to do if you have kids? Not be in the delivery room? Be unable to take them there if they get sick or injured? God forbid you have a premature baby that needs weeks in the hospital or an elderly relative wasting away- is he going to be able to visit?

ornery_potato98 wrote:

While his fear is valid, the fact that he is not willing to overcome it is very concerning. This man is your other half and your emergency contact. If he cannot step up and be there for you, I’d be concerned what else he will not be available for in the event of emergencies. Hospitals are a part of life.

They are unavoidable for most people for many reasons. So I’d be curious what work he is a doing to address his fear so this doesn’t happen in the future. with regards to your surgery he should be there. If he absolutely cannot be there then I’m sure they will wheel you out to the front of the building although that’s sad if you have to go that route.

Fair_Theme_9388 wrote:

NTA, it sounds like your boyfriend has deeper issues with anxiety and panic attacks if he's blaming it on his mother being an EMT. It's not like he was riding in the ambulance with her while she was doing her job for the first 14 years of his life.

A young child would not be hanging out at a hospital or tagging along with the paramedics while they’re on the job, so I think there’s more to the story than what he’s telling you. Edit to add: I’m not invalidating his phobia, I don’t doubt that it’s very real.

If he's refusing to take you inside a hospital for a routine surgery and has to take the day off from work because his anxiety is so bad, he needs to get some therapy. What would he do if something serious happened to you like a car accident? Would he just not show up and stay home from work because it's too much for him to handle?