'AITA for telling my daughter she can’t bring her boyfriend to Thanksgiving?'

"AITA for telling my daughter she can’t bring her boyfriend to Thanksgiving?"

I (49F) have two kids, Mia (22F) and Ben (19M). Mia has been dating her boyfriend, Jake (23M), for about a year. I’ve met Jake a few times, and while he’s polite on the surface, I find him a bit... abrasive. Jake is vegan and extremely vocal about his food choices.

At nearly every family gathering, he’s made pointed comments about our meals, questioning why we eat meat or buy non-organic produce. At first, I brushed it off as youthful enthusiasm, but over time, it’s started to grate on me.

The last time Jake came over for dinner, I made a pasta dish with a side of salad to accommodate his dietary preferences. Despite this effort, he still managed to criticize the meal, asking why I didn’t use “real” Parmesan cheese (since authentic Parmesan isn’t vegan).

When I offered him dessert, an apple pie I baked from scratch he declined and said he doesn’t eat sugar because it’s “toxic.” He didn’t just decline, though he launched into a five-minute lecture about how processed foods are ruining society. The rest of the family was visibly uncomfortable, and I had to steer the conversation away to keep the peace.

Thanksgiving is a huge deal in our family. We host it every year, and I spend weeks planning the menu. It’s all the traditional stuff: turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie. I take a lot of pride in the meal, and I love how it brings everyone together. This year, we’re hosting about 15 people, including my parents, my sister’s family, and a few close friends.

A couple of weeks ago, Mia asked if Jake could come. I hesitated, remembering his previous behavior. I told her I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. She promised he’d be on his best behavior and wouldn’t make any comments about the food. I still felt uneasy. I know she loves him, but I don’t think she fully grasps how uncomfortable his attitude has made the rest of us.

After thinking about it for a few days, I told her no. I explained that Thanksgiving is stressful enough without worrying about Jake criticizing the meal or making anyone feel judged. I said I wanted this day to be about family, tradition, and enjoyment, not navigating dietary debates or awkward tension.

Mia was furious. She accused me of being unfair and disrespectful, saying that Jake is an important part of her life and should be treated as such. She argued that I’m making assumptions about his behavior without giving him a chance to prove he can behave.

I tried to explain that it’s not personal I just want to avoid conflict. But Mia wouldn’t hear it. She said I was being rigid and controlling, and now she’s threatening not to come at all if Jake isn’t welcome.

Ben (19M), my son, thinks I’m overreacting and that I should just let Jake come. My husband is caught in the middle. He understands my frustration with Jake but thinks banning him outright might’ve been too harsh.

Now, I’m second-guessing myself. I don’t dislike Jake as a person, but his behavior puts me in a difficult position. I don’t want to ruin Thanksgiving, but I also don’t think it’s fair to prioritize Jake’s feelings over the comfort of the rest of the family. Mia thinks I’m being unreasonable, Ben thinks I’m being too strict, and my husband just wants everyone to get along.

At this point, I’m starting to wonder if I’m being inflexible or if I have a right to set boundaries in my own home. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Agreeable-Inside-632 suggested tit-for-tat:

Let him come. When he’s brutally honest, you be brutally honest in return. Tell him how rude he is, tell him he doesn’t have to come, tell him how uncomfortable he makes people with his sanctimonious lecturing. Tell him how he’s ruined every meal you’ve invited him to and how his behaviour is appalling. We’re all being honest and unfiltered now!

Sputflock thinks setting clear boundaries is the way to go:

or let him come, but warn them that 1 word out of line, 1 rude remark, 1 snide comment, and he's out of the house, no apologies no second chances. then watch him either f*&^ up within minutes or slowly die on the inside the whole evening.

Gracelandrocks wants OP to talk past him:

If Jake is rude, OP should turn to her daughter and say "Mia please manage your guest. His manners are not acceptable."

bluetopaz83 adds specifics on how to handle Jake:

Agree - honest face to face discussion before Thanksgiving setting hard boundaries. Jake, we like you, but your opinions on our food choices in our home are disrespectful/ upsetting and we won’t allow it anymore. You are allowed to make your own food choices BUT it’s NOT okay for you to impose them on others.

You are very important to our daughter and therefore to us as well. We want you to come and feel included but we need a hard and fast rule that you will not give any lectures or negative comments on the food. Otherwise you will be asked to leave immediately and you won’t be invited again. Write it down, get him to sign it. Enforce it.

Wild_Stage5977 suggests a simple answer:

He can also bring his own food, cooked how he likes it!!!

APFernweh wants to diminish him with seating:

Seat him at the kid’s table, where he deserves.

justcougit says he'd be out at his house:

None of this sounds like a nice f*&^%$ holiday at all lmfao nah. If you insult me and food I specifically made for you in my home, you're not coming back to eat. They can bond over bowling.

Not-a-Cranky-Panda comes in with a funny "update":

Your home, your guest, your rules, his sandwich in his car.

UPDATE : Sorry I was not thinking.....

Your home, your guest, your rules, his sandwich on his pushbike.

Marine_olive76 makes it the daughter's responsibility:

Mia is complaining in the behalf for Jake? She can cook then! Ben thinks that you're overreacting? Good! He can help his sister! Full cooking and cleaning! Those who do not cook have no say in the kitchen. Shove whatever you have in hand to their behind if they complain one single bit.

Edit: also, NTA. I hate people who complains about food, especially when they don't even do the cooking.