"AITA for banning my husband from Thanksgiving dinner?"
I (33f) and my husband (42m) have been together for 10 years, married for almost 4 and have loved together for 8. We usually spend Thanksgiving with my parents (who live down the road) and Christmas with his mom (who lives 3 hours away)
In the past he had a very demanding job, worked 50+hours a week and was on call at all times. Meanwhile, I work an office job, set schedule and holidays off. I learned to cook Thanksgiving dinner for us all and always did the shopping.
This year however, my husband quit his demanding job a few months ago that was causing a lot of mental heath issues and found a new job in the same field that he loves. It’s lower pay and part time, but he makes up for it financially with his eBay account which he makes a decent amount off of.
I’ve been thinking about Thanksgiving but hadn’t been able to get to the store like I usually do every year because on top of my job I’m taking college classes this semester trying to start on my bachelors degree.
Plus last week I came down sick with a sinus infection and was out from Monday night through Sunday. I’m still feeling stuffy and congested, but I’ve been going to work and wearing a mask.
I asked my husband yesterday to please go to the store and get something, anything for Thanksgiving. I worked until 8 and when I got home, he was playing video games and said he forgot.
But he showed me he went to the little Italian grocers next door for lunch to get a sub, and picked up Cranberry Sauce. He could have gotten the other items for thanksgiving right there, but “it was too crowded” so after he got his sub he left.
I know how long that cue takes to get your sub. While he was waiting for his number to be called, he could have easily walked around and picked up the other items.
So today, he has a half day at work, so I asked him this morning if he could please go to the store once he gets off to get what we need for Thanksgiving and he snapped at me.
Saying that this wasn’t all his fault, and we both forgot and he doesn’t like how I’m telling him “you need to do this and you need to do that” (which I didn’t, I asked politely) and now he doesn’t even want to do Thanksgiving because of all the pressure he feels.
So I’m going to call my parents, ask them to go to the store and pick up what they can for a small thanksgiving, and spend it with them. He doesn’t want to do thanksgiving, fine, but my parents will not be left in the lurch because of his attitude. So, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, you‘re not even banning him as your title suggests since he said he doesn’t want to do Thanksgiving. I have to wonder, though: Where is the partnership in your marriage? I think it goes without saying that the spouse who has more time and is not still recovering from an illness would be the one to step in and do the grocery shopping for an upcoming holiday.
(1) I recognize the weaponized incompetence, but there's much deeper problem right now with this marriage. What is actually wrong with husband? (2) I recognize this low self esteem, depression, spiral from a mile away.
(3) blaming the high stress job for the mental health issues, when the actual mental health issue remains unaddressed (4) then going to a lower paying "part time job" (read: being a bum and occasionally working in between doomscrolling or video game sessions)
(5) bored with zero structure, so it's appealing to go out to buy a sub instead of just eating at home, while NOT wanting to do any shopping for your wife (6) no way that ebay nonsense comes close to covering the salary differential, so its lie Husband is telling, or a lie OP is telling herself.
Dude is aimless and checked out and doesn't have purpose or structure or accountability, and is likely depressed or midlife crisis. OP remains busy doing her job and working on a college degree, her life is FINE... but seems a bit oblivious to how badly the husband is foundering.
She presents this like this battle is about Thanksgiving dinner, when they are clearly hostile, he needs therapy and she is kind of fed up with his needy, lazy self.
It’s called “weaponized incompetence” and “male entitlement.” And you gotta ask yourself if you want to keep living with this.
NTA. If he doesn’t want to do Thanksgiving, that’s fine. He doesn’t have to. But he doesn’t get to demand that you also not do Thanksgiving. He doesn’t get to make that choice for you. He also doesn’t get to feel entitled to the product of other people’s work (the shopping and food prep) after refusing to contribute.
NTA and if this is typical, why are you still married to this lazy unhelpful person?! The rule, the absolute law is: if a relationship is not (mutually and EQUALLY) making your lives better, then you need to get out of it.
You are certainly making his life better by doing all the housework.he never lifts a finger. He needs to do HALF a because he is an adult who lives there too. When will women learn this?
You aren’t his house maid. You are two adults both equally eating (so both should be equally shopping cooking and cleaning up from eating). Enjoy TG by yourself without the extra 200 pounds of fat! And get thee to a lawyer.