'AITA for avoiding going out with my sister because every guy I talk to ends up attracted to her?' UPDATED

"AITA for avoiding going out with my sister because every guy i talk to ends up attracted to her?"

I (23F) have a younger sister (20F) who is incredibly beautiful like, the kind of beauty people comment on instantly. I’ve always considered myself decent-looking, but when we’re together, it’s like I disappear. The issue is that every time I’m getting to know a guy (whether we’re flirting, dating, or even just hanging out) the moment he meets my sister, his attention shifts to her.

Some even start obviously flirting with her, right in front of me. It’s painful, and it’s happening so consistently that I’ve started avoiding situations where she and guys I know might be in the same room. My sister isn’t doing this on purpose. I love her to death and she’s not malicious at all. But she’s naturally very extroverted, warm, and open.

She’s the kind of person who will walk into a room and start a conversation with anyone. That’s just who she is, she doesn’t mean to flirt, but it can come off that way. I'm more ambiverted, so next to her, I probably seem way quieter and less engaging, which might make the contrast even more noticeable. Now she’s picked up on me distancing myself.

She’s asked why I don’t invite her out anymore or why I avoid introducing her to people I know, and I feel like a terrible sister for not telling her the truth. But I also don’t know how to keep putting myself in situations where I feel second-best or invisible. So…AITA for choosing to keep some space between us in social settings, just to protect my self-esteem?

Edit for clarity: She doesn’t flirt on purpose. Her personality is naturally outgoing and charismatic, and guys seem to interpret that as interest, even though that’s not her intention. She never encourages them or tries to “steal” anyone. This is more about how I feel than anything she’s doing.

Edit to clarify 2: A few people have pointed out an older post on this account that says the OP is 24, while this post says 23. I totally understand the skepticism, but just to be transparent-this isn't my account. I'm actually using my best friend's account with her permission because she encouraged me to post about this situation and get outside perspectives.

We've talked a lot about it, and she thought hearing from others might help me work through it in a healthier way. I didn't mean to cause confusion just trying to get some genuine advice on something that's been hard to navigate emotionally.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

I actually don't think this is a bad thing, she's just naturally clearing out the guys that aren't meant for you. Beauty is a big thing for guys, but when you find that guy that values more than just beauty or prefers your beauty over her's, then hes probably the guy for you.

OP responded:

Yep you are totally right. And I guess I should thank her for that. 🥹 I think hearing the verbal and nonverbal comparisons guys make between us just took a toll on me. I am a med student so i meet very few new people. So hearing things like that from some guy that stated just a few days ago that he likes me made me spiral a bit too much😅

Notyohunbabe wrote:

NTA. But like you said it’s not your sister’s fault. Honestly?? It might be a good thing that she is helping to weed out jerks for you. Because any guy that can turn his head away from you easily enough in the getting to know you phase, is not worth your time. If a guy wants to get to know you, and is serious about getting to know you, his attention will be on you, regardless of who else is around and socializing.

OP responded:

Thank you for your comment. I think part of why this situation with my sister hits me so hard is because I already have a history of being in relationships where my boyfriends would find other women attractive and kind of gaslight me into thinking it was normal like, "It’s just a crush, everyone has them, I’m not physically cheating, so what’s the big deal?" That type of thing.

Over time, it made me feel like I was supposed to accept that even when I’m in a relationship, the guy will always have his head turned if someone more attractive walks by and I guess this dynamic with my sister just brings up that same fear all over again.

That it’s somehow normal for a guy I’m involved with to show interest the moment someone prettier or newer enters the room. It’s honestly exhausting, and it messes with how safe I feel in romantic situations.

which-yam1986 wrote:

NTA, it's normal that you're protecting yourself, but you should probably tell her honestly why.

OP responded:

I will try to talk to her and update. Ty very much🫶🏻

believingreceiving wrote:

My sis was (and still is) like this — model beautiful, warm, incredibly attractive (but she’s older than I). I also used to bask in her glow. Really admired her energy! She was so magnetic when we were younger that waiters would literally forget to take my order when we were at restaurants together. I never realized that I was also attractive.

It wasn’t until I went away to college and really not until grad school that I felt beautiful and started getting more attention, even when around her. I do think that was because I’d started FEELING more confident. But I remember one guy I really liked was at an event and I’d brought my sister. When she spoke, the whole room seemed enraptured (she didn’t say anything at all profound…lol).

The guy came up to me after and I was like…oh, my sister is visiting…and I pointed her out to him as she was standing about 6ft away talking to other people. I was prepared for the usual hypnotized daze that would take over people’s faces when I intro’d my sis (eyeroll).

But the guy looked back at her for 3 seconds, completely unphased, then turned back to me and the biggest, yummiest delighted smile returned to his face.

It was ME, not her that had him enraptured! (That guy was such a dear person.) I say all that to say, OP, you just need to find your people. NTAH but use your space from your sister to increase your confidence so you can feel solid when you’re around her. The right people will be drawn to you and not distracted by your sister’s looks.

OP responded:

You don’t know how much this meant to me! Thank you for sharing ur story! I think you are the first person that related to this. I’m sending u a virtual hug since ik the pain and heartshrinkinking feelings u must have endured 🫂 I am also happy to hear that u experienced the spotlight you deserve!

I am pretty confident and outgoing but the problem is that this all goes away when I see the difference between how ppl look and me vs her. Again not jealous but just a bit empty inside when it happens.Hopefully I will soon find my person and most importantly my confidence even when we are side by side 🥹🫶🏻

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hi again! First of all, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read, comment, and offer thoughtful advice. I genuinely appreciate your patience,it's taken me a little while to post this update because I wanted to wait until things had settled and I could speak from a clear, honest place (and also because I was waiting for the right moment to have a deeper conversation with my sister).

The biggest shift? My perspective. And this is all thanks to you and i will be forever grateful for that. What used to feel like a curse has actually become a weird little blessing. I realized my sister isn't "stealing" guys from me-she's filtering out the ones who weren't really interested in me to begin with.

If someone meets me, then gets distracted the moment she walks in, that says more about them than it does about either of us. And honestly? I'm kind of glad they reveal themselves early. So now, instead of avoiding going out with her, I've started leaning in.

I actually want her around more, because I know that if a guy can't handle being around someone beautiful and outgoing without completely losing focus, he's not someone I need in my life anyway. It's like she's my human dating litmus test-and she's great at her job. I also talked to her, finally. I explained why I'd been a bit distant, and made sure she knew it wasn't her fault.

She was super understanding and kind, which honestly just made me feel worse for having held it in for so long. But here's the curveball: during our chat, she casually suggested I get lip filler to help with my confidence. Now, to be clear, I never mentioned feeling physically insecure. So I was a little caught off guard. But I don't think she meant it in a shady way.

She has filler herself and probably meant it as a "this helped me, maybe it'll help you" kind of thing. Still not sure how I feel about that suggestion...but hey, at least we're in a place now where we can be open with each other again. Also, I just want to address something that came up a lot in the comments: quite a few people asked me to post pictures. That honestly made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

This post was never about trying to prove something, or fish for compliments, or invite comparisons between me and my sister. I wasn't trying to say "I think I'm ugly, please validate me" or "look how much prettier she is. It was about a feeling-an emotional experience I was trying to work through and grow from-not a request to be judged visually.

The core of this was always about how I felt, not how I look. And I'm really grateful that so many people helped me see that I don't have to keep carrying that feeling around. Anyway, thank you again for the support and insight. It really helped me get out of my head and shift the way I was viewing things. And most importantly, my sister and I are good again. Things feel normal🫶🏻

The internet did not hold back.

Future_Directions5174 wrote:

I know exactly how you feel. I am a reasonable attractive, girl next door, dirty blonde with blue eyes, average height, but have larger breasts than my sister. Other than the breasts, my sister beats me in the looks department.

She has curly dark brown hair, green eyes, is slightly taller, tanned skin - she was made to play Jasmine or Carmen with her flashing green gypsy eyes. She is also only 22 months younger than me so we were often hanging out in similar places.

She could pull any man she met just by being nice and friendly with him - they never looked at me when I was with her. Then one day she lost her sh*t with me because one of her male friends had said “doesn’t your sister have big tits?”…

Hey look, you got the glamorous genes, all I got were the tits… I’m not going to hide them because one of your hangers on noticed them. And yes I know some people see “gypsy” as an offensive term but we ARE part Romany and that is how we refer to ourselves in our family.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for sharing this, I really relate. That feeling of being "pretty, but not that pretty" next to a sister who effortlessly pulls attention? It's tough. But honestly, from the way you described yourself, you sound absolutely breathtaking in your own right-and confident, which is even better!!🫂🤍

Kittypupermamaperson wrote:

I’m so proud of you for not posting pics of yourself for validation. You don’t need that s#$t from anyone but yourself. If YOU WANT TO get lip fillers, do it, IF NOT DON’T. Live your life for you, be kind, make decisions that you can be proud of, be unapologetically yourself because that girl is awesome.

ocean_lei wrote:

TBH. You would be giving up a pretty good screening tool. And now I see your update, bravo! I had a bit of the same and honestly, I love my sister but we are SO different. Date talked about how pretty she was all night? Out the door (she spent about 3 hours more than I ever would doing makeup, so those guys were obs not for me). Enjoy that filter.

lilnrancia wrote:

Please don't get lip fillers if you don't want to. If you still feel some type of way about the comment in a few days I would definitely bring it up to her. Tbh it was kinda weird of her to suggest that.