College graduate son stagnates at home, mother worries her 'tough love' is too harsh. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"At the end of my tether with adult child."
My son is 23 years old, recently graduated with a Mechanical Engineering honors degree and no college debt. He doesn’t want to do anything. He’s got a job in a bike shop for 2 days a week, and doesn’t work more than that.
He just wants to go to the gym, and sit on his computer and phone. He has two younger siblings who have drive and direction, but he says nothing motivates him. For years I thought he was depressed, and he has in the past been on antidepressants and had therapy.
His last recent bout with a therapist ended after 20+ sessions and he told me they can’t figure out why he’s the way he is. Out of desperation, I talked to the therapist who told me he didn’t think my son was depressed.
But things are hard for young men now and they said he needs time. He has been tested for ADHD, and is on medication for that - when he can be bothered to collect the prescription. He doesn’t believe he has ADHD by the way.
He has burned his bridges with friends and is burning his bridges with us. He makes his own meals and takes them to his room to eat, despite being told that he has to be a part of the family if he’s here.
We charge him rent, but made the mistake of telling him we were saving it for him when he moves out. From this month I am deducting money for bills and food. He is rude to his siblings, doesn’t help out around the house, and doesn’t do anything at all to contribute to the family.
I want to give my son purpose, and we’ve tried everything - and I mean everything. I have spent countless hours talking to him, asking him how I can help him. He doesn’t know.
I’ve suggested he take a year out doing volunteer work, or traveling abroad for a year, or working a crappy job until he figures out what comes next. He wanted to move to California (where we used to live) and live in San Francisco until he realized he couldn’t financially.
I can’t bear the thought of kicking him out, but I see no other option. I feel that we are being held emotional hostages, and the stress of it is unbearable. I am so upset that one of my children is like this.
I feel in equal parts responsible and resentful. I am terrified that if we kick him out at the end of the month he will end his life, sleep on the street or never talk to us again, but I am at the point where something needs to happen.
It is ruining my life, my marriage and my relationship with my other children. We have given him (another) deadline of the end of the month, but I am struggling to make it that far.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I think trying to talk to him for hours doesn't help. It just makes him feel like someone is telling him how to live his life. I would suggest telling him how you feel, that this situation is difficult for you as well and that everyone is suffering from this.
That you love him but if he would like to continue to live under your roof, then he needs to change. Otherwise give him the option to find a place within the next three months and tell him he is always welcome at home though but it might be time to find some purpose in life. I feel like this might be a millennial issue.
Great response!! Especially the millennial part. Why would we want to go work a slave wage job only and not even be able to buy a house. What's the incentive to work those long hours when the only thing at the end of the line is a crappy apartment and a couple vacations.
CommunicationOwn884 (OP)
Thank you, this is helpful. I agree that talking is no longer helping. I am going to tell him, again, how I feel and that we are all suffering. Three months is too long, and I know that because he's had eight months so far.
He had a deadline of Jan 31st, but then we scrambled to make some other reason 'fit' for his behavior (that's when we came up with gaming addiction or possible autism). I don't think I can even cope with it continuing to the end of the month, but I will try.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I really stuck to my guns over the lap top and phone usage, and after a week or so of sulking (or adjusting, I am still not sure), my son decided to go on anti depressants. At the same time, he started to experience more of the world just by hanging around us more. My husband made him go into the office with him every single day to look for a job.
My son did the bare minimum, but eventually my husband found him a job that looked interesting and he applied and got the job! It’s just a job, not a career path, but it has changed our worlds.
My son now works full time AND has kept his old weekend job. He now works about 10 days in a row, then gets a day off. By choice! With his first paycheck last month, he bought some new clothes (the first in several years) and some accessories for his bike.
He is now planning on what to do with his next paycheck. He is also making friends at his new job, and goes biking with the guys after work. He’s found his passion for biking again.
I cannot stress enough the utter relief we feel. I can now sleep at night, and I no longer worry about him. Sure, he needs to figure out a longer term plan but for now we can sit back and watch him discover the world again, and that it’s actually quite a nice place.
Three month later, the OP returned with an update.
OP here again. I want to provide an update for any parents in the same boat who stumble upon this thread. It's been a year since my original post, and our lives have changed unrecognizably for the better.
After my son started work, his confidence grew and his self-esteem improved. He had purpose. Over the last year we kept revisiting the move, and sometimes things got heated, but we stuck to our guns until we gave him a hard deadline.
The deadline came and we made him leave the house. It was so hard, we didn't sleep for two days, and my husband caved and asked him to come back. The shock of us making him move into a hotel had the desired effect.
It took several more months and lots of reminding, but he eventually found a place on his own and moved out last month into his own place. He is now living independently just a few minutes from his work and is loving it.
He enjoys earning money and paying his own way. He has experienced buying a washing machine, learned how to plumb it in, and understands that sometimes you have to take a day off work to accept deliveries.
He is learning that no-one is going to unpack the boxes but himself and that if he wants food, he has to go and buy it, even if he's tired. We offer our help and have of course helped a lot, but we haven't picked up any pieces.
This is all on him. And best of all? Our relationship is getting back on track. He comes over every Sunday for dinner, hangs out, and catches us up with his news. He is feeling so good about himself and loves standing on his own two feet.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Turns out many people are weirdly happier and have more purpose when working even a crap job versus no job at all. I dream about playing video games most of my working shift and I resent having to spend the best part of my life slaving away at my desk.
But if I am unemployed and just messing around those video games really don’t keep me entertained. It’s just something to do to pass the monotony of doing nothing important. But I treasure my time playing when it is after work and my wife and I are just playing side by side.
When you're a kid/young adult who is only used to having "birthday money," the amount of money you get from working even a crappy full time job is staggering. It's like "holy cow, I'm rich!" It can be a lot of fun. Then you move out and start paying bills and then go to "holy cow, I'm poor!" But those first few paychecks are a real eye opener.
I think this sort of hopeless unliving existence is on the rise, at least in the U.S./Western countries. It's also definitely a privileged affliction; people who don't have parents who can subsidize their non-existence obviously HAVE to work enough to pay for their essentials, even if they're still depressed or purposeless.
I have family and friends stuck in this same sort of hole, and it's terrifying to see someone you love trapped in what seems to be a type of hopeless depression. They don't feel like there's any point in living, but they're not miserable enough to actually take action to harm themselves, so they live in a constant feckless fog trying to distract themselves out of the pain.