'AITA for asking my SIL to return the necklace I gifted her, even though I promised a replacement?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my SIL to return the necklace I gifted her, even though I promised her a replacement?"

I (F, working abroad) come from a large family and I’ve always been the one to gift meaningful presents, usually gold jewelry like chains, rings, etc. I avoid electronics or trendy stuff. I prefer gifts that last and hold value.

Recently, it was my sister-in-law’s (let’s call her Sam) turn. She’s always been good to me and the family, so I chose a beautiful necklace for her, 18k gold, with a pearl and some diamonds. It was a thoughtful gift and not cheap.

When I went home and gave it to her, I realized she had gained a lot of weight, and the necklace no longer fit like a necklace—it looked more like a choker. I brought it up gently and told her, “Since this doesn’t fit you properly, I’ll take it back and get you something that suits your neck size better.”

She agreed, and even said she’d return the necklace. I made it clear I’d bring her a new one next time I visit. Back abroad, I actually did start searching for a new necklace for her. My mom and even Sam encouraged me to find something more suitable. So I kept looking and finally purchased a bigger, more appropriate necklace, keeping my word.

Then I found out that Sam never gave back the original necklace, she gave it to her daughter instead. That’s when I felt uncomfortable. They never told me to stop looking for a replacement, and even pushed me to keep searching. Meanwhile, they kept the original necklace.

I’d mentally decided to keep the first necklace for myself, and I felt it was unfair that I was now buying two expensive gifts. To be honest, I don’t like wearing jewelry meant for someone else, so the new necklace is pretty much useless to me. I also told them that I wasn’t comfortable buying two expensive necklaces when we had clearly agreed the original would be returned.

Now there’s tension, and I’m being made to feel like I’m the bad guy for asking for the first necklace back. But from my side, the original gift stopped being a gift when we both agreed it didn’t fit her, and I fulfilled my promise to find a better one.

So…AITA for saying I want the first necklace back?

Not long after posting, OP shared an edit.

Clarification: Let me clarify a few points for those who believe I was wrong to ask for the necklace back. I completely agree a gift is a gift. I never intended to take it back. My only wish was to give something meaningful and special. She genuinely loved the necklace, but unfortunately, it wasn’t comfortable for her as she mentioned "she felt like chocking".

Because of that, I recommended resizing it at a jewelry shop, but she refused because she was worried it might get damaged. I respected her decision. Eventually, I told her: "If you're not comfortable with it, I’ll keep this one and buy you a new one that suits you better."

I didn’t take the necklace back immediately. In fact, I left it with her and told her to think about it and let me know what she wants. I stayed in my hometown for 20 days, and it was only after 15 days that she came back to me and confirmed she wanted a replacement and would return the original one.

We live in different cities, so I never had the chance to collect it.

Now, for those saying I should have accepted that she gave it to someone else: please understand, this necklace was bought for her and she can do with it whatever she pleases, if she wanted to give to her daughter its fine.

Had I known that from the beginning, I would never have gone out of my way to buy a second necklace just to make up for her. No one told me to stop looking for a replacement. No one said the plan had changed. For those who are asking if i can return it back I actually bought the replacement necklace months agowhich means I can’t return it anymore.

The commenters did not hold back.

[deleted] wrote:

ESH. You don't take back a gift. Once you give it, it becomes theirs. They can give it to someone else if they want unless you gave it with express strings attached. You are wrong, both legally and morally. EDIT: This whole thing sounds like a mess of hurt feelings and poor communication. I’m changing my vote to ESH.

OP responded:

But I had the conversation with her and she agreed that she wanted something more suitable, and even while looking for a replacement there was no mentioned that she wishes to keep the gift for her daughter. If she wanted to keep the first gift for her kid she would just say so, but I have two, so buy another gift?

kiblerandbits wrote:

NTA. You don't get to keep the original if you're making an exchange at a shop!

OP responded:

This is what I thought at first.

kiblerandbits responded:

Especially since you SAID I'll take it back. May I ask why you didn't just take it back right when it didn't fit? What was the idea behind letting her hold onto it? I definitely still think Sam is in the wrong, but that might be where some confusion came from.

OP responded:

When she tried in for the first time , she explained that she not comfortable because it was so tight, that when we had the conversation that she might need to take to the jewelry shop for resizing, the following day she said she is not feeling comfortable taking there because they might ruin it, at that point I suggested to keep for me and buy a replacement.

But I suggested to let her think for a couple of days before she give her answer, later on we had the conversation again and she said that she want a replacement, since she lives in different city I requested my mom to collect it from her, and that's it was with her all the time, when the time come to returned I did not get the chance to visit them home, and this is what led us to this unfortunately.

Fatterthanithinkiam wrote:

Take the second necklace back and get your money back. Your sil keeps the first gift and if she wants to give it away, that’s her choice, but you sure don’t owe her a second gift.

OP responded:

I think that what its should happen eventually, since I felt deceived especially when I took her opinion before I bought the replacement if only they told me earlier.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Final Update

Before getting into the update, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who liked, read, and shared their thoughts on my previous post. I genuinely appreciate the time you gave and the insightful advice many of you offered.

Some comments made me reflect deeply, and even if we didn’t all agree, I respect the different perspectives. Now, to clarify one more thing some people assumed I was using the value of the gift as leverage. I just want to say clearly, the gift, and its value, were entirely my own decision.

Nobody asked me or pressured me to buy something expensive. Yes, there were expectations in the background, but nothing was ever said about how much I should spend or what kind of gift I should give. I find it super important to mention that is expensive gift since I cannot really afford buying this type of gift every single time, since I need so much saving and planning.

I made the decision myself because I truly value her as a person. The way she treats me, my family, and especially my mother, made me feel grateful. I wanted to express that with something meaningful. There were no hidden intentions, no emotional strings attached. It was simply a gesture of appreciation. Now, for the update:

As many of you wisely suggested, I approached the situation with calm and maturity. I didn’t want this to become a lingering misunderstanding, so I initiated a phone call with my mom, my sister-in-law, and myself to try and resolve things clearly.

During the call, I asked them directly:

* When did she decide that the first necklace would be handed over to my niece?

* And on what basis are you now expecting me to bring a second necklace as a replacement?

Because, to be very honest, that was never the original agreement.

My sister-in-law explained that after the replacement was confirmed, she and my brother decided to keep the first necklace.

She also mentioned that they were planning to talk to me about the value of that necklace in order to pay me back “when they can.” On top of that, they were still expecting me to go ahead and bring the replacement necklace (meaning I’d be providing two necklaces: one as a gift, and one they would supposedly buy).

Here’s the issue My brother owes me over $3,000 for more than seven years now, and he’s never paid me back (which it is a different story for another time). So I find it hard to believe he’d pay me for this necklace, especially considering its high value. Given everything, I’m 100% sure they won’t be able to afford it.

I know for a fact that my brother is not in a financial position to cover the cost. When my sister-in-law said they planned to “pay me when they can,” it became even more clear there’s no specific timeframe or commitment. Given all of this, I respectfully declined to share the value of the necklace and expressed that I was uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken.

I told them kindly but firmly that while I appreciate them, I think it’s unreasonable to expect me to provide two necklaces, especially without even discussing it with me first. They had this entire conversation and made decisions among themselves, without informing me or asking if I was okay with it. So I said: "You can keep the original necklace and just consider it your gift. But I will not be getting another one."

I also reminded her that I had given her more than enough time to decide what she wanted to do. She was the one who chose the replacement necklace, which is why, after I returned home, I kept in touch, talked to her regularly, and even shared pictures to help her select the exact piece she liked.

Throughout that entire time, she never once mentioned any change of plan or that they had decided to keep the original necklace for my niece. That’s why I was completely caught off guard when I heard about this for the first time during our call. At that point, my sister-in-law said she still really wanted the replacement necklace, especially since she felt it was a better fit for her.

Again, I explained that while I gave the first necklace freely, I can't fulfill this new expectation. I can’t and won’t give two necklaces. She then said she no longer wanted the first necklace and would be leaving it with my mom the next time, still expecting to receive the replacement necklace instead. So, for now, the situation is settled.

But as many of you pointed out, yes, I’ve realized that I’m being treated like the family ATM. And this experience has definitely made me reflect on the kind of gifts I choose to give in the future. As for the replacement necklace, I’m just waiting for my mom to confirm she received it. But I can’t help it this time, the gift feels bitter. It doesn’t feel like a genuine gesture of appreciation anymore. It feels like a trade.

I feel used. And I feel hurt.

Because all I ever wanted was to say thank you sincerely, from the heart. And as one of you wisely pointed out, I now realize I was chasing perfection, trying so hard to please everyone that I lost sight of the original intention.

Maybe I should’ve just left it up to her to decide what she wanted to do with the original necklace, instead of trying to “fix” it all. That’s how it is. Thank you again to everyone who took the time to read, comment, and help me see this more clearly.

The comments kept coming.

louvemode wrote:

I’m sorry things got this complicated for a gift! They emptied a nice gesture of the original meaning and showed their true colors. And put a a price tag on a valuable lesson for you. That lesson is yours to keep… no exchanges!! Good luck moving forward!

OP responded:

Thank you so much for the kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I’ve learned a lot from this incident, but I can’t help still feeling hurt :(

Aggravating-Plum8147 wrote:

I would not get her a replacement necklace. She gave the necklace to her daughter, and now that she can’t get one too she’s going to take her daughter’s necklace away from her. That’s cruel in itself. If you get anyone anything it should be your niece. NTA.

OP responded:

To be honest, at this point I’m super tired of overthinking everything, especially since this matter has already blown out of proportion. I do feel sorry for my niece, that’s for sure, but I don’t have a say in her mom’s decision. I’m going to stop trying to make everything perfect, it’s up to her mom now.

LauraLand27 wrote:

I don’t know where you live or how much money you make, but 18k gold! Diamonds? Wow. Just wow. I’m floored by the entitlement your SIL feels. Especially KNOWING that you would never see a dime if you gave her both.

I think this is a good time to draw up a repayment schedule for your brother and the $3000 he’s owed you for 7 years. The family excuse doesn’t hold water. The length of time is irrelevant. The disrespect to you is abhorrent. Please let us know if your mom ever receives the original necklace back. I have a gut feeling that she will never see it again. Nor will you.

OP responded:

You know, after posting here, so many things became clearer and more evident. While I didn’t have it in me to ask for anything before, I now realize I need to draw clear and firm boundaries and be more mindful.

I’ve been working so hard, but my people-pleasing tendencies clouded my judgment about how to act in this situation. Requesting money from my brother will take another level of courage, and I hope I can find it in me. I feel like I’m slowly building my confidence, brick by brick. I will keep you posted if there is any update. :)

CindySvennson wrote:

The next gift you give her can be that you took X amount of her husband's debt to you.

OP responded:

I think I’m going to hold off on giving any gifts for now, to be honest. or at least until I get all these pending finances sorted out.

[deleted] wrote:

Do not take back the original necklace. It belongs to your niece. And do not give the replacement necklace. SIL gave the gift to their daughter. It is no longer the property of SIL to decide what happens to it.

OP responded:

Yes, I still have the replacement necklace with, no update from my mom yet. So I am just taking some time for myself to think things through. I do not really know what is going to happen at this point but thanks