'AITA for banning my mom from the delivery room after she put my unborn baby at risk?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my mother she is not welcome at the hospital for the birth of my son?"

A bit of important back story here: I (33f) had a son 6 years ago. My mother was in the delivery room with me and my husband, and was a very loving and helpful presence through a difficult labour. Our son was eventually diagnosed with Severe Combined Immunodeficiency, meaning he had no functional immune system.

He spent 2.5 years in hospital isolation fighting off dozens of infections, undergoing a bone marrow transplant and many other highly invasive treatments. I have PTSD from the experience. He passed away in 2020, aged 3, after developing a brain infection. He was the light of my life and his passing has left an enormous hole in our hearts. 2 years ago we began the process of planning for another child.

We did every genetic test available, spoke to countless specialists, and the results showed that there is no currently understood explanation for our son's condition, and that any future children can only be tested and diagnosed after birth. Basically, our chances at a healthy baby are good but we will not know until they are born.

So here we are, 9 months pregnant with another boy. We are so excited to meet him, despite the fear of possible illness. The last few weeks of pregnancy have been difficult and have taken a toll on my mental health. The stress of potentially another child with the same illness is a significant factor in this. I am being induced tonight, and should go into labour in the morning.

I have asked my mother to be prepared to come into the delivery room again in case I need her. My parents live next to the hospital while we live an hour away, so we agreed to have dinner at their house before presenting to hospital.

We arrived at their house and I saw the front door open slightly, then close again. It was strange for one of my parents to see us arrive and not come out to greet us. We let ourselves in and my mum was hiding around the corner from us, looking sheepish. When I asked her what was up, she told me they had been watching my nephew all day and he was still there, sick and sitting on my dads lap. I was floored.

My husband and I instantly asked if she was joking and that if it was true we had to leave immediately. She told us it would be fine and we should stay. I started to cry and asked her why she would watch a sick child when she knew i was being induced tonight. She shrugged and said what choice did she have.

To be clear, my nephew's mother is currently a stay at home mum so there was no necessity for him to be there. If either my husband or I get sick, we risk passing it to a baby with zero immune system. We watched our first son battle through too many illnesses in his short life. This is literally life and death.

After leaving it occurred to me that the front door opening and closing was them checking who had arrived. They obviously had hoped it would be my brother first to collect the nephew, and we would never know. To me this is even worse as we could have picked up an illness without even being warned.

I told my parents I couldn't believe they would wait until we arrived at their house to tell us, and that I had specifically made sure they were healthy and not around anyone sick. I told her she made a choice and that we were not staying, and she was not welcome at the hospital. My dad told me I was being an a$$hole.

I keep thinking maybe I was too harsh, but I'm also just doing what I need to to protect my baby's life. So, am I the a$$hole?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

lycamm said:

Wow.. NTA. Hoping for a good delivery and a healthy boy.

Macchill99 said:

NTA - grandma's tears will dry for not having been there. It's not worth the risk just to save her feelings. I wish a happy and healthy birth for you. Good luck OP.

Sugar_Mama76 said:

Whoever is shoving another human being out of their body gets to decide who is in the room with them. Period. No other explanation or justifications needed. NTA for making an executive decision on who is going to be there.

Your mom screwed up. And even a perfectly healthy newborn shouldn’t have sick people around them. Not to mention that your immune system will be compromised from the physical and emotional stress. NTA for preventing contamination for you or your baby.

Lotte_Lelie said:

NTA. I wouldn't take any risk as a future grandmother and even 'sacrifice' myself in such a situation. Rather not present at the delivery than the risk of passing over germs. EVEN without the high-risk childbirth (due to your past history with your first son).

SnooWords4839 said:

NTA - I hope your delivery goes smoothly and wish you all the best.

BTW - Mom will need to stay away for a few weeks once you bring baby home. She was willing to lie to you about your sick nephew and didn't even think what she could do to your baby. Keep baby safe and mom in a time out.

She has since shared this update:

Our son arrived safely into the world yesterday. It was a tough labour and i absolutely would have benefited from having my mum there in different circumstances. Instead I had my husband and a bronze casting of my late son's hand to get me through, and it was all I needed. Thank you to everyone who offered words of support.

We have taken the advice given and notified the staff that we are not taking visitors. Everyone has been very supportive with keeping us as isolated as possible. For those who asked, my brother and SIL did not know that I was being induced and I don't blame them at all.

My mum told me she found out the night before that my nephew would be going there, but speaking with my brother confirmed that my nephew goes there every second Wednesday. Again, it's the attempted deception that is the worst. I actually think my SIL will be a great ally because she has also seen similar behaviour from my mum. Finally, the results are in and our little guy has normal immune function.

There are no words for the relief we feel.