'AITA (still) because I grew from the divorce and became the husband/father my ex had wanted me to be?' + UPDATE
"AITA (still) because I grew from the divorce and became the husband/father my ex had wanted me to be?"
I was the AH, I know it. My ex and I (40s) married in college in our early 20s. We went from living in the dorms together to being married and living on our own in another state due to my job.
We enjoyed the honeymoon period with each other along with being young 20 somethings in an exciting new city. Not long after being married she was pregnant and our first child was born a few months after our first anniversary.
She was a SAHM, I picked up overtime to cover everything. She matured way faster than I to support the baby. I was still closer to being a college dorm student than I was a husband/father/equal.
We had constant fights how I wasn't doing enough to help or supporting her physically or emotionally; I kept trying to tell her how I was doing enough, how I worked 80 hours last week, how I changed a diaper last week, how I cooked my own meal (just for me) so she wouldn't have to, etc.
She would explain her problems and how I could help her but I didn't hear them, I just wanted to argue. I used weaponized incompetence before that term was coined. In my mind I was working hard and she was just being unrealistic and couldn't see how much I did.
In reality, there was far more work than I realized, my ex was drowning and asking for help and all I would do was argue with her about how there was no way she was drowning.
Things would improve every few months, partly because I would do a little more work, partly because she just internalized her frustrations and stopped initiating conversations about them.
We had another child during this time, but this soon added even more stress and the fights grew even worse. Eventually she said she couldn't handle it any longer and moved in with family a few hours away.
I tried to win her back through love bombing (again, before I knew what that was) and figured she would come to her senses. And so I was extremely surprised when I got served the divorce papers.
I couldn't believe it, I never cheated on her, I didn't abuse her, I had no vices, we loved each other, how could she be divorcing me? Yet she did, and when we met with lawyers, I was taken off guard by how much resentment there was towards me. Where had that come from?
We agreed to every other weekend visitations. The first time I had to take care of my two toddlers on my own for two whole days was an eye-opener. I had done it once or twice when married, but she had prepped everything, pre-made the meals, picked out the clothes, cleaned the house etc.
I was still learning how to consistently do the laundry and wash the dishes everyday and pick up after myself. I had gone from living with my parents, to living in the dorms with roommates who constantly cleaned, to living with my ex.
I knew "how" to take care of a house but never had to do it all on my own, someone else always picked up the slack. And now I was fully responsible for that and for two little lives for 48 hours.
I remember being completely overwhelmed, and hit by a huge wave of empathy and understanding of where she had been over the past few years and what I had done to her. I apologized to her, but that only made her angrier.
So I grew up. I vowed to make the most out of each weekend with my children. I learned how to cook (I actually liked cooking?!), I learned how to braid hair, I bought tons of unnecessary toddler supplies and packed them all in the stroller just in case my kids needed something on a walk, etc.
On my own time I picked up new hobbies and went to the gym. I read the non-fiction, how-to/relationship books that my ex had been begging me to read. Overall I worked on myself and tried to become a superdad to my kids.
A couple of years after the divorce I started dating again. Being a single dad in my late 20s was a turn off to a lot of women and I was rejected often, but I found myself being matched with other single moms and really connecting with them.
I eventually met my now-wife, a single mom whose ex had abandoned her for someone else and wanted nothing to do with their children. And to her, I was the perfect catch: a loving dad who worked hard, did the household chores, and was devoted to her.
I learned from my mistakes in my first marriage, and took all the criticisms my ex had made about me to heart and improved from them. I became the husband my ex tried to make me into. I still slip up, and still have a lot to learn, but I do that with the support of my wife.
I would still see my ex every other week and the relationship improved somewhat, but there was still an undertone of resentment in each interaction. She went back to school, got a job, and raised our kids as a single mom.
I tried to get more visitation as they got older but she fought back and due to them living too far for daily visits, I only got longer summers with them. I have no idea about her dating life, I never ask the kids about her, but she is unmarried. I know very little about her life, she could be very happy and enjoying everything. But within our few interactions very little of that shows.
Now, our youngest is a senior and going to graduate and I've been talking to my ex more to prepare for it. Its mostly cordial, but occasionally hints of anger and passive aggressive comments come out.
I have thanked her for being a wonderful mother to our children and raising them, and again apologized for never being there or taking her seriously all those years ago. I still feel like the AH, though, sometimes because of how she understandably treats me, and other times just from my own guilt of how I treated her when we were married.
She is about to have an empty nest after devoting her life to children when I failed her, and I am living the suburban family life we had planned for but with someone other than her. Am I still the AH for learning from my divorce and becoming the husband I should have been with my ex?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but your apology doesn't undo the harm you caused. She may never be friendly with you; you just have to accept it. She probably questions why she wasn't worth the effort you put in after she ended things.
You need to understand that you will always be the villain in her story. That you hurt and abandoned her so deeply when she was at her most vulnerable. That you can't fix what you did, or didn't do. That becoming a good husband and father only hurts her more because it means you were capable of being that man, just that you didn't care enough about her to do it for her.
NTA for growing and learning and apologising. However your ex probably doesn't see it the way you do. You see it as you getting a rude shock - divorce - and realizing just how much you'd let your ex down, and that you needed to become an adult and be able to parent your kids, and to your credit you seem to have done exactly that, which is admirable.
Your ex might see it that you refused to listen to her, refused to deal with any of the issues she was struggling with, and made her life a lot harder than it should have been
now she see's you with your wife, and the perfect life that she should have had with you.
But you wouldn't/couldn't give that to her, so she might be feeling that she wasn't good enough, that you didn't love her enough to do all that you do for your wife now with her.
Eight months later, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you for those who continue to reach out for updates. While nothing has changed from my previous post's original question (I will always be the AH in my ex's eyes, I will have guilt for that for life, will continue to try to make amends with her, and will try to do better with my wife and kids) there was an event that brought a little closure recently.
My youngest child (now 18) with my ex graduates this month. My ex held a party for them at her house which was attended by immediate family and friends from both sides.
It was the first time many members of our respective families had been together since our wedding 20+ years ago (we hosted separate parties for our oldest child's graduation 2 years ago).
Overall, the party went very well. Our daughter was celebrated and felt appreciated. She said it felt a little weird to have her two worlds collide, such as when her (step) siblings hung out with her maternal cousins, or having both sets of grandparents spending lots of time talking with each other and laughing.
It brought a pang of guilt that my daughter didn't remember a time when her grandparents were close friends, as they were before her mother and I divorced. My wife and my ex spent time with each other and laughed a few times. My wife won't tell me what all they talked about so my guess is they shared some common "war stories" about me.
My ex and I had a chance to talk as well. We mostly talked about the kids and how proud we were of our daughter, how excited she is to move for college, and what our oldest child was up to.
She asked what was next with our family and I gave updates about my younger kids and their future graduations and activities. She returned that she was excited and a little anxious about having an empty nest.
Her job is mostly the same but going well and she is planning on traveling. She also casually dropped the name "Mark" during our conversation ("Mark and I talked about doing...") and I had no idea who she was talking about.
Maybe he’s someone she’s seeing, but she didn’t elaborate, I didn’t pry, and the topic moved on. I suspect we each assume our kids inform the other parent about our respective life updates more than they actually do, because it didn't seem like she was trying to drop major news on me when she said it. And there was no "Mark" present at the party so I really have no idea what their connection is.
Near the end, I again thanked her for being a wonderful mother to our children and briefly re-apologized for my actions years ago. She replied kindly and apologized for fighting so hard against me when I requested more visitation a decade ago.
Note: Initially, I only saw the kids every other weekend with short summers. I pushed for more visitation after I remarried, had moved into a larger house that could fit everyone, and was in a position to take care of the kids for longer times. I asked for 50/50 but ended up with 40/60 after a bitter mediation. We returned to talking about the kids and the conversation mostly ended after that.
And that seems like it, I don't see the need for other updates. I doubt I will see much of my ex. The kids-now-adults are both doing their own things, have their own cars, and can visit their individual parents and siblings as they wish.
There are no more visitation drop-offs between my ex and I. There will probably be college graduations and maybe eventual weddings, but beyond that our interactions are mostly finished.
While we both had caused each other frustration, pain, and resentment over the years after the divorce, and I will always have my guilt for failing her in our marriage, in the end we successfully raised two happy children who are starting their own adult lives. Each of our lives took unexpected paths to get here, but we got here nonetheless and are proud our children made it through while feeling loved.
My wife and younger kids are also happy and doing well. There are tons of updates with all them but those aren't relevant to this subreddit. I am not the AH to them, I'm just "dad" and "husband" (although sometimes they are embarrassed/reluctant to admit to having those associations with me).
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Bittersweet, OP. Thanks for the update. I'm glad you both moved on and hope the best for you and your families.
For some reason i still feel bitter and angry for her. she deserved so much better than OP.
I still do not understand you not moving to where your kids lived to be able to get a better custody schedule. You describe it as "a bitter mediation" but you also say in the original post that the schedule wasn't 50/50 because you were too far away for day visits.
Honestly sounds like you still want your ex to be a villain in that specific scenario since she very clearly isn't in every other aspect. I'm glad your ex seems to have made peace and seems to finally have the time to get her own proper social life, whoever Mark is to her, it seems he makes her happy. Good for her.