'AITA for asking my parents to quit hosting parties at their house?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking my parents to quit hosting parties at their house?"
I genuinely cannot tell if I’m the AH or not. Most of my family seems to think I am but I feel as though they don’t know why I feel this way. I(22F) live with my parents. I also pay $1200 in rent which covers their mortgage, and we have a lease agreement signed and notarized.
Everything for the most part is fine, except when they try acting like I’m still a child. I can easily brush this off because I am their youngest and they will always feel this way about me.
About 2 weeks ago my mom had told me she was having my nieces party at our house. I was excited in the beginning because I absolutely love my niece. My mom’s history with having parties at our house is about a 50/50 chance that people will fight or everything will be fun.
My dad was a little bit irritated that she told everyone that my nieces party was going to be here but he quickly got over it. Last week my mom came to me saying that they didn’t have any extra money for the party(I think you can see where this is going), so she asked if I could “pitch in”.
I asked about how much she needed, she said about $500. I told her I would give her $250 because my dad would get payed 2 days later. She said that she couldn’t buy everything she needed with $250 and $500 might not even cover everything.
So I asked her to ask my nieces mom or my brother for the money as she is not my child and I can’t afford to give her $500 at that moment. (My dad makes over $150,000 a year salary) I do all of the grocery shopping and pay for it so my mom can do her outdoor projects at the house.
My mom has been upset with me ever since that conversation. Skip forward to today, she is once again upset with me because none of the house work is done for the party and I’m not working fast enough to help her… I’m the only one doing the housework today.
The party is at 2:30pm and it’s currently 10:15am, and all the house work is done plus I made all of the sides she was going to make. She has been yelling at me to do everything, and I understand that she is stressed because a lot of people are coming over. But I told her in a moment of anger to “quit having parties at our house if you are going to get so angry at everyone trying to help you”.
She told me I live in her house and she can do what she wants in it. If I’m going to be ungrateful for living in her home then I can move out. My dad told me that I have every right to be upset but I need to not talk to my mom like that.
I agreed with him and went to apologize to my mom but she just said the damage is done and asked when I would be finding a new place to live. My dad doesn’t want me to move out because they are really relying on me to pay my rent during summer because they have so much to do on our property that they can afford the mortgage and projects.
I asked my brother and uncle that are here, and they both said that I’m the AH for talking to my mom that way and that I should find a new place to live because I’m 22 and “living with mommy and daddy time is over”. So, AITA for telling my mom to quit having parties at their house?
Short update: Started thinking I’m the AH. A little background on my family dynamic, my brother is 25 and has 2 kids with 2 different moms(he is single and has 0 custody over either child) and lives in an apartment.
My dad works out of town all the time which leaves my mom by herself a lot. She hates being alone at night which caused me to switch jobs a little over a year ago. With my new job I’m making roughly $73k a year. What I don’t spend I put into savings.
My dad was the one to initially ask me to pay rent because they were struggling(they constantly are giving my brother money). I agreed but I told them I want a lease agreement.
No I do not need to give them notice to move out, it was more so that I could also gain renters history for when I move out. They both agreed and that it for about a month. Then my brother was constantly coming over and eating all of the groceries, so I started buying my own and keeping it in my room or in the fridge with labels on it.
I have always done house chores but when my dad is gone I take on all of the house chores. Getting groceries started getting expected of me when my dad came home and my mom refused to go to the grocery store because she was doing her “projects”.
So I took it on because it wasn’t fair to my dad for him to work all day and not have any food in the house for him. My brother will come over unannounced and pillage through our pantry and fridge.
Now for the actual mini update: My dad is furious with my mom over this. My dad isn’t speaking to my mom or my brother at the moment. He doesn’t want me to move out and even talked to me about doing less around here.
He wants me to be able to go out and have fun with my friends without feeling like I have so much to do. He said it was their house before I started paying rent. He asked if I would like to get on the paperwork for the house because I am paying the mortgage.
I said no I would rather move out and try to have a better relationship with both of them. My dad suggested going no contact with my brother because he is mad over money. My dad had told my mom to grow up and learn to budget.
Now I feel like I’m causing a huge split in my family. I told them I can move out tonight(I have a friend that’s been trying to get me to move in with her) but my mom is refusing to let me take any of my stuff(I own everything in my room).
We are still waiting for the party to happen, but one of my friends said he would come help me move whenever(he works for my dad) but he doesn’t want to get too involved in everything. I will update later with more info.
UPDATE: Thank you all for the advice, here’s an edit, it’s about to get twisted. The party ended a few hours ago and my dad actually told my mom that he needed to talk with her. She kept insisting she was tired and wanted to go to bed, but he basically told her to sit down and listen.
I asked if I could also talk to both of them, my dad eagerly agreed. Everyone in my family knows I’m not very confrontational so the fact that I asked to talk to both of them scared my mom. I told them both that I’m going to move out and I can stay with my friend until I find a place.
My dad said that he totally understands and will give me the money from this months “rent”. MY MOM BLEW UP. She started saying how close we are and it’s completely silly to take what we each said to heart. That we both said things out of spite and hurt, but we can move past it.
I told her that I’m really not comfortable paying for everyone in the house to live while they are building things to make their home prettier. I also told her that I’m a tenant not a freeloading child, thus I have tenant rights. She came back with “You will always be my child and I will always be your mother. I have your best interest at heart, not all of these boys you bring to my house”.
The “boys” in question are a few of my dads coworkers that come over with their wives to hangout with my dad and learn to make sourdough…this happens once a week at most. I told her there is only 1 guy that has my best interest at heart, and that’s her husband.
My mother became more and more irritated so I decided to leave for the night. I’m currently at my grandpas house sitting and watching tv with him, eating snickerdoodles that I taught him how to bake. He told me that I am always welcome to come stay with him for however long I want free of charge…as long as I do the cooking(only because this man cannot cook anything other than hotdogs over a fire).
My grandfather is so disappointed in his son, grandson and daughter in law, and that makes me kind of sad. I have always been very close to him so he knows everything that has been going on for a while. He was telling me that I needed to see things for myself the way they were and I will finally understand.
He was right, and I’m very happy to be here with him. I have to go to the house tomorrow though to pack my things and move. If anything happens tomorrow I will update but for now this is all. Thank you all for the advice and support!!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, tell your mom to void your lease agreement and you'll happily move out. She's gonna keep bullying you as long as you keep rolling over and letting her. They need you, not the other way around.
Exactly. If someone’s paying rent under a legal lease, they’re a tenant not a live-in helper or backup wallet. You don’t get to demand money, labor, and obedience while also threatening to kick them out when they push back. That’s not how healthy agreements work, family or not.
How big is your family? $500 is an insane amount for a birthday party in a home (where I lie, anyway). I'd move out. Your mom is treating you as a wallet and a maid. The second someone starts yelling at others, they lose the dignity of receiving respect in return. Especially if the person being yelled at pays the damn mortgage.
Shoddy_Rice_730 (OP)
My family is pretty big, but my brother and my nieces mom are not together. We have a great relationship with her but majority of the people coming are from her family. In total there are going to be about 120 people at the house.
NTA. She needed to hear it. It’s crazy that someone making $150,000 a year is living paycheck to paycheck while someone else is covering their mortgage. I would move out before they sunk me into whatever money pit they’re feeding.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
# idk anymore: I am officially moved out and living with my grandfather till the 25th… then I move into my own place. It’s not big but it’s perfect for me. My mom has been calling and leaving voicemails either screaming or crying. My brother is beyond pissed about the situation, but luckily my dad and him left to go out of town for work.
I am happy where I am for a little bit but will be looking for a bigger place with a roommate after my 6month lease is up. Thank you all for everything and the advice. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for validating how I was feeling and ensuring I’m not crazy or mean.
To answer some questions about my family that I’ve seen asked a few times:
My grandfather owns the company that my dad and brother work for. I was always welcome to work there and I did for a year, but my relationship with my family was very strained at the time. Hence why I changed careers.
My parents bail my brother out of every situation he finds himself in. They have asked me on multiple occasions to help my brother out with money for all types of reasons. The “projects” at the house…my mom started her own lavender farm and spends 99% of her time and my dads money trying to make it look “presentable”.
Other “projects” include but are not limited to: graveling the driveway, replanting grass, planting trees, building a shop, painting the house, building an awning for the back porch, adding a concrete pad for a back porch, getting chickens, building a chicken coop, and everything else you can imagine for 25 acres of land.
My parents money situation. My parents bought a camping trailer a few years ago and owe big money on it. My mom bought a new car about 2 years ago and majority of the rest of the money goes to my brother. He can’t save any money and will spend his last cent at coffee shops. Once again thank you all for everything and being so kind. <3