"AITA for asking my sister why her husband drinks so much?"
I've (25F) been staying with my sister (37) and her husband (50) this week and have been noticing his drinking behavior. I've been helping out with chores, like recycling, and have seen the piles of cans that go out to the can each week.
Every night, he comes home from work and sits in front of the TV for 4 hours and gets up to get a new drink every hour or so. Today, he came home with two 8-packs of vodka sodas around 4/5 pm. I walked into the kitchen around 8/9 and saw one of the new boxes was open and there were four gone.
They are 4.5% alc. He is the only one that drinks them. My sister is pregnant and I'm on a no-sugar diet. It's not like I was intentionally counting. I just take notice of my surroundings and my brain does the math. My sister and I have a history of alcoh*lism on my mom's side of the family.
We have both had to deal with the drunks in the family, so naturally I was a little concerned. 3-4 drinks a night, every night, seems like a lot. I can't imagine how much he is spending on these vodka sodas every month. (I've actually gone to the kitchen again now and there are another 2 missing. Though I did not see him drink 2 more, so he may have put them in the garage or something.)
I gently tried to bring it up to her after she went to bed. She became defensive and said I was coming off as "judgy." I told her I really didn't mean it that way, I just noticed and was concerned. I even reasoned that maybe since he was a larger dude (nearly 7 foot) that his frequency of drinking was normal for a man his size.
She asked why I would be concerned if he's not getting drunk or acting inappropriately. Then said, "We wouldn't want to have to act any different than we would if you weren't here." Which tells me this is normal. I don't know. It wasn't really my place and I've made things uncomfortable by even bringing it up. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Luna3aoife wrote:
NTA. Nightly drinking only gets worse. 4 cans now, 5 next month, etc. Its the dependency and consistency thats concerning. People's exact definition of alcoholic can differ, but once it interferes w relationships or finances or work it becomes a problem. I would say more offer your sister support rather than directly intervene in their relationship.
If he's drinking in front of the tv that much, she's probably doing more around the house and not getting as much companionship from him. Intervene directly if he's hurting himself (drinking and driving, drinking himself to the point of routinely passing out, unable to function or falls ill when sober), or hes hurting your sister.
Full disclosure I am biased from my past, even though ill still have a rough avg of 3 drinks a week. My father was a wretched alcoholic and it lead him to an early grave. I worked as an EMT for several years and got on a first name basis with many of my old towns drunks. My time as a home health aid and cna have shown me the daily effect of severe alcoholism, include lethal effects.
While the husband doesn't sound like a severe drinker yet, its still a problem that they need therapy or something for. But I don't reckon you're the person to tell him, that's probably his wife, and even then he needs to want it to see any progress.
OP responded:
"Its the dependency and consistency thats concerning."
Right, this was mainly what I was commenting on. 4 drinks by itself is fine, I'll do that myself 1-2 a month. But every day? That's why I thought I should say something, and it came out before I realized it probably wasn't my place to say.
YMBFKM wrote:
One 4.5% 12-ounce can per hour is not going to cause someone to get drunk if they're a 50 year old male and used to it. He likely doesn't even feel it. If his wife thinks there's a problem, she'll let him know...it's none of your business. YTA.
soft-current5770 wrote:
Widow of an alcoholic here (67F) stay out of this!!!! Love your sister, support her as she has supported you, cause things may get rough. BUT not your monkey, not your circus! Keep your eyes open, no violence? Good! And sometimes we need to just stay with 'good' til things work out/evolve.
OP responded:
Okay, will do. Thank you for being straightforward and kind.
Onebet6998 wrote:
4.5%?? In England these wouldn’t even be worth drinking if getting drunk was your purpose. A few drinks after work is pretty normal it’s not a big issue.
WorldofRufus wrote:
YTA. You’ve been staying at their house for a few days which is not nearly long enough to establish any pattern in his drinking habits. The proximity to the holidays and having to deal with an in law staying in his house could all contribute to why he’s drinking more than he normally does, you have no clue what’s going on behind the scenes.
Imagine if you were trying to lose weight but decided to take the holiday season “off” your diet and your sister jumped on your back because she saw you eating a bag of chips.
Practical_Group6773 wrote:
NTA and super surprised by all the YTA posts. It’s your sister, she’s literally family, and she’s having a baby. It’s not normal to drink that much alcohol, it is literally poison and it sounds like she’s enabling it.
OP responded:
I didn't know it would be so 50/50. I totally get people saying though that I am a guest and I should have stayed out of it. Especially since I'm the youngest, family usually doesn't want to hear my opinion.
Shezza314 wrote:
NTA If you can't ask your own sister this kind of exploratory question, then who can you? People are going to say "its none of your business". No, it is that mentality of 'I'm not going to speak up when I'm concerned something not quite right is occurring because its none of my business' that has lead to so many of our current problems as a society.
This is your sister, a loved one, someone you're very (assumedly) close with. You're allowed to ask questions. You're allowed to be concerned. You're allowed to speak up. You didn't flat out accuse him (assuming you're giving an honest recount of how you asked). You didn't speak poorly of him. You didn't say he needed to be in prison or leave the house or physically hurt him.
You asked a question. And people are allowed to get mad, and thats also completely okay. Doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Doesn't mean they're wrong for feeling angry. It depends on what happens next that could change things, what does she do with her anger, what do you do with your concern?
And I can tell you as someone who works at a hospital and does these assessments all the time, that his frequency would've flagged for a chemical dependence assessment and a try to connect him to resources for alcohol abuse. Don't get angry at her anger. Just respond with, if anything, I asked this from a place of love and concern because of our history, not out of judgment or dislike.
OP responded:
Thank you for a kind and thorough answer. The dependence thing is actually the main reason I was concerned. I was in the psych ward (depression, etc.) and would listen in on the community AA meetings. I felt the stories always started similar to this one. But then again my BIL really does not seem like the type to start getting blackout every weekend so I should've thought of that before I said something.