'AITA for asking that my wife attend our son's award ceremony?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking that my wife attend our son's award ceremony?"
I F(31) and my wife F(27) haven't been speaking today over a disagreement we had this morning. Some backstory, our son is 10 and in the 4th grade. He has SEVERE ADHD and used to get in trouble often despite having a good heart. To the point that last year we got a phone call from the principal a minimum of once a week the entire school year. Fast forward to this year and he is really putting in the effort.
He has straight As and has not gotten a phone call home all year. He came home yesterday telling me his teacher told him he will receive an award that is only given to one student in the grade and is meant to recognize their exemplary behavior. I congratulated him and told him I was proud of him. When my wife got home later, I told her and her response was "okay."
So I figured she didn't understand that in his world it's a big deal so I explained the award. She responded "If only he could be that good all the time." Then this morning I got an email from his teacher inviting us to the ceremony in a week. So I excitedly forwarded it to her. A year ago I would have never thought he would have improved this much and I'm genuinely so proud of him.
Well, she responded saying she will be working and won't go. I responded that she is contacted almost daily (which is no exaggeration) to cover others shifts including her own manager. We are talking things like my cat is sick, I slept through my alarm, I cut my finger badly. I was irritated, and said if others can call out for those things then she can come in late one day to support our son.
She said I was being a d and we haven't spoken all day. I'm not knocking her job at all, but I think a barista should be able to come in half an hour late one single day. I'd get it if she had tried and her boss was stubborn but she didn't even make an effort and it's hard for me to not feel upset that it appears she doesn't really care how much progress our kid has made. Was I being unreasonable?
Edit from OP:
Reiterating that we are both women. My son was 5 when we met. We are the only active parents in his life. No idea where the donor is.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ShiningAsterism said:
NTA- “if only he could be good all the time” is a scary red flag for your kid. Sounds like she will celebrate nothing less than perfection, which doesn’t exist. Instead of asking if you are TA, ask if that response is something you’re ok living and raising you kid with. It’s not for me.
Therapist here…those are the kinds of parents kids go no contact with when once they are adults. NTA
starry_nite99 said:
NTA. This breaks my heart for your son, especially the “If only he could be good all the time” comment. I know you said you and your wife are the only active partners your son has, but your wife is still technically his step parent. Does your wife & son have a very close connection? Is she normally very blasé about things, or in general not emotional?
TeamNewChairs said:
NTA and as someone with ADHD I think you really need to reconsider the relationship if she's this dismissive of something that his disability legitimately makes extra hard for him. Like I'm not one to rush to "break up with them."
But I know firsthand how bad the long-term effects of never feeling good enough and being made to believe you're a burden over a disability that makes your own life 20x harder than it does those around you. Like seriously, the lil kid me lodged in my soul felt a gut punch at this post.
Aware_Welcome_8866 said:
NTA. No excuse but your wife sounds so weary. Is this how she typically reacts to your son’s milestones and achievements? If yes, expressing your concern after 5 years is woefully inadequate. If no, check in with her rather than berate her. Yes, she most definitely should attend, no doubt about it. But it’s not clear to me if this is a won’t or can’t (emotionally) situation.
hadesarrow3 said:
NTA this is really heartbreaking. I hope you being there is enough to show him he should be so so so proud of his hard work, and I hope your wife realizes how damaging her attitude can be. Please tell your son from a grown up ADHD stranger, I am super proud of him.
Later OP came back with this update:
Update: When she got home from work yesterday, she had brought home some treats and gifts for him to celebrate and apologized to me for earlier in the day. I just wanted to add some additional information. I know i didn't give a ton, but I was trying to keep the post from being excessively long.
1. My wife and son have a good relationship overall and often bond over shared interests that I don't share with them.
2. Our marriage isn't perfect and we fight sometimes but not often and we are both very happy with it.
3. He is OUR son. If you are incapable of understanding how someone could completely bond and love a child that they did not biologically create then you are most likely also incapable of understanding our family dynamic. With that said, your lack or understanding does not equate to it being an impossibility.
Thank you to everyone who took time to share their opinions and advice. I really appreciate it!