"AITA for being a 'bitter baby mama'?"
Me (30F) and my ex (30m) had our twin boys at 18. We were dating from the age 15 till 18 and separated when the boys were 3-months-old. I have the boys full-time and he would see them every weekend.
About a year after we broke up he met his wife Stella (31F) they started dating pretty quickly after they met and then got married after a year of dating. Stella and I got along pretty well until they got married.
After they got married, she said that all communications had to go through her and her alone and that my ex needs to have me blocked. my ex saw the boys less and every time I asked when they could see him, she would say “soon”, that “soon” would take a couple of weeks or even a month.
Fst forward to two years after they got married, she gave birth to their first and only child they have together. At this time, the boys still barely saw their father. They surprisingly invited us to go shopping and then we would go to the Christmas market.
They had two big bags of stuff they bought and I had backpack full. When we were in the Christmas market, I started to sweat so I took off my beanie and scarf. My ex who was walking with the stroller told me to just put it in the stroller.
We sat down had hot chocolate and then head back. This time it was her waking with the stroller and she threw my scarf and beanie on the ground and said that she didn’t wanna carry my garbage.
I just picked up without saying anything and went on about my day. Not long after, she was whining about having difficulties with walking with the stroller because of the shopping bags that were hanging on it.
She asked me to carry them. I just told her to ask her husband to carry their garbage. The boys witnessed all of this. When I arrived home, I got an angry text from her saying that until I can’t respect her, they aren’t gonna invite me to things and that I’m not welcome in their home anymore.
I replied to her saying that I don’t allow my kids in places that I’m not welcome in. She told me that she didn’t care. After arguing back and forth she blocked me. Fast forward to now, I’m married and I gave birth to my youngest two years ago.
The boys haven’t seen their father since that day of the Christmas market and they don’t care about him nor their sister. They still see their paternal grandparents and the rest of their paternal family.
Apparently their sister (who’s 8 now) has been asking questions about why she doesn’t see the boys. Their grandmother said that both Stella and my ex wanted to talk, I told his family that they needed to unblock me, if they wanted to talk.
They did, we met in person and spoke (without the kids). They said that they couldn’t handle their daughter’s questions anymore and that they would appreciate if I put my bitterness aside and let them and their daughter have a relationship with the boys.
I explained to them that I never said that they weren’t allowed to have a relationship with them. I just told Stella that I don’t allow my kids in places that I’m not welcome in. They told me that it’s their home and that they have the right to place any boundary they want.
I said “of course you do, but boundaries also have consequences and you can’t get upset at me when the consequences started to bite you in the ass”. They left and I think I was justified. But my husband and my mother said that I was too harsh on them and that I should just do it for the kids if not for them, so AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You need to go to family court. Put him on child support, setup the parenting app for communication and let the courts decide visitation period. Also tell your ex to give the boys a phone if he wants to communicate with them, period. NTA.
Yes and don’t engage with Stella ever again & if you have to, a hello/goodbye is enough. Everything related to your twins must go through the father. You were treated like dirt by her and him. Stand you ground.
NTA. To be clear your ex doesn't care about the kids or custody. You aren't a bitter ex he's just a deadbeat dad with a controlling wife. If he cared about seeing his kids he would have kept up visitations when you were offering. He should have shut down his wife on being your sole point of communication.
He should have either brokered peace between you two or gone to court to establish set visitations. He did none of that because he doesn't care about them. You aren't blocking him from seeing the kids, he could go to court and get visitations. It isn't your responsibility to facilitate him seeing kids that he doesn't give AF about.
NTA!!!! Why on earth would you WANT your kids around someone who is DEFINITELY gonna trash talk about you in front of those same kids??? It isn't necessary for all the kids to have a relationship with each other.
Would it be nice? Maybe, depends on how ALL the kids really feel, not just one. Have a sit down with your boys and ask THEM how THEY feel about it. They're twelve now, they get a say in their own relationships.
NTA, it’s not on you to bridge the gap. If he wanted a relationship, he would manage it. You’re right there is no reason for your kids to be somewhere where you’re not respected or welcomed. Get everything court ordered.
NTA. Harsh is failing to have a relationship with your sons because your wife feels so insecure about your non bitter baby mama. I would be really cautious here since the only person expressing a desire to know your sons is their 8 year old daughter, not your sons’ father.
If you do get together, I think it should be a public outing with the kids and your partners so the kids can meet. But once they have met, I believe it may be no contact again on their part as 8 year olds aren’t great at keeping in touch.