'AITA for asking my wife to do her therapy homework when I'm working and our child is at school?'
"AITA for asking my wife to do her therapy homework during the time I am working and our child is at school?"
For context I’m 37M and she is 38F. We are in USA. So when I say my wife is on short term disability, she is not recovering from surgery or anything like that. She is taking leave from her full time job due to some mental health issues. I know that is hard, I did the same thing 2 years ago.
I was off work for 4 months and went to probably 400 hours of professional help during the 2023 calendar year. I’m doing the best I can to support her, I called and filed the disability claim, called her doctors and set up urgent meetings and we go to both individual and couples therapy.
We have been having communication issues for the last few years, especially since the birth of our child. I know I am to blame for a large part (previously mentioned personal issues of mine caused her to become guarded towards me) I have made changes to my habits and lifestyle, changed careers from sales to an analyst position where I now WFH.
I feel she does not share with me how her recovery is going, she rarely talks about what happened in any of her sessions and both her and her therapist have mentioned that she has avoidance issues with that.
She has been going to therapy for these issues every week or every 2 weeks for probably 9-10 months so between 20-30 1 hour sessions. Last week she even told me she forgot to do her homework for that.
I admittedly got upset at that news. Now we are on day 29 of her leave, and today is her 21st work day off work. I have done my best to be patient, to see how I can help her and anything else that I can. But I have not seen or heard from her about what she is doing to recover from this crisis before she has to return to work.
We went to a couples counseling session and I will say I have some personal work to do to be the best version of myself per the guidance of the therapist, but here is my actual question. Today she tells me that she wants time to herself (30 min-1 hr) every night after our child gets home from school and on weekends to work on her recovery.
From what I understand not at nap time or after our child is asleep. I tried my best to calmly ask if it would be possible for her to do that in the afternoons while I am working and our kid is at school. She said she wanted it to be the same time every day and all she was asking for was a little time to herself.
I said I understand that but I was just wanting to discuss finding a solution that would work for all of us and not take away from family time after work/school. But at this point she became irate and started raising her voice saying I never support her and can’t even give her this small amount of time. It got heated and I walked away to come make this post. So AITAH?
TL;DR wife is off work bc of mental health issues but only wants to work on her issues during after work/school and weekends while I suggested she do it in the afternoons while she is on leave.
EDIT: I gotta get little one and spend time with him I’ll reply to everyone after bedtime.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
kalequinoa wrote:
INFO: what were your behaviors that made her guarded toward you?
OP responded:
I drank too much alcohol and would stay out late entertaining clients. Never cheating and nothing illegal. Just trying to grow my business.
fuckyouiloveyou wrote:
I don't understand how her being home and doing her homework while you’re at work and the kid is at school isn’t “time to herself?" I feel like there’s a lot missing. Therapy is supposed to be private- between her and her therapist and it’s up to her to share if she wants to, otherwise you would be in the session too.
INFO: why do you need to know how her sessions are going and to what extent are you wanting to know the details?
Electrical_Quiet43 wrote:
YTA. To be honest, I'm not really tracking what's going on, because your post is too vague to be very helpful in figuring out the issue, but I really see no benefit to trying to resolve this through internet when you're seeing a therapist together.
I don't understand the need for 30 minutes in the evening, but it's also not a huge request. You should be able to manage that if her recovery is as important as you make it out to be.
MutedHyena360 wrote:
What does 'family time' look like for you? When does kid get home from school and when is kid bedtime? If you are pushing back on a request where she gets a half an hour to herself during 'kid is home' time, does that mean you don't take the lead during any kid time?
You say you are to blame for a large part of communication breakdown since the birth of your child, and that wife has become guarded and you've changed to a WFH position as a result. All of that reads to me as if you were not taking a very active role in parenting. If wife is still saying you don't support her and can't give her time to herself - I would say your post backs that up.
When partner and I get home from work, I will take the lead on parenting for a bit to let partner get some time off work and off kid stuff, and then we swap. If you are seriously here on AITA, asking if it's unreasonable for wife to get a bit of time alone from both kid and work, then YTA.
OstrichFar8301 wrote:
Sooo you’re just going to leave the fact that you took time off work due to alcohol ab#$e out of your post? That you took care of your baby while drunk..and she is asking for maximum 60 minutes alone after kiddo gets home? You’re lucky she allows you to be alone with her baby. Forgot to judge. In case it wasn’t clear. YTA.
Dismal-Hour5241 wrote:
So if I am understanding correctly, you are working from home, so you are there in the house with her all day and evening. She wants time alone to work on herself. I think that is a reasonable request that you should honor.
You can give her the space she needs and over time should be able to observe if it is beneficial to her. Over time if you don’t notice improvement then have a calm discussion with her in which you ask her how she thinks things are going and what changes has she noticed/felt.
Keep it about her. Don’t add any observations of yours. Now, as for her sharing her therapy session experiences with you, I think you need to stand back and stop pressing her. As you know, therapy is meant to be a confidential safe space between the therapist and the client.
You shared that you got upset with her when she admitted she didn’t do her homework. That behavior reinforces her not to open up to you for fear of being judged. You could also start the line of communication by opening up to her about the things you are working on. She may feel less vulnerable or judged and start to open up more with you.