Mother begs sister to stop gifting one child and ignoring the other on their birthday; 'I'll start when she likes me.' AITA?
"AITA for asking my sister to not buy presents for one of my children if she wasn’t going to buy for the other child?"
Willing-Criticism-92
I (34F) have two children, 10 & 3, whose birthdays are 1 month apart exactly. When my 3 year olds birthday passed, I didn’t hear anything from my sister (50F). I didn’t think much of it because we aren’t terribly close and have a history of a high conflict relationship.
When my eldest birthday passed, they received a text message wishing them a happy birthday from their aunt, which was so nice for them. Eldest birthday was about a month ago, and this week a birthday gift for them from their aunt was dropped off.
They loved the gift and were sure to text a thank you to their aunt, but later seemed to be a bit down. When I asked them if everything was alright they asked me why their sibling didn’t get anything for their birthday?
Not wanting to taint my child’s perception of their aunt I said that she’s a busy lady and I don’t think she knows the exact date of her sister's birthday and it was just an oversight.
Today I messaged my sister to let her now how much her niece loved her present and reminded her of the date of my youngest birthday for next year. Her reply honestly shocked me a bit.
She said she knew, and mentioned some offhanded similarity between another family members birthday. Knowing that she knew and intentionally ignored my youngest on her birthday was a bit upsetting.
I remembered a distant visit with my sister and her making a comment “I’ll start buying her presents when she likes me” but I thought it was just a joke and brushed it off.
I’ll note here that my 3 year old is not a big people person, and quite shy and what some may consider “rude” as she will actively bury herself in my lap to avoid anyone trying to talk to her or prod at her.
I don’t force her to interact but encourage her to be polite and she will generally warm up fairly quickly. That being said we rarely see this aunt so there have been few opportunities to build a relationship for the toddler.
In my next message I asked her to refrain from buying my eldest presents in the future and that just a “happy birthday” was more than enough (and made the girls feel acknowledged and special) if she didn’t want to buy something for my youngest. It’s not fair to the little one, and it made my eldest feel guilty for receiving something from a family member when she noticed that her sister had not.
From my sisters response I take it she is not too pleased with me. I don’t want to presume to tell her how to spend her money, but I don’t want my children to have hurt feelings in the future but I also don’t feel like lying to my eldest about why her sister didn’t get a gift just to preserve her image of her aunt if she doesn’t want to treat my kids equally. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
UnfairEntrance159
NTA. It's a little disturbing that your sister doesn't buy your 3 yo gifts unless she shows affection to her 😬.
Big_Meat2819
NTA Your sister is punishing a shy toddler for being shy. Who the hell does that? And she wants this child to like her? Not likely!
Puzzled_Profit6406
NTA. You have every right to accept (or not) a gift for your children, and it's normal that you ask your sister to buy gifts for both or none, because it's unfair for your children. The only AH I see here is your sister who is petty enough to punish a 3 y.o. for comitting the unforgivable crime of not liking her.
Frankly, I'd totally understand your youngest if that was the case (although I believe that she simply doesn't know her aunt enough). It's really difficult to like a adult that acts with such pettiness and close-mindness.
informaltruth16
Going to play DA here...Your sister's comment "when she likes me" seems odd. It doesn't feel like the sort of comment anybody would say seriously, especially to the girl's mother. It can be really difficult to prioritize gifts in different circumstances, especially if a person may not have the financial means to get everybody gifts.
Some may then suggest that your sister should tell you. I'm not sure everybody understands how difficult that conversation can be... admitting you don't have the means to buy gifts for all nieces/nephews.
It's the sort of situation where a person may make a joke "...when she likes me" instead. This is just a thought. There's not enough information provided, but your description of what happened and the following conversations just seems... off.
lapsangsookie
NTA But with an amateur psychologist hat on, it’s not hard to see why your much older sister is favouring the older sibling. Maybe she felt left out when her younger sister got gifts and attention, and she’s overcompensating in the next generation.
banjadev
NTA - you are following your oldest child's lead since she felt uncomfortable and voiced it. Sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother. Your sister has the issue; it doesn't need to impact your kids.
Basic-Regret-6263
NAH. From her POV, she's just buying presents for the people close to her. From yours, you're avoiding favoritism between children too young to understand/be accountable for it. Just have a talk with her about how the kids are too young to understand this, and so just a simple cheap anything for the younger kid is fine - and also you'll help remind her about birthdays.
I have multiple siblings, and how easy it is to remember their birthdays has nothing to do with how close we are, and everything to do with how convenient the date is to remember.