'AITA for banning my mum’s boyfriend from my life after what he did at my granddad’s funeral?'

"AITA for banning my mum’s boyfriend from my life after what he did at my grandad’s funeral?"

My mum (56) has been dating a man (“Adam”) for 5 years. I’m 28F. They met online during C*VID and said “I love you” within 3 weeks—before they’d even met in person. At the time, we had just gotten out of a 20+ year ab#sive home situation (our mum didn’t protect us—we got us all out).

We’d encouraged her to date to stop her going back to dad, but the intensity of the relationship raised red flags. Adam is in his late 50s, never married, supposedly has a good job but nothing to show for it. I suspect he gambles, he watches every sport, every team, obsessively.

He lives in England; we’re in Ireland. There have always been red flags—subtle digs about my mum aging, calling her decisions “our” decisions but keeping his private. He makes no effort with family and isolates her. I think he’s using her and possibly planning to freeload off her divorce settlement.

The final straw was him watching football on his phone for 15+ minutes at my grandad’s funeral. I waited a few weeks to tell my mum. When I did, he denied it—she believed him over me.

Things got tense. My sister and I ended up in family therapy (without him) and agreed to one last conversation with Adam. We told our mum: if it went badly, she could keep seeing him, but she had to stop trying to involve us. It was a big deal—we were anxious and triggered by having to confront a man about his behaviour, given our past.

The conversation was awful. He said, “We’ll agree to disagree,” then admitted he “glanced” at his phone, then finally admitted to watching the match. Still—no apology. Since then (6 months ago), we’ve had no contact with him. I’ve told him I don’t want to speak to him again. Now my mum is saying we need to “fix things” and come for dinner to “sort it out.” She gets upset when we say no.

I’m exhausted. I can’t control who she dates—but I won’t be around him. It’s stressful, triggering, and upsetting. Some family say we’re being “overly sensitive” due to cPTSD. But honestly, we’re too tolerant—we survived years of ab#se. If we were fragile, we would’ve broken. We didn’t.

Now I’m getting married next year. And I’m already heartbroken because my dad won’t walk me down the aisle—not because he’s gone, but because of what he did to us. That’s something I’ve had to grieve. But now it feels like another man in my mum’s life is going to ruin another major moment.

My graduation, birthdays—those were all made miserable by my dad. And now it feels like my wedding could be overshadowed by another man she’s putting first. I just don’t understand how it’s unreasonable to want my wedding day to be about me—for once—not about managing someone else’s boyfriend.

My mum clearly thinks I’m the problem—that I’m being difficult and dramatic because of our past. And honestly, I’m starting to feel like I am the asshole. But deep down, I don’t think I am. I just feel like one for standing my ground. AITA for drawing this boundary and saying I don’t want to spend Christmas or my wedding with this man?

Edit: my mum will definitely come to my wedding, we are actually really close and get on so well (apart from this drama) which is why it’s even more hurtful. When it’s not about men we have a really good relationship.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

imamage_fightme wrote:

NTA. Harsh truth? The real problem here is your mother. She stayed in an abusive relationship that it sounds like it wound up falling on you and your siblings to solve. Now she's brought this new guy around who is causing issues and she is again putting her romantic relationship above her kids.

She's got issues with men and she's never going to put you first. I think you honestly need to reconcile with that truth and consider if you actually want her (and any extended family agreeing with her) at your wedding.

What is going to cause you more anxiety and heartache in the long run? Having your mother at your wedding and her potentially making a scene/causing issues, potentially involving her boyfriend. Or uninviting her, and maybe feeling sad she isn't there, but having a drama-free day? Good luck with the decision.

De@thcomestoall wrote:

Why just him? Your mum is the one allowing him to be a part of your lives. She didn't protect you before. Why will she now? Her getting shagged is more important to her than your and your siblings' mental health. Let that sink in. NTA.

Nester1953 wrote:

Your mother demonstrated her willingness to sacrifice her children on the alter of her relationship with your ab#sive father. And now she's taken up with a walking red flag with whom you want no further contact. This is a completely legitimate and understandable decision, and not one that she's entitled to challenge.

You don't have to "fix things" or "sort things out" as your mother demands. Should you ever choose to be in his presence, that's your decision. But not being with him is also your decision. You don't have to invite him to dinner, or to your wedding, or to meet your children should have have them in future.

If you choose to maintain a relationship with your mother, do let her know that you'll be there for her should her relationship go south. But it sounds to me as if it already is pretty far south, with a man who is secretive, dishonest, isolates her (such a danger signal, but you cannot make her see it given her blindness to her partner's characters), and very likely gambling addicted.

Trust your instincts and do whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable. This is what a good mother would want for you. Know that you get to take good care of yourself no matter what your actual mother says or demands. NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you ❤️ the last paragraph has been in tears, I needed to hear that. It’s so hard to know what’s right when it hasn’t been modelled for you - I need to get better at trusting that even though it’s hard I do know what’s right but It’s just really comforting to have it confirmed.

ClassicCommercial581 wrote:

NTA; It sounds like your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you. The best thing you can do for yourself and your fiancée is to move on from your mother at this point. She is making unhealthy life choices, and you should not let her issues drag your lives down.

It sounds like she needs relationship and codependency therapy. I would go low to no contact with her and tell her why. Take the weight off your shoulders and build your new life in a healthy manner. Good luck.