"AITA for being 'difficult' with my family on Thanksgiving?"
I 36m am being called difficult by my family (mom, step dad, brother, brothers girlfriend, step brother) because of what transpired over thanksgiving dinner.
Every year we have Thanksgiving at my mom's place. I love thanksgiving. I love having the family around together laughing, playing games and all around being together until late at night since we all have our lives going on and get to see each other less and less like that.
This year my brother bought his house with his girlfriend. He declared that thanksgiving would be at his house. My mom agreed and told everyone but me. I was told at the last second.
I began planning for food and what was needed on our end. "Are we making the turkey or is brother" "how many other people are coming so I know how much to cook and what to bring." This was 3 weeks before the actual dinner. No response from anyone. So I dropped it after a week with a personal non televised decision to just bring a small dish.
A week before Thanksgiving I was, again, the last to find out that thanksgiving was canceled and the family decided to opt for going to a car show instead. Every year after Thanksgiving lunch/dinner we would go as a family to the car show.
I was confused because we could just go to the car show after eating like we always do but I was told at, everyone (brother, step dad, brothers girlfriend, mom) decided they didn't want to cook so instead they wanted to go out and eat dinner at some restaurant.
I've worked in the service industry in our area for a long time. I know how slim the restaurant pickings are on thanksgiving. I communicated that I'd rather have dinner together as a family.
I don't like the idea of changing things up a week before with no plans and I didn't like that I had no say in this and felt excluded. I let my mom and the family know that they would have to plan it all because typically it's left for me to plan everything and for them to complain. (Text) No response.
A day later my mom is freaking out because she can't find a restaurant for us to eat as a family. I told her to leave it on the hands of the people who decided to go this route and she got upset with me. She would send me links to restaurants in the area and that I needed to make a decision. I told her to send it to everyone else because it's their Thanksgiving plans not mine.
This pisses her off more and she didn't understand why I was being so difficult. I explained to her that eating out was not my decision, she knows I'd rather have Thanksgiving at home and that brother and step dad should be helping you since they want to prioritize the care show over a family meal. She told me that they are not helping her and that I need to help her!
Mom began to complain and moan a whole lot more and so I shouldn't have but did look up some locations. I sent her four locations and was immediately reprimanded because they were too expensive.
I explained to her that finding something before the drive range of $50 per person would be less quality and she would complain when she ate the food. I stopped sending her places after that but I kept getting complaints from her about finding a place. I eventually found a restaurant.
I sent her the info and she said yes. Like my famndid to me, I booked the reservation, sent them the time they needed to be there, what kind of food they typically serve and what the menu to on thanksgiving looked like. This was 7days before TG.
No response.
The day before thanksgiving I was sitting on the couch at my mom's home and could hear a conversation she was having with step dad over the phone. It was along the lines of "your cousin invited us to her house" "it's not fair to cancel the reservations after he already made them" "I don't know what's on the menu" "you ask him to cancel them" "I'll ask him."
I was totally pissed at this point. I heard my mom walking out of the room and she was about to answer a question when I told her " I'm not going to his cousin's house for Thanksgiving, you can go but I won't" I knew I caught her off guard because she said no it was never going to happen we were never going to go it's just step dad talking.
I told her it didn't sound like that when you asked him to ask me to cancel the reservations she desperately wanted because he wasn't helping her find one. She said "no your being difficult."
And I told her "no, you guys can't stick to a plan and then bring me into it then blame me when it's not working out and calling me difficult. She asked me to drop it (the conversation) and that the restaurant was still happening.
The next day on thanksgiving: everyone turned up late. I was the only one who are out of the thanksgiving menu while everyone picked lunch menu items after I told them the restaurants specialty was breakfast. The food came and yup everyone complains about their food. I didn't care. Chicken is too hard, chicken is too spicy, my food was great. Everyone looked disappointed at their selection.
We went to the car show after. It was bad. Small number of cars and taken over by local dealerships. Step dad mentioned that he regretted choosing the car show over thanksgiving dinner. I asked him why but he got upset and apparently ran to my mother to tell her....I was being difficult again. Apparently I made him feel bad and was being disrespectful for hurting his feelings.
My brother was on step dads side. He said he could not have predicted this car show would be so empty. I told him, that's why it's never the focus of thanksgiving because we don't know what's here until we get here.
He didn't want to hear it. Yup that got to mom as well. And she told me I've been very slelfish to everyone. I left. I didn't want to be there anymore. Yup, I received calls and voicemails about why I left. I'm not answering them.
AITAH for being difficult on Thanksgiving?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Beth21286 said:
They got the Thanksgiving they deserved. Next time do nothing and eat yourself at home. Make sure everyone remembers 'bro and stepdad's Thanksgiving' in future.
petallist said:
Dude make other christmas plans. Your family sucks. I'm sorry.
New_Ice8209 said:
NTA. Next year find other people to do thanksgiving with and let these folks do their own thing. Don’t reach out, don’t plan a menu, just don’t go. They will still try to blame you for the position of the sun in the sky, but it won’t be your concern.
fadingsunsetglow said:
Nta. You werent the one being difficult... they are just mad they couldnt scrape together the perfect Thanksgiving with little to no effort.
CocoaAlmondsRock said:
You are aware that you're the family scapegoat, and no matter what you do, everything bad will be your fault? The answer is not to participate. It doesn't sound like it's any fun to be with them anyway.
Opt out of Christmas -- you'll save a fortune. Do your own thing!! You won't miss anything but drama. Block everyone so you don't have to read their text complaints either. If they can't straighten up, just go NC. I see no reason here to keep them in your life.
OP responded:
Every year we do a dinner for the birthday person. Mine is coming up on the 5th. I've realized I've been keeping the tradition alive. No one's asked me about it over a week away. After yesterday, I'm doing my own thing.
mariruizgar said:
You’re not difficult but why do you keep insisting when they’re the ones not even a bit interested and just flat out selfish? Make your own choices and stick to them, if you want to eat turkey then cook it, if you want to host to a more enthusiastic group, we wouldn’t judge you.
The holidays are what you make of them, if you enjoy celebrating them, don’t give away the power to your family to dictate how to do them. Be your own person and start doing what you want to do. What’s the plan for Christmas? Please tell you you’re not letting them rule it AND RUIN IT. NTA.