'AITA for asking my wife to end a friendship that is clearly toxic to our marriage?'
"AITA for asking my wife to end a friendship that is clearly toxic to our marriage?"
I’ll try to be succinct, I apologize in advance for all errors. Yesterday I had a funeral to attend, it was a little more than 3 hours away. When returning I was going through the small town where my wife and I went to college, as did my brother and sister. My sister still lives in the college town, so on the way back I text and ask if she wants me to take her to lunch.
Probably need to point out that little sister is 8 years younger and looks nothing like her 4 brothers. She is 5 foot tall, tiny and a youthful look. The rest of us are over 6 foot “healthy.” So I just left a funeral for and wanted a drink.
Sister couldn’t because how close we were to her office, but did sneak a sip or two of mine when “the coast was clear”. After I hugged sister goodbye and jumped in the truck to get on a conference call for the rest of the trip. That’s the background. Damn this can’t be short!
About 30 minutes from home I’m on the call in the truck and get a text from wife saying, “Holy cow, Karen is here and it’s crazy, call when you can”. Karen is a close friend of my wife for many years. I’ve never had issues with Karen, but it’s my wife’s friend not mine so we are no real close. She also lives in our old college town. You can see where this is going right?
My call ends a few miles from home, so I don’t call, just go home. When I get home Karen is trying to convince my wife that I have a girlfriend in our college town. She is trying to get her to leave the house and take our 15 and 13 year old daughters with her. Apparently she saw me eating lunch with my sister and thought it was a girlfriend.
My wife said she was talking a mile a minute and wouldn’t let her get a word in. Calling me names and making wild accusations. Just before I walk in she finally asked if was my sister I had lunch with, and that started to calm things down.
When she realized she freaked out over nothing she left right after I got home. My wife then told me about the thing she was saying and it was obvious Karen hates me and wants my wife to leave me. Details will take too long, but is was many easy refuted accusations that made no sense to my wife.
My issue is she did all the accusations in front on my girls, and that is completely unacceptable. My wife is very upset with her friend and I’m mad as hell. She apparently hates me and that can’t be tolerated for someone so close to my wife. If more details are needed I’ll happily provide.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It would shock me if your wife would want to continue a friendship with a woman who acts like that.
WTF_ImDRUNK (OP)
She doesn’t know what to do right now, we are both still in shock of the things she said. I know ultimatums are never good, but I can’t express how mad I am at the things she said in front of my girls.
Not an ultimatum, but you can make a boundary—“i cannot tell you who to spend time with but I choose to not spend time with Karen and will not attend events with Karen. I don’t want Karen in our house or around our girls.”
NTA - but heres my question, did your wife say no to this? She seems upset with her too? So whats the issue?
Edit - okay so OP is just asking for advice. Obviously Karen has to go and the wife may actually agree, once they discuss.
WTF_ImDRUNK (OP)
I haven’t actually asked her to distance herself from Karen yet. I personally want Karen cut out 100%. She said some nasty things about me in front of my girls that I can’t on will not forgive.
The girls seem to be alright now and understand it was a knee jerk reaction of a crazy woman. However, the least I will insist on will be she is not allowed near my girls for quite sometime.
NTA. You friend Karen is big problem here. She make accusation in front you daughters - this is cross the line. She try destroy you marriage and make you kids confuse about they parent.
You wife need understand Karen behavior is not okay. Is not about control who she friend with, is about protect you family from toxic person who no respect you marriage.
You should talk calm with wife and explain how Karen action hurt not just you but whole family, special the girls. They no need see this drama. Maybe wife no see clear because is her friend long time. But good friend no try break marriage apart.
WTF_ImDRUNK (OP)
My wife is quite upset also. That’s why I haven’t said anything to her about ending the friendship. I don’t want to ever see Karen again. I don’t want Karen near my girls ever again. I would prefer she never be around my wife again, I just don’t know if that’s something I can ask or my wife.
Just collect your thoughts for a bit. Your wife will likely sort out her crazy friend, and you don’t have to do anything. If it becomes a repeated pattern and she won’t be reasoned with, then you can chat about if the friendship is healthy, but ultimately you can’t control who your wife is friends with. She’s on your side rn so take a step back and keep it that way.