'AITA for asking my SIL to tone it down with the flower girl stuff?'
"AITA for asking my SIL to tone it down with the flower girl stuff?"
My sister-in-law Jules (30F) is getting married later this year. There are a lot of kids in the family (eight, between ages 5 to 16). So when she and her fiancee decided on the bridal party, the big roles like flower girls and the ring bearer went to the three youngest, my nephew (8m) and niece (6F) and my younger daughter (5F).
My older daughter (11F) doesn't have a part to do, but our nephews (M, ages 12-16) were later asked to be ushers. Jules is someone who likes to go all out. She didn't just ask my daughter and her cousin to be her flower girls, she gave them each a "Will you be my flower girl" present, which was a Build-a-Bear stuffie in a wedding dress.
She had this big day out to get lunch and go shopping for dresses. And they're planning a DIY night where they can decorate the flower girl baskets and the ring bearer pillow.
It's sweet, but my older daughter feels left out. She wasn't invited on the shopping trip or any of the extra activities. I know she's jealous and whatever I try to suggest we do, it isn't enough or she doesn't want to do it with just her mom (me). The older boys are doing their own thing.
I know it's not my job to spare her feelings, but I asked Jules if she can pump the brakes and tone down on the flower girl stuff because it is leaving her older niece out.
She wasn't too receptive and said that she doesn't want to stop because the younger kids are having fun. My MIL said the same thing, that it's not Jules' responsibility to make my older daughter feel better about herself.
It's my own, but it's hard when she doesn't want to do anything with me even when I try. The general mood in the family is that I need to butt out and handle it myself because it's not Jules' problem that my daughter feels that way. Just in case, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I was in a similar situation (minus the excessive gifts) at my daughter’s wedding. I solved by buying a camera (Polaroid) for the older sister and making her the official photographer for all the younger kids doings. She ended up having a blast.
YTA. Your intent is coming from a place of empathy for your 11-year-old, but your execution is a domain error. You are asking a bride to diminish a once in a lifetime experience for three young children because one pre-teen is experiencing a very normal, albeit painful, rite of passage. The "In-Between" Phase. You can’t ask a bride to hide her joy. You have to help your daughter find her own.
Unfortunately, YTA. It does suck that your older daughter has been left out, and if I were your sister, I would have found something she can do, but you don't get to tell her that she needs to tone it down. If it bothers you so much, you don't have to let your other daughter be a flower girl, but that wouldn't be fair either.
NTA. Are all niblings included in some way except for your 11 year old? Thats a huge oversight on your SIL. And wildly unkind.
NTA. SIL is free to choose her own wedding party, and you are free to ask her to tone it down a bit (and she can say no). With the older boys being included, I don’t blame your 11 year old for feeling left out. I would be upset as a parent as well.
Does SIL need anyone to pass out programs at the ceremony or anything of that nature? Guest book attendant? Candle lighter? Your daughter could still go shopping to pick out a cute dress and be included somewhat in the ceremony/festivities.
SIL is a little bit of an AH for including everyone in the wedding except for one of her nieces. the 11 year old could also have been an usher. its one thing to leave someone out, but making it blatantly obvious is just mean.
Tell her all the great stuff about not being in the wedding...She gets to choose her own outfit (within the dress code) and spend her money on things she actually wants, rather than a one-time-use bridesmaid or flower girl dress.
Being a flower girl sounds cute until you realize it’s a job. She has to: Be at the venue early, Practice walking like a robot at a rehearsal.Stand still while people poke at her hair and dress. Walk down a long aisle with everyone staring at her, hoping she doesn't trip or drop the basket. Waiting, So much waiting.Photos So many photos you have to stand and smile for....
NTA for caring about your daughter, but you can't make your SIL be a decent human being, so don't bother trying. I think she really sucks as a person for including what sounds like ALL the nieces and nephews except for ONE. That is really awful of her.
And not only have all these other kids been invited to be in the wedding, she's flaunting it and basically throwing it in your daughter's face by buying them all gifts and having little parties for them.
Yes, it IS an important lesson for your daughter that not everyone gets an invitation to everything, but 11 is kind of a tender age, and normally she would learn this lesson from other girls her own age, not a grown adult mean-girl who is marrying into your family.
I would be halfway tempted to throw a bag in the trunk and take my daughter to the beach the weekend of the wedding. I probably wouldn't do it, but I'd fantasize about it. LOL.
This one is weird but NTA because why leave just your older daughter out? Can she not usher? I had one niece as flower girl but since the other was a little old for that I had her do a Bible reading and wear a dress in the bridal colors.
Surprised by the responses. NTA, you asked, you didn't demand. Your SIL is being mega over the top and incredibly insensitive when it's already a difficult time in your daughter's life.
She's too old to be a cute child, too young for more adult stuff (although tbh, I've seen bridesmaids that young). It sounds like almost all, if not all of her cousins are involved in this wedding, except her. It's not unreasonable for her to feel excluded because she's being excluded.
You can't force your SIL to tone it down and I understand you've already tried to make it up to your daughter but I think you need to just be straight with her. Lay it on the line - her feelings are valid and the situation sucks but she has a choice to make.
She can continue to sulk and pout and feel her feelings - which is a valid choice, or she can take you up on your offer to make it up to her with some spoiling/princess treatment. Whichever she chooses you'll support her.