'AITA for asking to divorce my husband after cheating on him?' + UPDATE
"AITA for asking to divorce my husband after cheating on him?"
I(30F) have been married to my husband(32M) for 5 years. One year ago I cheated on him in a drunken one night stand. The next morning I felt disgusted and confessed immediately. He was devastated, but I begged and pleaded for another chance and he gave it to me. I was ecstatic, practically hugging his feet thanking him.
It has been one year since then, but I feel like we haven't made any progress. I took all the steps for reconciliation. I went to therapy, both couples and personal. I made it a point to put all his needs and wants first.
I gave him space when necessary, but also made it clear I was always there for him. I truly gave it my all, but it didn't even make a dent. He wont touch me, wont talk to me, we have sex but every time we do it, it's clear he is just doing it out of physical need.
I know I don't deserve more, but all I really want is just one sign to tell me that we are making progress. Just one sign that he still cares, that someday we can be like before or at least close to it. Just one sign that the sun is still there.
Last night, I was at my limit. I told him we needed to talk and laid it all out. I told him that I loved him and I knew I was at fault, but that it was clear he was never going to forgive me.
That as such we needed to stop causing pain to each other and that I wanted a divorce. At first he seemed surprised, and then he got angry. He yelled at me, saying how he knew I would never stick to my word and how he should have never given me the second chance.
I got teary at his words, but didn't argue, just said again what I told him before. At this point he left the house and I havent seen him since. He won't return my texts or phone calls.
None of our parents or friends know about my infidelity so this is the only place where I can get another prespective. I know I am the AH for doing what I did a year ago, and I'll carry that shame and guilt for the rest of my life. But I don't think that I am wrong for wanting to end both our pains. AITA for asking for divorce?
I am not blaming my husband or the lack of progress for the death of my marriage. I killed my marriage and I will always carry that. I just don't think I am in the wrong to end it now, no matter how much it hurts on both sides. He just texted me. Says he is coming home. I don't know what to expect.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
YTA - you destroyed your marriage and expect your husband to snap out of it and get over it. It’s only been a year. The one night stand was a conscious decision and you neglected to tell him about the issues and decided to sleep with a stranger. He didn’t even tell anyone so he’s spared you embarrassment.
YTA It seems, however, that your husband is still struggling to forgive, and it’s truly painful when efforts don’t result in emotional healing. Recognizing that both of you are hurting and stuck in the situation is crucial, and it seems like you’re aware of that.
One year is nothing. It probably took him 6 months to stop thinking about you having sex with someone else 24/7. How long did it take for you to stop thinking about him cheating on you? Oh wait...
Let me guess progress would entail him pretending everything is 100% fine to make you feel less guilty. You expect to have a deep connection when having sex after you threw that away to get some from another... lol.. ok.
You don't care... don't kid yourself not only did you cheat (and he still protected your honour by not telling everyone) but you won't give him time over this betrayal and then throw him away a 2nd time.
YTA….you cheated and think he’s the bad guy cause he’s struggling to get past it. That’s unbelievable.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Before I begin this update I feel like there are a few things I need to clarify. I made the original post to ask if I was the AH for asking my husband for a divorce, since I thought it was the best course of action for both of us, not if I was the AH for cheating. I am already aware that I am an AH for doing that to him.
I said it was a drunken one night stand, but I never blamed the alchool. Yes, it was an external factor, but the blame is mine, because the decisions leading to the infidelity were mine. Nothing forced me to cheat. I know that.
I didn't ask for a divorce because our progress was too slow, or not as fast as I would have liked. I was willing to work at a snails' pace. The problem was that the progress was non-existent. Not even a hint to show that we might be on the right direction. I felt that it wasn't right for either of us to forever remain in that limbo state.
Now, for the update. My husband came back home yesterday. He was a lot calmer and this time he started the conversation. Firstly he apologised for lashing out. He said that he had thought about it, and realized that he was only punishing me, without allowing himself to start healing and forgiving.
He asked if I really wanted a divorce. I said no, and that I loved him, but if he was never even at least considering to forgive me then there was no point in causing more pain to each other.
He was silent for a moment, then he hugged me. That was all it took. I broke down crying and hugging him back. He promised that he would try to forgive me. I tried to take things a bit further and he let me.
I'm not going to lie and say that now everything is well. It was clear that the sex was still purely physical for him and after he didn't treat me much more differently than usual. But now I feel like there is an achievable goal ahead. And that we're both actively trying to achieve it. I guess we're not getting divorced yet.
Honestly, probably not many people wanted this update. I'm just highlighting my thoughts, because, again, I can't really talk to anyone else about this. Thank you to those who gave genuine responses to me in my first post.
Edit: Since I've read this a lot in the comments, I have told him from day one he is free to tell anyone he wishes about us. I have told him that I would never try to minimize or make it seem like he is lying. I am not concerened with my reputation at all, I just don't think it's my place to take that choice from him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
As you said, you effed up royally. He was subconsciously punishing you and himself. You have a huge mountain to climb but at least you have been encouraged to keep on that path. I’m hoping you don’t feel tempted again because I think that would shatter your husband.
Yikes. I remember your post. You decided to have a one night stand? Ugh, depends on, you need to rebuild everything trust, communication... and how you will work it out with your husband...honestly cheating sucks...
He deserves better.
Honestly, as long as both of you are willing to work on it, there’s still hope. But it’s gonna take time and a lot of patience. Good luck.
YTA. So you got your way and manipulated him, again. Looking forward to another update where you say the connection with AP was too strong and you cheated again. As for the edit, lol, manipulation again.
You know he loves and respects you. You know he won't give you up like that. So you are happy to sit back and say "hey, he can tell others if he wants". You don't want to take that choice away from him? Did he have any choice when you cheated??