'AITA for asking my partner stop telling me to 'lower your volume?' It feels demoralizing.'

"AITA for asking my partner stop telling me to 'lower your volume?'"

Sometimes when I get excited about a topic, I naturally start speaking louder than usual. Not shouting, just louder than normal conversation level. The thing is, I don’t realize I’m doing it in the moment. When this happens, my partner will often interrupt me mid-sentence to ask me to lower my volume.

I don’t think they mean it in a rude way, and I understand that they probably just want the conversation to stay at a comfortable volume. That’s fair. But every time it happens, I feel demoralised, and a little self conscious. I lose my enthusiasm and no longer feel like talking about the thing I was excited about.

Even if they don’t mean it harshly, it still feels dismissive and discouraging. I’ve tried to explain how it makes me feel, but they still keep interrupting me.

AITA for wanting them to stop interrupting me like that? Or do I just need to accept that I should keep my volume in check? Even if it’s hard because I don’t always realize when I’m doing it?

The internet had a lot of different thoughts about the dynamic.

AnnChris7 wrote:

NAH.

My family and I tease each other about something like this all the time. We call it the "self awareness rule."

Basically, now that you know that when you get excited, you talk too loud, you can be more aware of it, and then try and keep your volume lower. Take a breath when you feel yourself getting too excited, or even practice volume control by being silly with it and whisper your exciting things. I struggle with crazy migraines sometimes, and all I have to do is tell my family "lower you volume just a bit" and they do so.

They know I love them, and they know I want to hear and enjoy what they're saying, so they lower their voices so I can listen and partake. One family member in particular was particularly more sensitive to this first, and felt as you do now. I had a conversation with them along the lines of: I love you, I know you get excited, and I love your excitement.

To partake in your excitement too, I would like your volume to lower just a bit.I think the most important thing to remember about this specific scenario is that you're not being told to "shut up" or "be quiet," your partner probably just wants a conversation at a normal tone where the volume isn't a distraction to your excitement.

As someone who has been asked to lower my volume/asked someone to lower theirs, it's never about getting the person to stop talking. It's always about making sure I can stay in the conversation at a comfortable level, meaning I can listen and partake in it longer.

Unfortunately, you might have to learn how to be less sensitive about it. Focus on the fact that your partner clearly cares about what you're saying, enough to try and actively and comfortably listen to what you're talking about.

I hope this helped a little. It's kind of a ramble.

_kits_ wrote:

NAH, with a gentle please work on yourself. It’s okay to get excited and passionate about something, but you do need to be aware of your volume, especially if he’s told you multiple times it’s an issue.

It’s extremely grating and painful to be around people that get loud when they’re excited. It’s a bit like a movie that’s really quiet for the dialogue so you’ve turned the tv up to exactly the right volume, but then it goes into an action scene and the tv suddenly blasts with so much noise, it’s like a physical punch.

Except unlike with the tv, you can’t turn the volume down, so you have to ask them to. It’s not personal, it’s not meant to be rude, it’s literally just that the volume is too loud and they have to ask for the volume to be turned down rather than being able to turn it down himself.

It sounds like you need to think about why being asked to turn down the volume is hurtful to you. Is it the way he’s asking? Because if that’s the issue, that’s a really valid thing to feel upset about, and you should absolutely talk to him about it.

Or is it that you don’t like being interrupted? Or are there some other things that have made you feel self conscious about your own excitement? I have ADHD and absolutely do the same thing. My wife is on the spectrum and can be extremely noise sensitive, to the point where sometimes we can’t have the tv on and we have quiet evenings together.

Rather than interrupting me, she does the volume down motion with her hand very gently where I can see it. It means I know I’m being too loud for her, but she doesn’t interrupt my flow. It works really well for us, but it took a couple of years to find something that worked for both our brains.

LadyGhoost wrote:

Soft YTA. You aren't TA for getting excited and talking louder, you are the asshole for how you are reacting. My sister is like this, I can be too to some degree, but my sister is extreme. I have just accepted that it is how she is, and that I just have to tell her to lower her volume.

I do, we giggle, and then she continues talking about whatever we where talking about. I get that it can be awkward the first time it happens, but if it happens repeatedly you either have to really work on it. Or just accept that your partner will tell you to lower your volume from time to time, giggle at it and then continue the conversation.

Pretzel_Mamma wrote:

YTA.

"Or do I just need to accept that I should keep my volume in check?"

You know this is an issue already but aren't trying to self regulate and now you're getting mad when people point it out. If you took the initiative to keep your volume in check you wouldn't get interrupted.

areyukittenm3 wrote:

YTA. I’m often on the other side of this. Especially if we’re in the public, the other person is completely unaware of how they are breaking social etiquette and it’s embarrassing and inconsiderate.

If you’re not able to regulate yourself then it’s fair for your partner to tell you when you’re too loud. “It’s hard because I don’t realize I’m doing it” is not a valid excuse for an adult to be inconsiderate of the space they’re taking up.

Altruistic_Ad_9821 wrote:

NAH. I’m autistic and so at varying times I both get excited/loud, and then sometimes can find loud voices really overwhelming in a conversation, making it hard to concentrate on what the person is saying to me. Brains are weird!

Would it be less abrupt if you and your partner had like, a hand signal they could do that would let you know your volume is getting to be too much, without interrupting and stopping the flow of conversation?