"AITA for backing out as the wedding band on short notice, causing problems for my brother and future SIL?"

My brother Max is 32, I am 22m, and have a different mom so Max and I weren't always close. But we're close through music which helped us bond a little more after our granddad's unfortunate death. Max used to play in a band but hasn't for the last 5 years because of his job hours. He taught me a lot about guitar and singing.

Max is getting married to Joan 29f. They're keeping their wedding small. Joan's dad is ill and Joan has been very involved in the wedding details so as to assure her dad's health and safety. Since money needs to be saved, Max asked if I knew enough people to form a band to perform the important songs at the reception.

I happened to be starting a band with my boyfriend and friends, so I told him that Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts will be playing his wedding! So long as it didn't affect my wedding party duties, it wouldn't be a problem.

Except Joan's obsession with the knitty gritty wedding details has driven us up the wall. She's demanded that the band wear matching suits (Max is paying for them) and has even said that we have to go by a more "wedding appropriate" band name which makes me wanna puke: Sgt Lover's Sweet Hearts. I'd say she's gone full bridezilla.

Per her request, we recorded ourselves performing the songs for the wedding. We've been practicing a lot and were proud of our performance, but she emailed back after watching the entire thing and eviscerated every little detail. From how my notes were slightly flat at times, our instruments don't match, the drums were too loud and just so. Much. Crap. That we can't control.

I admit that I lost my temper, called her a spoiled bridezilla so obsessed with her perfect white wedding day that she tore apart our REHEARSAL RECORDED JUST FOR HER because it wasn't perfect enough! And her demands are insane, she said she wants us to email her a new video every week until we get better. I told her that she is making impossible demands of us so we were backing out.

She immediately called me up to screech at me for ruining it and how could I do this when she's under enough stress because of her dad. I told her to be more reasonable and until then my band won't be doing it. Then she said that I'm uninvited, hung up and blocked me.

I called Max as soon as I got off the phone with her and told him what she did. He assured me that he was not going to let her kick me out of the wedding and he would talk to her as soon as he got home. Joan got her bridesmaids to harass me for putting her through undue stress.

The wedding is in June and they act as if there isn't any time left to find another wedding band. Max is trying very hard to calm down the situation but Joan doesn't want to talk to him right now because he defended me against his future wife, which is an unforgivable sin. I'm willing to agree to play again if she apologizes, but that doesn't seem likely. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

bigbuttfcker said:

NTA. Tell her, "You have over-reaching concerns about the my band's name, appearance, and music. I see no reason for you to let us play at your wedding. I'm sure you'll find a band that better meets all of your requirements."

Jonny-Pasadena said:

"she wants us to email her a new video every week until we get better" -- oh, no. No, no, no. NO. She owes you an apology. I'm glad that your brother is being a lot more reasonable; I'm sorry her father is ill, but that sounds like it's her blanket excuse to act like a monster. Also, 'Sergeant Lover's Sweet Hearts' blows as a band name. NTA.

0biterdicta said:

NTA. Hopefully this will be a wake up call to Max that he may also want to choose not to attend the wedding.

OP responded:

I hope she gets the wakeup call! Joan is a little odd but this is new behavior and I think Max just needs to get through to her.

TufferFluffer said:

NTA. It's understandable that she's stressed with all that's going on, but that doesn't make it okay to treat you (or others in general) like absolute sh*t. She's acting very entitled considering you and your band are performing as (most likely) an unpaid favor. Good luck with the situation, I hope it doesn't cause friction between you and your brother.

OP responded:

A mostly unpaid favor indeed. I think the stress is really getting to her, so hopefully Max can reason with her when she's in a better mind frame. Also Max doesn't seem to want to throw me under the bus which is a plus.

And that_was_way_harsh said:

NTA. Do not under any circumstances get talked back into playing the wedding.

OP recently shared this update on the situation:

I'm really happy with how things resolved so here we are. A few days after the fight, Joan and Max called me on speakerphone and Joan 100% owned up to her actions and apologized, especially for basically siccing her bridesmaids on me. They invited me to dinner at their place tonight, and I accepted.

Joan and Max both sat down with me to elaborate on why they invited me. Joan was a little emotional, she was under stress and as a result hadn't properly slept in quite a while. When she and Max began talking about the incident after it happened, it resulted in their discovering that Joan is pregnant.

This helped put things in perspective, and now I'm happy to report that my band is playing the wedding again. Joan also put in her notice at work since that caused her significant stress, and the difference in her is practically night and day. Needless to say I'm very happy and I can't wait to be an uncle. This had such a happy ending that I couldn't help but share it! :D