'WIBTA for backing out of my friend's wedding after finding out she's already married?'

"Would I be the @$$hole for backing out of my friends wedding?"

I (23F) am friends with Brittany (22F) who is getting married in a few months. Here’s the backstory… Brittany and I have been friends since elementary school. I got into a terrible toxic relationship in high school, and she didn’t agree with me being in the relationship so ended up not being friends with me anymore. I reached out a few times, she didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Well I finally got out of that relationship a couple years later and she texted me asking if we wanted to be friends again. I agreed and the rest is history. She was engaged in a terrible relationship when she reached out to become my friend again, and I knew she was in a terrible relationship but I never left her side. Well they ended up breaking up and about 6 months later she met a new guy.

Great! I was super happy for her. They ended up getting engaged 5 months into dating and she moved to another state. She never even told me they got engaged. She sent me a blurred Snapchat with her hand in her lap with a ring on. I had to ask “Is that a ring???” And she responded “oh yeah we’re engaged” like it didn’t mean anything?

About 2 months after being engaged she asked if I still wanted to be one of her braids maid (since she asked me to be one in her last engagement) and I agreed. So we were having a conversation about the wedding and she ACCIDENTALLY told me that they have actually been married since January (2 weeks after being engaged). She never once mentioned it to me, just like the engagement.

After all the conversations we’ve had about her wedding and everything, she NEVER once mentioned that they were already married. I feel like if I am one of your best friends enough to stand beside you on your wedding day, you couldn’t even tell me you got engaged or already married?

She said they haven’t been telling anyone that they are married already and that it was for “insurance purposes” because she moved to another state and didn’t know anyone and doesn’t have a job. So that if they broke up, she would get something out of it. That was mind boggling as it was.

Honestly we don’t really talk that often unless it’s about the wedding, and I’ve felt like a filler as a bridesmaid since she’s asked me. I feel like she only asked me because she had asked me in the previous engagement. So here’s my question.

I really don’t want to be in this wedding if she couldn’t even tell me one of the biggest 2 moments that happens in your life. Would I be the asshole for backing out?

How would you tell someone you don’t want to be in their wedding anymore?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

NeverRarelySometimes said:

Her actual marriage date wasn't one of the biggest moments of her life. She married to get insurance. It might have been better if she got a job at Starbuck's, but it was just a transaction for her.

If you don't want to be in her wedding, don't, but don't get hung up on little crap like spotting her ring before she told you she was engaged. You don't need an excuse. Just tell her that your friendship has waned, and that you wish her well, but don't want to be in her bridal party. And for goodness' sake, don't tell anyone about her wedding. It's no one else's business, until she chooses to tell them.

OP responded:

The “insurance” isn’t like health insurance. It’s so incase he breaks up with her, she gets half of what he owns because she moved to another state for him.

I feel that getting engaged is a HUGE thing and I know how she is and it was a huge thing for her… so why couldn’t she tell me?

EntertainmentSad4422 said:

She might be really insecure about people’s reaction to her quickie marriage. She might not feel so sure about it either, or overjoyed. Maybe there was some disappointment with the engagement and obtaining the marriage license. Maybe she doesn’t know how to talk about it because it’s just not making sense to her or she’s worried people will think negatively about her.

I think you’re really personalizing this when it shouldn’t be, you should be concerned a bit about her and her behaviour if she normally tells you everything. Maybe he’s alienating her from her friends and family? We don’t know. Always keeps an eye on your friends when their behaviour changes dramatically

maptechlady said:

It's actually not that abnormal for people to do it that way - they need insurance, or they can't afford a big wedding, etc so they go out and sign the papers and then just take their time with the wedding. Nothing wrong with it. There are a variety of scenarios why people would just legally get married and then have a wedding later.

If you're not feeling being in the wedding - just tell her. Relationships sometimes change, so it could be that you're just not as close anymore and that happens. It's totally valid to not want to be in a wedding if you're not as close with the person anymore.

But, tbh, I think you're being a little judgmental. It's not really anyone else's business if her and her fiancé/husband decide to do it that way. So if that's the main reason, I think you should just step out.

OP responded:

When she said insurance purposes it wasn’t for health insurance. She said it as since she moved her life to another state, if he decided to break up with her, she’d get half of everything he owns. That’s her “insurance policy”. I guess I am being judgmental about it because I just feel that’s not why would should be getting married.

I understand I’m probably in the wrong for feeling that way or being judgmental. I feel like I still might hold some resentment from years ago when she said she didn’t want to be my friend when I was in that toxic relationship.

krisleighash said:

Kinda sounds like you are in a weird toxic relationship with this friend. You are not obligated to stay friends with her due to history. Kind of sounds like she doesn’t value you the way you value her.

OP responded:

If I were to get engaged today, she would be one of the first people I’d FaceTime to tell. I thought that’s something you do with your friends? Announce such an amazing thing to them. Honestly, I think she knows she’s rushed this whole situation, and that’s why she didn’t want to tell me about it.

Rude-Engineering2444 said:

NTA. If she couldn’t be honest with you about her engagement or marriage, it’s totally fair to step back. Being a bridesmaid isn’t just a formality it should mean something.

And OP responded:

That’s how I feel. She would’ve never told me they’ve been married for the last 6 months if she didn’t accidentally tell me.

krisleighash said:

Kinda sounds like you are in a weird toxic relationship with this friend. You are not obligated to stay friends with her due to history. Kind of sounds like she doesn’t value you the way you value her.

And OP responded:

If I were to get engaged today, she would be one of the first people I’d FaceTime to tell. I thought that’s something you do with your friends? Announce such an amazing thing to them. Honestly, I think she knows she’s rushed this whole situation, and that’s why she didn’t want to tell me about it.