'AITA for banning my sister from my wedding if she discusses her miscarriage?'

"AITA for banning my sister from my wedding if she discusses her miscarriage?"

3 years ago my younger sister Jen had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. She and her partner Scott were devastated. I was there for them as much as I could be but it was a tough time for them.

A few months later Scott left Jen: Jen said it was because of the miscarriage. Her and Scott had a close knit group of friends and I found it odd no one has checked on her so I rang her best friend to suggest a girls night. She told me the reason they had broke up: Jen had slept with someone else. When he confronted her she blamed the miscarriage.

9 months ago I got engaged and asked Jen to be my MoH. At our engagement party Jen became inconsolable at seeing our friends baby. Everyone’s focus - including mine - was on Jen all night. I wasn’t upset with her: I figured that she was imagining what all these big family events would be like with a baby so I gave her grace.

Since then anything to do with the wedding, she brings up her miscarriage - but only at events related to my wedding. I asked her to help me pick flowers and she lost it when she saw baby blue roses (she’s convinced she was having a boy) and we had to leave.

When we went wedding dress shopping and she picked out a maternity bridesmaid dress and asked to try it on so that she could see how she would have looked. When she did that I thought “she’s actually lost it” and had to walk away when she started stuffing a cushion up her dress. I have tried to talk to her about going to counseling again but she is insisting this is a normal part of the grieving process.

She planned my hen party: which I was so grateful for but I found out after she’d sent everyone a list of rules which included no talking about pregnancy or kids; no wearing baby blue, etc etc. I confronted her but I was gentle about it: I suggested counseling again and said I was there for her but also that if she wanted to impose any other “rules” on anything to do with my wedding she had to come to me first.

It all came to a head when one of my friends and bridesmaids announced she was pregnant (she will be 7 months at the wedding). After the announcement Jen called her and said it would be best if she didn’t come because she couldn’t “maintain her peace” if she was forced to be reminded of the loss of her child.

I LOST it when I found out and said she was using her miscarriage to get attention and if she made one more demand, or made a single comment about it at anything wedding related she was uninvited and in either case she is no longer my Maid of Honor.

Since then, Jen has told everyone I’ve dumped her from the wedding for being too upset about the loss of her baby. In retaliation and have told everyone and anyone who will listen the real reason her and Scott broke up.

Half our friends and family think I’m an ahole, half think she is. I’m still horrifically angry: and stuck in a place where I’m not sure if I’m rightly angry or if I should be more understanding. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

lycamm said:

NTA. Is this grief tho? It looks more like she is weaponizing the miscarriage to gain sympathy and attention from others and making "grief" her whole personality. Has she always made everything about herself? How was the relationship before the miscarriage?

Rabt_FTS said:

NTA. She needs some major therapy. She lost a baby she was barely pregnant with 3 years ago. Not that the loss will go away, but the fact that everything in her life is run by it is not at all healthy. She needs to do some serious unpacking of the amount of loss surrounding the baby and her relationship asap.

rosebudny said:

Your sister has lost her damn mind. NTA. Honestly, I would consider her cutting her out of your life along with the wedding. What is she going to do if/when YOU get pregnant? I get it, miscarriage is devastating. But it has been THREE YEARS.

Puzzled452 said:

NTA - I had twins stillborn at five months, I made it out to the other side by the skin of my teeth. She is being ridiculous at best, we don’t get to trauma dump and steal other peoples joy. And if she can’t handle seeing your friend pregnant then she doesn’t go. There was a family baptism soon after I lost my girls, I quietly didn’t go, gave my sincere regrets, and everyone understood.

AdCritical3181 said:

NTA. Her grief is real, but her behavior crossed boundaries. She repeatedly centered your wedding around her miscarriage and even tried to uninvite a pregnant bridesmaid. You gave her grace, suggested counseling, and set limits, she ignored them. Protecting your wedding was reasonable.

Kiki9313 said:

It's been 3 years? My miscarriage happened also 3 years ago, nearly 4. My youngest BIL had his son just a month after and I could make it NOT about myself. It was hard but my hubs and i managed.

Your sister needs to hold of about the weaponized miscarriage. Because that's what it is at this point because she's refusing any and all help and throws her past grief around like confetti the moment she wants things her way. NTA.

After reading the comments, OP edited the post to include:

A couple of people have said I went too far telling people about the reasons why she broke up with Scott. And I can take that: but just for context I had a multiple people reach out to me, who she had spoken to first. Each essentially said I was being a b for dumping her from the wedding for having a miscarriage and said something along the lines of “she’s lost her partner and her sister because she lost her baby."

I felt I needed to correct them that she actually lost neither of us, because if the miscarriage, she lost us because of her actions since and her blaming the miscarriage is part of a pattern of behavior.

(I didn’t go into details: just said “actually she lost Scott because she cheated on him, and she lost me because she uninvited one of my bridesmaids, without my knowing because she is pregnant).

I was upset and hurt that they were saying this to me; and also that she wanted everyone to think I was the sort of person who would dump my sister because she lost a baby so I lashed out by telling them what actually happened with Scott. I suppose as a way to defend myself. But again: if the consensus is that this was too far, I’ll accept that and take it on the chin.