'AITA for banning my brother and SIL from my wedding?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for banning my brother and SIL from my wedding?"

My fiancé (29m) and I (23f) started planning our wedding. We sent out all the save-the-date cards. We made the decision for not inviting my brother and SIL because we weren't invited to their wedding (long story maybe I'll do that one in a while).

My SIL heard that everyone got a save the date card except for them. She asked if their was still in the mail and I explained that they won't be receiving any invitation of any kind. She got mad and called my mom. My mom called me and said she understands but asked me if I could invite them just so there's no drama...my fiancé and I said we stand by our decision for not inviting them.

Now my parents aren't sure they will come because "I can be a little more understanding and just invite them" and I "shouldn't be such a bridezilla." Am I the ahole for not inviting them even when they didn't invite me to their wedding?

NOTE: I come from a big family...my parents have 7 children. When we were little some stuff happened (my brother did things) I don't feel very comfortable to elaborate but some things were bad to say the least...When I finally came forward with everything that happened no one believed me because I had "no physical proof."

I went through years of therapy to process all that happened and the disbelief I got from my parents. My brother married his wife this summer. First I didn't get an invite at all but didn't think much of it. I kindly asked why I was the only one who wasn't invited out of my whole family.

I got a blunt answer "we thought you wouldn't want to come because people would talk.." I was fine with not being invited though. I said well that's fine. A few weeks later I got a message from my SIL saying that I could come to the ceremony but not to the reception (I went to neither of course). About a month after their wedding I got an invitation to attend a birthday party from one of their kids.

Maybe I was petty for not coming but in my mind it was like: I'm always pretty generous about gifts especially for kids (I have 3 of my own but spoil all kids in the family) so they just want me there for the gifts you know? Also I had something like: I'm not something you can make a part of your life when you want to and throw me out when you feel like it.

So that's so what the backstory...Another edit: people asked why my parents didn't advocate more for me when they didn't invite me...Well, long story short. The fact that they don't believe what happened with my brother is big part of why they didn't advocate more. He said they didn't want me to cause a scene and they didn't want me drunk and tell lies to all of their family and friends.

(I don't even drink alcohol) my parents weren't the sweetest, kindest persons to me (never were) they made fun of me almost my entire life, shamed me, blamed me for a lot of things and told me multiple times I was crazy for thinking they would ever believe my brother could do such things.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ComprehensivePut5569 said:

Did your parents tell your brother and SIL that they should be more understanding and demand you be invited to brother’s wedding? Probably not. Just tell your parents that it’s unfortunate that they won’t be there and that you’ll send their invitations to people who are more supportive of you.

Sailing_Away123 said:

Absolutely not! NTA. Why didn’t your parents not attend your brother’s wedding when he didn’t invite you and your fiancé? I bet brother is the golden child/favorite. If your parents choose that route, that’s on them. Tell them okay don’t come, but don’t expect us to see you anytime soon.

Be prepared that your parents indeed will not come to your wedding. I’d ask someone else to walk you down the aisle (if that’s what you want for your wedding). My friend’s had his dad walked his fiancée down the aisle because her family decided not to show up (they couldn’t be bothered to travel for the wedding - even when my friend offered to pay for their flights).

So they said “ok, don’t come that’s fine.” Her parents were “so sad” because photos of my friend’s dad walking their daughter down the aisle were posted all over the family’s social media. Their own son had written something like “don’t worry when your family doesn’t show up, your fiancé’s dad will take up the slack and show you all the love you’ve been missing out on you’re whole life.”

(Her brother has mobility issues from combat injuries and didn’t think he was physically able to make it down the aisle with her, but they had an adorable dance together where she sat on his lap in his wheelchair and he spun them around the dance floor - the photos were so well done).

YourTornAlive said:

NTA. Consider rescinding your parents' invitation and not allowing people complicit in your abuse to cloud the day. Obviously they can't handle a scenario in which your brother isn't the center of attention, and you don't want them to get drunk and cause a scene.

Zealousideal_Exam_12 said:

NTA, why invite others when you weren't invited. Buuuuut definitely need that backstory.

Ok_Routine9099 said:

NTA. Do yourself a favor. Keep yourself and your children away from your brother and anyone who enables him. Seriously, use your wedding as a fresh start to surround yourself with people who respect you and build you up.

NoGritsNoGlory said:

NTA. People are so entitled. Why this woman thinks she should be invited to a wedding of a family member when she didn’t extend an invitation to that family member to her own wedding is beyond me.

The first time my parents threatened me with not coming I would’ve looked at them and said see ya. I’m like you, I’m not part of your life at certain times. I’m either part of it or I’m not. You did good!

FIRST UPDATE:

I just got off the phone with my mom and thought let me share the conversation. She asked if I was sure about not inviting my brother and his wife and I stood my ground, thanks to you guys! I said: "I don't want negative energy in my special day and I don't want abusers at my wedding, it's as simple as that."

My mom was very understanding but I heard my dad in the background saying something like: "she's doing it again, she's trying to make everything about her and getting all the attention with her lies."

I told my mom that she and my siblings (except my brother) are welcome at my wedding but that I don't want my dad there too. I didn't have a great bond with my dad, for almost my whole life and I always tried to ignore the comments, insults, etc. but I am tired of pretending and tired of being the scapegoat.

Cutting off contact with my brother is easy. I actually haven't spoken to him for a while. Going NC with my parents is a lot harder. They're really great grandparents and except for the comments, insults and disbelief in what I went through...

They supported me and gave me a roof over my head when I had my twins and ran away from their biological father. Also I'm always scared that when I visit them, my brother would show up.

I was thinking last night and I will go LC with them and only invite them to places I feel safe and where I don't need to worry they'll ambush me with my brothers presence. My mom needs time to process everything, or so she said. Her invitation is still open but without my dad.

SECOND UPDATE:

First of all, a big thank you to all of you! You guys made me feel like I am not alone in this Some of you may be happy to hear that I took it a little further... I spoke to my parents and decided that it's best for my own family to go no contact for a while.

I WILL HAVE A GREAT WEDDING DAY! All my girlfriends will be there, my grandma, Mil, SIL (not from the original post of course), FIL, and a few of my sisters of course I dreamed of having my parents at my wedding but I'm sure I'm gonna have a wonderful day!

I honestly can't deal with all the drama, disbelief and mocking anymore...My MIL is so excited and is helping us plan the whole thing! I must say a big shout out to my MIL. She's the best mom I could ever wished for.

THIRD UPDATE:

I am writing this one with teary eyes so don't judge when I make spelling errors. Our wedding is postponed. Due to my health...we wanted a big magical wedding, my health just can't let us make that dream come true right now.

We're looking into other options now (smaller wedding, wheelchair accessible places...) My MIL is taking a lot of our plate still and making sure we are taken good care of. She's literally our rescue angel. We're moving in December, a bit more towards MIL and a bit more away from my family.

(I still wanted to be close for my little sisters because they mean a lot for me, they're like my own children! And I want to be there every step of their life). Postponing doesn't mean cancelling though. I still have barely contact with my father. My mom and I are talking but it's never gonna be what it used to be. I told her I was fed up with all they did, all they didn't do, etc etc...

Mom is trying her best to be an awesome grandma to the kids and I actually start to like that sort of "bond" we have. She profusely apologized for everything that happened and is starting to listen to me and my soon to be husband. I'll let you know when we're finally getting married!