'AITA for being annoyed at my GF for not doing housework?' UPDATED

"AITA for being annoyed at my GF for not doing housework?"

So me and my GF recently moved together, I work a couple of cities over so I have to wake up before 06:45am in the morning and am usually home around 5-7pm in the evening. She doesnt work full time, and has somewhat irregular working hours, but has days where she doesn't work or doesn't start before 1pm.

So yesterday my gf started work at 1pm and I came home around 7pm to no dishes being done, food from yesterday cold on the stove, no clothes wash on etc. So I got annoyed at her and snapped at her when she came home, telling her how I was annoyed that there was basically no housework done even though she had hours from when I left til she was going to work, to be doing at least some.

For the record, I've told her earlier that I don't mind doing housework in the weekends or when she isnt able to (starting early, working late shifts back to back etc), but said when I get home after a 2 hour commute and a full work day, and she have spent hours at home or doesnt have work that day that i expect some housework done.

She got upset and said that she needs the extra 3 hours from when I leave til she is leaving for work to sleep, which I said to me is a BSt reason to not do some chores. AITA for expecting housework done after coming home from a full work day?

TL;DR: GF not doing housework when she got way more time at home then I do, and O getting annoyed there is no housework done when I get back home, which lead me to snapping at her.

Edit#1: I forgot to mention that we had discussed the housework topic before we moved together which we both agreed that as long as I vacuum clean, keep the outside spaces clean and shovel snow in winter that she would do most of the dishes, washing clothes and dusting.

The biggest reason I snapped was because nothing was even set in water or tidied up a little, I wouldn't have snapped if at least a little had been done. Sorry for forgetting this.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

queenofthera wrote:

YTA (mildly)

I_N_F_O Is this recent incident the only example of this happening since you moved in together, or has this been a trend?

Reading your comment, this is how I'd judge it. Generally, it sounds like you have different expectations of how clean your living space has to be.

Leaving house work undone once or twice a week is not a big deal to a lot of people. It's not this that makes you TA in my eyes though. Something about how you phrase your post suggests that you think the housework is, by default, your gf's responsibility, even aside from the fact that she has more spare time than you.

"For the record, ive told her earlier that I dont mind doing housework in the weekends or when she isn't able to."

It's like, you're only happy to do it as an exception to the rule, rather than you seeing is as an equal responsibility that she just happens to do more of due to circumstances.

OP responded:

I'll comment again as my knowledge of the internet is limited because of years of lurking. As you said, we do have different expectations of how clean our living space should be, I've been raised to always clean up after every meal and overall have it clean at least in the most used areas.

And I will admit, I've probably not communicated that well enough. I don't mind cleaning up when it does annoy me, or I have time, which I usually do, its usually when I've been working all day and know that she has spent most of the day at home and not tidied up even a little. But as I've not communicated, my expectations clearly enough, I can see why this makes me TA. Thank you for the insight.

IThinkThingsthrough wrote:

YTA. I get your frustration, but if you guys haven't sat down and hashed out household responsibilities and a mutually agreed level of household upkeep, you don't have grounds to expect that she guess what you want done that day and have it done on a specific timetable. FWIW, this is something most couples go through at some point.

We all have our own ideas of what has to be done in a house, and those unspoken assumptions can make it feel like someone is dumping work on you when in fact that person, if living alone, still wouldn't be doing that task because s/he doesn't see a task that needs to be done.

Some people are happy leaving the dishes and grabbing fast food for dinner; others aren't. Instead of yelling at your girlfriend for not doing what you felt needed to be done, talk to her about how she imagined things going and what her plan was.

Also FWIW, there's a considerable body of evidence indicating that women actually need more sleep than men do. I'm not suggesting that that means she shouldn't keep up with mutually negotiated responsibilities - just that she may actually have needed sleep.

OP responded:

I can agree that snapping at her the way i did was wrong, and I'll be using " talk to her about how she imagined things going and what her plan was."this when i get home, thanks!

ProofHorse wrote:

INFO: Did you discuss chore divisions before you moved in together? It's really important to be on the same page. You should sit down and have this discussion now. Maybe in her head, chores are something you do together, or she has a different split in her head or does other things that you don't notice. It's important to talk about these things.

OP responded:

Yes we did, I added an edit about it.

WebbieVanderquack wrote:

ESH. She should be doing more, but you coming home and getting angry about what she hasn't done isn't a great way to handle this. You need to sit down and make an agreement about how much of the household chores each of you should be doing.

Awhile later, OP jumped on with an update:

Thank you all for your comments and views, they made me realise I was in the wrong for snapping at her like that. Some thought she did her agreed chores 5 out of 7 days which I need to clarify is wrong.

I snapped at her because it happens 1-2 times a week where it gets so "bad" that I'm getting annoyed by the mess when I get home, and not even the slightest effort was done to tidy up a little, even when she had been home most of the day. But I've realised that since I didnt communicate my expectation clear enough, and got annoyed at her because of that, I was wrong.

So! I took her out for dinner the day after my last post and we had a good time, I sat down with her when we got home and made sure I clarified my expectations with her, asked her about her expectations, and suggestions on how to avoid unnecessary negativity again.

I won't go into detail about what we agreed on, but we agreed on sharing the housework and putting in a little more effort when we have the time. (not talking about doing ALL of them all the time, just make a better effort of keeping it relatively cleaner when one of us have the time).

So again, thank you all for your time and thoughts!

-Sam

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

caylaxirwin wrote:

This is actually a really wholesome update and I really appreciate the maturity you both seem to have. Good luck in all future endeavors and I hope life is kind to the both of you.

tuna_tofu wrote:

I guess it comes down to who made the mess. Each person should do AT LEAST their own maintenance (laundry, cooking, dishes) and divide up the cleaning of the shared spaces or allocating based on schedules (trash has to go out Tuesday morning so the one off on Monday afternoon should put it out, etc).

harper5121 wrote:

Great job! Such amazing progress that shows that some people really do accept their judgment and change their actions. You handled it in the best way.