'AITA for asking to take back an expensive gift from my ex-fiancé who left me for another woman?'
"AITA for asking to take back an expensive gift from my ex-fiancé who left me for another woman?"
morbese
i was with my ex fiancé for almost a decade, we were due to be married this July. We met as teenagers and both thought we would always be together. Last year, I suddenly lost my mother.
I then faced homelessness, and lost most my main friend group. It’s destroyed me, and it negatively impacted our relationship. I became severely depressed, and frankly just didn't have the energy to make my partner happy.
i was aware I was not the best partner anymore so a couple months ago, I suggested we take a break as neither of us was in a place to make it work. He reluctantly agreed, because even though he loved me, he was also really unhappy.
These past couple months, we still went on unofficial "dates", and were still having intimacy. I fell pregnant. He told me how he loved me still, and had hope for us. I felt the same.
A month ago, I tragically lost the child. This devastated me. While it was happening, I asked if he could be here for me. He said he couldn't because he had work. Fast forward two weeks.
We’d been talking normally, but had not seen each other as he said he was really busy with work. I tried calling him one night as I needed him. No answer. I text. No answer. Called again. No answer.
We have each other in the find my devices on iphone. I was worried (very unusual for him to not reply) so I checked to see if he was at home. He was at someone else’s. I immediately knew what was happening, and felt sick to my stomach.
The next morning when he replied, he told me "sorry, but me and A have been getting to know each other". It happened not even ONE week since me and him last had intimacy, and had the conversation about hope for the relationship.
He told me he loved me still but was being selfish, and just wanted to feel happy/have a distraction - that's what A was. He slept with her the weekend I told him I was losing the baby and I needed him.
This hurt IMMENSELY. I won’t delve into all the complicated emotions, but I'm sure you can imagine how I felt. I was graceful, despite this, and told him I wouldn't get in his way of happiness. He thanked me.
I know he’s treated me bad. I know he's questionable to his new girlfriend by lying to her and other details I can provide on request. However, this is where I might actually be an AH.
Last Christmas, I gave him my Macbook Air. Well, I asked for it back. He got bothered by this and said it was a gift; I can't just ask for it back because we aren't together anymore.
I understand this normally, and have never asked for gifts back that I've given people before. But after everything he has done to me, I thought I would be right in asking for it back, especially as I need it more than him, and he didn't even get me a Christmas gift.
He also doesn't use this Macbook at all. I saw it as the least he could do. But some friends have said I have no right to ask for it back. Am I the AH? Should I not insist he return it to me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
East_Hospital_2775
YTA. He didn't leave you for another woman; y'all were already broken up when he hooked up with her. Just because y'all kept having sex doesn't mean y'all got back together. Regardless, you have no right asking someone to hand over their property to you.
BulbasaurRanch
No, YTA. All of the background was unnecessary. It doesn’t mean anything in terms of the issue. A gift given is final. It’s not yours to take back, regardless of anything that happened. You can’t ask for gifts back. Doesn’t matter how you feel about him now, it’s his property at this point.
lihzee
YTA. You don't get to request gifts back because you're feeling hurt.
TitsNLips
YTA. You can add all the justification in the world, but the key thing that makes a gift a gift, is that it's not yours anymore after you give it to someone.
Hot_Box_4574
YTA I'm sorry for your recent troubles but a gift is a gift and you cannot ask for one back. The rest of the circumstances are separate issues that have nothing to do with the MacBook you gave him.
Demented-Alpaca
YTA. A gift is a gift. You GAVE it to him. It's his. I know you've had a hard time of it and I get how you feel about him doing what he did but you broke up. He wasn't there for you and all of that.
But you gave it to him, broke up with him, thought you were getting back together and then that didn't work. Sorry but the laptop has nothing to do with anything other than you being petty here.
applebum8807
My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry for your loss, but you are acting very unreasonable here, unhinged even. The macbook was a gift, not a loaner and you simply do not have any right to demand he give you his own property, no matter your circumstances. He also did not “leave you for another woman”. You broke up at your own suggestion. YTA.
Zahrad70
A very gentle YTA. I understand that you are hurt. Rightfully so. But gifts are gone. Particularly in the U.S., the giver no longer has any claim to gifted property. The only exception I am aware of is things that are not actually considered gifts, like an engagement ring, for example.
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. In fact, anyone even considering taking legal advice from me should seek a professional life coach immediately after getting themselves an actual attorney.
SnooBunnies7461
YTA and no you can't insist he return something you gifted to him. Sorry he's being an awful to you but you need to stop contacting him for any reason and move on. Continuing to badger him over a mac book isn't healthy for you. Cut this off now and start building your new life without him.