I (36M) and my wife, Sally (37F), have been together for five years and have two boys—Nick (4M) and Ivan (2M). Sally moved to my state to be with me, but she never found a job that was a good fit, so she’s been home since we had Nick.
When Nick was born, she wanted to breastfeed but struggled, so we switched to formula while she tried pumping. Because she was recovering and pumping, she said she couldn’t handle night feedings, so I did every single one.
She also felt overwhelmed being alone with Nick during the day, so my sister (who lives 45 minutes away) started watching him. I handled almost all the pickups and drop-offs.
Even with that, I still did all the bathing and feeding at night. When Ivan was born, it was the same story—but even more extreme. Sally never once got up at night with him. Not one single time.
Now, both boys are in daycare, and I handle waking them up, getting them ready, taking them to daycare, working, picking them up, and bringing them home. Meanwhile, Sally mops once a week, does laundry, and makes dinner—though dinner is usually boxed mac & cheese for the boys and something air-fried for us.
I’m exhausted. When I get home, I can’t really do anything until the boys are in bed because Sally rarely takes care of them alone. We’ve had multiple fights about this, and in the past, she’s said she “doesn’t want the kids” and even talked about divorce.
A few months ago, during another fight, she changed her tune and said that if we split, she wanted to take Ivan. I shut that down immediately—not only because the boys are extremely close, but also because she’s never even woken up at the same time as them before. I don’t trust her to take care of Ivan alone.
About a month ago, I finally told Sally I need help—any help. Even just getting out of bed when the boys wake up to help feed them, change them, or get them into the car. She said she’d try. It’s been over a month. Nothing has changed.
I brought it up again, and she got defensive, saying I don’t appreciate what she does do. She also said mopping is hard and hurts her body, so there’s no way she can do more with the kids.
Then she told me that since I insisted on keeping both kids if we ever divorced, it’s my responsibility now—and I deserve to be exhausted. I don’t know what to think. I’m tired. I just want some help. But maybe I really am being an AH for asking? AITA?
Edited to add info.
My wife has had counseling multiple times including EMDR. We did couples counseling as well. Nothing has helped. I also did some talk therapy and am planning to start again. Also she refuses to even consider medication.
Wife is not originally from this country and was disappointed in the help she received from my family. Also she is resentful at having given up her friends and life on her city to move in with me. She feels like she never should have moved here.
Also she does do some light cleaning. So the house is not a disaster. We have robot vacuum that helps with the main level. We’ve mostly had to hire someone to come clean every few weeks though.
Also going to add that this is her third marriage and this is my first. She’s shown a pattern in the past of running away from problems. But before getting married we discussed that.
NTA. Divorce her, get sole custody, and sue her for child support. You have already been a single father for the last years, it can only get better.
That's the perfect solution, except right now she doesn't work. It will be interesting to see what happens if he follows through. Maybe she'll learn if she gets out on the street without a home, that she needs to make a contribution in life and not just take, take, take.
NYA. Tell her that since she doesn't want to be a wife or mother, she needs to leave.
Did she even want children?
Sounds like you’ve been a single parent and she’s just a lazy freeloader. I don’t see what she contributes at all. A tiny bit of housework is rather lame. Shame on her.
Usual-Tune-8321 (OP)
This post was already rather long, but I’ll add some addition information. Her parents helped her buy a home in her old city. When she moved here she sold that small home and it paid for about half of our first home together.
I have since paid for all of our bills, mortgage, and spending. The power dynamics have always been a bit off because she brought cash, but I brought significant income but with low savings.
Start documenting everything. Have a sit down with her and record your conversation (without her knowing) so you can play it for your divorce lawyer. Ask her why she's never gotten up with either child in the middle of the night, why she's never dropped them off or picked them up from daycare...hell why she doesn't save you both the money by keeping the boys at home since she doesn't work.
As her why on top of your full time job being home the money, ALL childcare also falls on you. Ask her why there's no nutritional meals for you and the boys. Ask her if she really meant it that she didn't want the kids It may not be admissible in court, but your lawyer would fight harder for you. Ask your sis if your wife has ever said anything about not wanting to be a mother.
When divorce is mentioned in a marriage, there's already one foot out the door and she was the one who said she didn't want kids and that if you split she'd want to split the boys too. Time to lose the dead weight and file that divorce with request for full custody. You're already doing everything on your own now anyway. And sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both parties which will only get worse.