'AITA for being disappointed with my engagement ring?' UPDATED

"AITA for being disappointed with my engagement ring?"

My (25F) boyfriend (26M) and I have been dating for 8 years now, and a little over a year ago he started asking me to shop around for my dream engagement ring. I don’t consider myself a very particular person, and it ultimately came down to only two or three things that I really wanted for my engagement ring: A solitaire oval stone on a gold band. I left everything else up to him —

The setting, the shape of the band, even the kind of stone! All I asked for was an oval stone, by itself, on a gold band. Over the last year, he repeatedly asked me what I wanted, and gave me multiple opportunities to describe my ideal ring to him. Every time, I said the same thing: Solitaire oval stone on a gold band, everything else was up to him. I could not have more clearly communicated my hopes for this ring.

So last week, my bf comes up to me and he’s so excited to tell me that he bought my engagement ring, and asks if I want to see it. When he shows me, my heart sinks. It’s a gold band and an oval central stone…

But there’s also a bunch of smaller emeralds surrounding the central diamond(?). He’s so excited and proud of himself, and he asks me if I like it, but I don’t have the courage to say that I don’t.

A few days ago, I asked him why he chose to include extra stones, and he lovingly told me that he thought I deserved extra stones and that I fill his world with color, so he wanted to add some color to my ring. Obviously this is very sweet and well-meaning, but I’m devastated that he didn’t adhere to what I asked for…

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, I pictured getting proposed to and how I would feel when people asked me to show off the ring that was so different from what I wanted, and I just started bawling. I feel so shallow and guilty for not liking it, but I also feel so disappointed and sad that he didn’t consult me or any of my friends before buying a ring that’s so different from what I wanted.

I’ve been beating myself up over this and I’m losing sleep over whether I’ll start to feel resentful of my boyfriend because he was trying to be unique and creative. AITA?

NOTE: Since so many people have asked, I feel it’s important to clarify that I made a Pinterest board for his reference, shared pictures of different rings that I would like, and asked him to consult my friends when picking out a ring, which my friends tell me he did not do.

Also, he asked me multiple times whether I wanted anything besides the primary central stones and every single time I said the same thing: One single stone. Thank you all, I welcome all perspectives!

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Amazing_Reality2980 said:

YTA you were too vague. However, if it's such a big deal to you that you're going to resent it for the rest of your life, then sit him down and tell him NOW what your preference is before he actually proposes. Tell him why you don't want the emeralds on it.

Personally, I would not want colored stones on my engagement ring either. I love emeralds and I do wear them often, but I tend to wear jewelry that color matches my outfit and I wouldn't want to wear emeralds when I wear colors like pink or purple. Stupid reason maybe, but the green stones would annoy me as well lol.

Specific_Treat_655 said:

NTA but neither is your husband. The store clerk should have told him that is not a "solitaire ring." His personal touch and meaning he brought to the ring is touching though. He showed you the ring before the engagement so it seems he wanted your input. You can bring it up in a kind way.

NixKlappt-Reddit said:

YTA. He maybe should have sticked to your wishes. He tried. He just wanted to add some additional effort and love in it. I am wondering about your behavior. Do you want to marry that man or do you mainly care about the ring?

When my husband proposed, he had pre-selected a ring for me. It was still possible to change it to any ring I like. When we went to the store, I did not even look at any other rings. I just selected the model he had pre-selected. When I look at my ring, it reminds me of him because he chose it. If I would have selected the ring on my own, it would just remind me of myself.

Sweet-Mopita said:

YTA. It's a ring. It's a gift. I can't understand why you're trying to choose your engagement ring; you’ve taken all the magic out of it. Why didn't you just ask for the money and get it yourself? I get that society and social media have turned everything into a transaction.

But to you, it’s just about finding a different ring to match an aesthetic—a Pinterest board. You don't seem to consider how much effort your boyfriend has put in or that it might hold some real meaning. My advice is to wait...marriage is challenging and requires genuine commitment—something that goes beyond a Pinterest board.

Aggravating_Depth_33 said:

YTA and shallow and spoiled af. You don't deserve your boyfriend.

T21Mom2012 said:

YTA. You are so caught up in the aesthetics that you have forgotten what the ring symbolizes. I love what he said about the emeralds. People have gotten married with less-a tiny diamond or just a simple gold band, but they love their rings because of what it symbolizes, not by how it looks.

UPDATE:

Okay so the general consensus is that I seem to be the ahole, which I don’t necessarily disagree with. But I thought I’d update anyone who was interested! I took every comment (yes, even the harsh ones) into consideration. The truth is, I was already having all of those thoughts about myself before making the post.

I was so mad at myself for feeling disappointed with the ring, and after getting so much negative feedback from commenters, I did my best to swallow my disappointment and just accept the ring my boyfriend bought. The problem was, no matter how hard I tried, he could tell something was off. I truly and sincerely did my best not to let it show, but he just knew that something was wrong.

He asked me several times over the last few days what was going on with me, and only after he begged me to explain, did I finally (tearfully) share with him that I was struggling to picture myself wearing the ring he bought, because it felt really different from what I was expecting him to choose.

Saying it out loud made me feel like a monster, and I profusely apologized to him for seeming ungrateful. But true to his character, he was completely understanding and supportive. He even admitted that the ring was an impulse purchase, and he acknowledged (on his own) that he bought it without showing my friends and with the knowledge that he was going against my express wish of having one stone.

He told me that if I’d like to try the ring on before he proposes, that I’m welcome to, and if I don’t like it, he can exchange it without much difficulty. Since the initial conversation, he’s shared with me that he really wants me to love the ring that he picked out, because he doesn’t want to feel like he chose wrong.

I’ve asked him in the event that I don’t like the ring, whether he wants me to be honest or keep it to myself, to which he’s insisted that he wants me to be honest regardless of his feelings. I also explained to him that there’s no “wrong” way to choose a ring, and that the sentiment of his choice will always be meaningful to me.

I’ve also considered and explored the possibility of including emeralds (among other stones) in my wedding band, so he feels like his sentiment wasn’t just discarded. Again, I appreciate everyone’s input. Happy Holidays, all!

Here's what people had to say to OP about the update:

2dogslife said:

Excellent update. You talked, both listened, and you made a plan that works for the two of you. That's what an adult relationship looks like.

PinkElephants879 said:

Wow I’m surprised by the AH votes in your original post. It’s a piece of expensive jewelry you’re going to wear every day for your life. Your opinion on it is important! Glad you two talked. Sounds like you have a good line of communication and bodes well for a good marriage if all conflicts are talked about this way. Good luck!

Total_Breadfruit8381 said:

You should never be called an AH for wanting a say in an expensive piece of jewelry that you’ll wear for the rest of your life. I’m shocked that was the verdict.

swishcandot said:

I'm sorry but he did choose wrong. You were very specific, so that is 100% on him for NOT JUST LISTENING TO WHAT YOU WANTED. Does he always think well, I know better than you what you want! Anyone who said you are an AH can get bent.

Finicky-phatgurl said:

It’s a ring you wear for life, you should absolutely love it. So glad you guys were able to work it out!

cachalker said:

Wow…color me pleasantly surprised. And impressed. Sounds like a good guy.