"AITAH for asking to see my wife's phone?"

Happily married 15 years with two kids. Saturday night around midnight, she was showing me some videos on her phone when she got a message notification. She quickly swiped it away, though we both saw it. I didn't say anything, but decided to go to bed (already a bit annoyed at how she did it).

I asked who texted her so late & was told "Idk". Mentioned she should look to make sure someone didn't need anything. She then told me "It's a coworker from my old job asking why I'm up so late". She left that job 4 years ago. I said nothing, just rolled over & ended up mulling things over for hours.

Finally had a discussion about it yesterday, after not even being able to look at her. Of course, my mind is going all over the place. I asked when the last time they'd chatted & she said a few months ago & that they occasionally congratulate each other on promotions & such. Fine.

But then I discussed how she openly lied to my face, knowing full well who messaged her & that the totality of the circumstances was hard to accept as innocent. I reinforced that I was deeply hurt about being lied to in such an open & obvious situation. And now I am wondering if I'd be out of line asking to see the history of their conversations?

I don't think she's physically cheated on me, as she works from home and life & kids keeps both of our schedules pretty full. But I'd be devastated of she had some sort of emotional affair outside of our marriage.

So.... Would I be in the wrong to request to see her conversation? I don't need to see her entire phone. Just that one. And one step further, WIBTAH if I asked her to stop messaging this guy? I just think anyone reaching out at 1215am to a married person like that is looking just looking for trouble.

Help me out. Minds going a million directions and I'd like to either A. learn the truth or B. Figure out how to repair this.

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ladylynncogan said:

I don't know the right answer to your exact question. I do know if anything of the nature occurred and I knew my husband was concerned I already would have offered any information that would ease his mind.

And OP responded:

That's kind of where I'm at too. If I knew she was suspicious about something or stressed, I'm an open book because I have nothing to hide. The most she'll find is obnoxious memes shared with coworkers & friends.

[deleted] said:

Her shifty-ness is telling. You should tell her that you don't like vibe and give her one more chance to spill the beans. If she doesn't, I'd challenge her on how you're supposed to trust her when she's keeping secrets.

And LousyOpinions said:

NTA. You have to see her phone and look for deleted messages. Warning: You probably won't like what you find. And no, you can't take no for an answer on this one.

**UPDATE**

I began the discussion with "I have a question and a request to ask of you, but given the current situation, it's something that is festering in my mind.".... I then asked if the conversation was still in her phone. As many have suspected, it was not. She deleted. Why? "Because I delete all old conversations." I then asked if I could see it, and she let me.

It was all done via Facebook messenger, so I attempted to find it in the archives, but it wasn't there either. I asked if she could click the messenger icon from his FB profile page & she broke down about it being such a shit situation. She vehemently denies any sort of inappropriate conversations, though admits there may have been innocent flirting in the past (which, I'm fine with... People do it everyday).

She also says she hasn't exchanged any messages since at least Oct. But it took a lot for her to let me see the phone where there was a chance I find something more. To the point where I told her if I didn't see it, I'd assume the worst and would likely be looking for someplace else to stay the night.

Not sure how to proceed from here. Trust is currently at an all time low. And while I feel bad she's an emotional mess, it's a situation she put herself in, so I'm not overly compassionate about it. I wish there was another way to retrieve FB messenger conversations, but as many said, it's likely long gone.

I predict a long road ahead. I've already suggested some sort of counseling. Sucks that we've been almost entirely drama free for the majority of our relationship, hardly ever fighting. And this is a HUGE bump (more like crater) in our road.

I still don't think she's ever physically cheated on me. And her guilt & emotions makes me think she's telling the truth about any type of emotional cheating as well. We shall see! Only time will tell. Thank you all for the advice & insight. Hoping updates are positive & few and far between, if any.