'AITA for having my birthday party somewhere else to avoid inviting my autistic stepsister?'
"AITA for having my birthday party somewhere else to avoid inviting my autistic stepsister?"
I’m 17F. My parents split up when I was 11 and I split time between them. I prefer living with my dad, but my mom put up a giant fuss when I asked so, to make things easier on my dad, I dropped it.
They don’t get along very well to start with. My mom started dating Dan 3 years ago and they got married this year. Dan has two kids who live full time with him, Amy (15F) and Tye (12M), since their mom is gone.
I get along pretty well with Tye, but Amy drives me insane. Both of them are autistic but are different in how it affects them, I guess? Tye is quiet and kind of minds his own business unless you get him started on something he’s interested in.
Amy is loud and annoying and constantly bothering me or getting in the way of stuff I’m trying to do. I have to share a room with her right now until the basement is fixed up, which means I can’t get away from her when I’m at my mom’s house. Amy has no friends, so my mom and Dan have been trying to force her into my friend group basically.
At first it was just “Hey, why don’t you take Amy with you?” and now I can’t hang out with my friends on mom’s week without Amy being involved because she cried about not being allowed to eat lunch with us at school. So I don’t bring any friends to my mom’s house anymore or go out and do anything, I just wait til the next week.
My birthday was last week. I usually have a sleep over with my friends at whoever’s house I’m staying at that weekend, but this time it fell on mom’s weekend and I knew my mom and Amy were going to throw the whole vibe off, so I told my mom I just wanted a family dinner instead of a party (weekend before last) and then planned the sleepover at my dad’s the next weekend (last weekend).
It was great, we had a lot of fun, but Amy saw a group picture of us one of my friends posted and got upset that she wasn’t invited and my mom and Dan are really mad at me for excluding her.
They said that she has a hard time with social stuff and now that we’re family I should want to help her out, but my friends hate her and I don’t like spending time with her either. I get that she’s lonely and has a hard time, but I don’t think I should have to blow up my social life just because she can’t be normal.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You aren't her parent. You are not responsible for her. You should not be treated like her "emotional support animal." If you can stay full time at your father's, do it. Check laws in your area. Learn to gray rock.
This! Most states allow minors over 16 to choose which parent they want to stay with, regardless of the original custody agreement. It’s going to hurt mom’s feelings big time, but she’s the one responsible for how she handles her feelings. Sounds like being at dad’s is better for your mental health.
You're a year away from 18, maybe it is time to revisit living with dad. Tell your mom her marriage does not make you instant family. You do not mind Tye but Amy is not your cup of tea and you do not feel like having more than a cordial relationship with her.
Also you are not her parent and it is not your job to teach her social norms, nor should you have to stunt your social life to appease her. Tell you mom if she does not drop it you will ask dad to fight for custody.
I feel a bit sorry for Amy... but her social life is not your responsibility. Your mom is too demanding, plain and simple. You need to lay down firmer boundaries. Tell her, if she doesn't back off, you're going to stop spending time at her place at all.
You're old enough to make that decision, and you'll be an adult before long. What your mom is doing is not going to make your friends like her, and it might make them resent you, or at least make them want to be around you less.
Lots of cities have meet ups for special needs/autistic kids, that are in safe environments with fun activities. She can meet other kids that understand her struggles and hopefully make real connections with other kids her age. You mom and step-dad need to look into that for Amy. She's not going to make real friends by being forced into anyone's friend group.
NTA, you might want to explain to your mom that her trying to force you to be friends with Amy is going to damage your relationship with her. Next year you can move in with your dad, get your own place, go to college, whatever you end up doing you won’t need to stay with your mom.
I feel sorry for Amy, but you are not her therapist, trainer, counselor, or emotional support animal. There is actually behavior therapies that could help her - why they haven't done that before, I do not know. You may want to find an autism subreddit here to ask for advice on what you should suggest for Amy.
Your mum and stepfather need to look at getting her involved with other groups she might like. It shouldn't be up to you to engage with her and be a part of your friends. Maybe suggest they look at what she likes to do and enrol her in something. That might help her make some friends of her own and enjoy something she likes.
Beautiful-Risk8765 (OP)
Dan made her sign up for some clubs because it would be good for college applications when she started high school. She got kicked out of art club in spring because she kept “fixing” other people’s drawings and got into a fight with one girl about it. I don’t know why she quit the other stuff, but she got roasted pretty good by some people after the whole art thing so maybe she’s still embarrassed.
Idk, like I think Dan tries but she keeps driving people away with the chaos goblin energy. Tye has his little nerd friends and even he didn’t want her to play D&D with them when I offered to run a few sessions.
It is her dad’s, and to some extent your mom’s, responsibility to help Amy. They need to contact her school and ask if there are other kids her age who also have special needs. They can try to contact the parents of those children and if that isn’t an option they need to look for groups that are for parents of autistic children so they can seek out kids for Amy to meet and get to know.
It’s unrealistic to think a teenager, 2 years older, and her friends are going to want to hang out with a girl who is younger with special needs. It’s not your responsibility and it’s not fair. Tell your mom and stepdad to step up and take care of Amy, or you’ll quit coming over so often.