'AITA for banning my mum from spending Christmas with us because of what she said about my son?' UPDATED
"AITA for banning my mum from spending Christmas with us because of what she said about my son?"
Hi looking for some honest insight as to whether I’m the AH or not. I (28F) have two children that are three and four years old with my husband (31M). This is regarding my oldest son.
So my son did not have a great start to life he had hydrocephalus, which is a build up of fluid on the brain and contracted meningitis at eight weeks old. He had a shunt fitted to drain the fluid and is doing much better. However because he was in the hospital for so long and because of potential damage to his brain, he has always been behind on his milestones.
With the brain they never know exactly what the impact will be, it’s a kind of wait and see situation especially as he was so young. We were told he might not be able to see, hear, walk or talk or even have problems for the rest of his life which thankfully hasn’t happened. He is partially deaf.
When we enrolled him in at preschool at 3 years old, the staff there thought he should get an autism assessment based on how he reacted and how his development was going. I went privately to get this as the NHS has massively long waiting lists.
So long story short they think he could be autistic but is definitely neurodivergent in some capacity we always knew he would be because of his history so this wasn’t a shock.
So my mum is 60 and she hasn’t really interacted much with my children as she lives far away. I did notice when she would come over she favoured my youngest son and would kind of prioritise him.
This is what made the following conversation happen. I had told her about my eldest son so she knew but when I asked her why she was treating my eldest differently she rolled her eyes and said autism is just a fad and it isn’t real. She continued to say that I could just train it out of him - it was all to do with me spoiling him.
I was livid I asked her how I spoiled him. She said I spoiled him by letting him have meltdowns without intervening. I don’t intervene because sometimes that makes these moments worse. My son isn’t gonna register anything you say to him in this moment of blind emotion.
I told her she wasn’t welcome in my house anymore or around my children and I didn’t want her coming for Christmas. She broke down crying saying she’d be all alone since my dad passed away a few years ago.
I told her that wasn’t my problem. For context I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and when I told her this she said you weren’t like that when you were younger, I didn’t do anything wrong.
She left but since then I have been getting a lot of family members specifically telling me to let her comments slide for the holidays. They all seem so sure of this it’s got me wondering. AITA?
Just a note I’d like to remind people to be respectful because this is a sensitive issue not just for me but a lot of people and if you can’t do that you will be reported. I honestly don’t care what my son is diagnosed with to me he is just my son and it’s my job to make sure he gets all the support from me and others.
So for a lot of people calling me a bad parent - I was the one that stood by his cot in intensive care unit when he fought for his life and held him through five separate surgeries he had to go through. He is my miracle. You don’t have a leg to stand on. I will be there for my son through hell and back.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Tell those family members they can take her in for the holidays.
I second telling all your other relatives to take her in if they are so worried about her. Then I would tell your mom you’ll CONSIDER having her next year IF she can demonstrate she respects your parenting decisions and stops playing favorites.
NTA, sorry for being blunt but I don't like how your mom talks or what kind of thought process she has. I feel you have a good understanding of situations and other things and what you are doing is totally correct, she must be taught some lessons and you don't want bad influence near a baby even if it's your own mom. As part of relatives don't listen to them do what you feel is best for your child.
Icy-Low388 (OP)
Be blunt I need to hear this cos the last few days I’ve been going crazy and getting very overwhelmed with all my family hounding me.
Inform her that when she’s alone in her care home with dementia, scared and unable to control her own bowels, the staff will need to train her out of it.
Tell her to get a cat.
That would be unfair to the cat!
Oh no, the consequences of her actions. Poor, bigoted mother.
NTA. Protect your children.
The youngest being favored will have a negative affect on them as well, seeing their older sibling emotionally neglected by someone who is supposed to love both of them will really mess up both of their self worth. And may cause some empathy problems.
You can't teach kids that bullying is okay, which is exactly what your mother was doing. Intentionally. She can follow your rules in your house or she can be alone for Christmas. Full stop.
As for the meltdowns . . . It's important to verbalize (and or sign) that you understand it's hard, your child is doing nothing wrong, and you're here to talk about it and find a solution when they're ready. Some kids literally just need to talk it out after they've had a bit of a cry, but you know your child best.
I'm sorry, but your mom is a moron. Your son has had the worst start in life and is recovering pretty well all things considered. It could have been so much worse and the fact he seems to be doing as well as he is is a blessing.
The fact he's experiencing neurodivergent tendencies is probably the least of your worries right now. Many of us on are neurodivergent and we function perfectly fine with jobs, relationships, and general success in life.
From the sound of your post he's a perfectly normal 3 year old, with a little extra difficulty. You aren't treating him with kid gloves, but you are aware he might have difficulties due to his partial deafness. He needs love, kindness, consistency and routine. He doesn't need someone treating him badly.