'AITA for being mad at my husband after he let our daughter shave her head?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for being mad at my husband after he let our daughter shave her head?"

We have a certain tradition in my family. During the summer, all children in age 10 have their hair dyed (currently with a special dye that wears off after a few days), we dress in colorful clothes, decorate my grandparents' house, and celebrate for three days and three nights. There's cake, presents, various contests, and so on.

It is a family tradition, not a matter of culture or country and it comes from the time when one of my great-great grandmother lost many children before they turned 10. Well, my daughter turns 10 this year, she is one of 3 children in this age. The celebration was scheduled for August 1. Everything was going well, she was very happy. And then I went on a business trip.

When I came back, my daughter had a shaved head. Honestly, I was shocked because during this time I did not receive any information or even a photo. I asked my husband what happened. He said that he and our daughter were watching some cartoon together and one of the characters had shaved her hair, so our daughter decided she wanted to shave hers too. And he agreed.

That...caused a lot of drama. We had a bit of an argument, and honestly, at the time, I was more concerned that he'd allowed her shave her head on such a small impulse. But the next day, my mother came in and a conversation about tradition began. You know, how to dye hair that doesn't exist.

My mother suggested a wig or just painting my daughter's head, but... my daughter burst into tears because she realized she would be the only one 10 year old whose hair wouldn't be dyed. She also refuses to go to the celebration now because "it won't be the same."

And now she's mad and my husband is furious with me, thinking the whole tradition is stupid and that it's the tradition's fault that our daughter is upset. I, on the other hand, think he was irresponsible and he should have thought about what he was doing before he started shaving her head. Yes, my husband knows about the tradition. He's been there twice.

EDIT: yes, my daughter is completely bald now. As for "what if one of the kids doesn't want to dye their hair?" the answer is that my brother was that kid. So on the day of the celebration, he wore a rainbow wig, and no one had a problem with it. The thing is, as I've already pointed out: my daughter doesn't want wigs or head paint, she wants dyed hair.

EDIT 2: I've noticed that many people in the comments have a strange view of this tradition, so I want to clarify something. No, we're not talking about d*ad children, nor is there a "cemetery like atmosphere."

Although it began with many deaths, it is a celebration of life and joy. Something like a huge birthday. That's why everyone dresses colorfully, that's why we paint ourselves and decorate our houses, and that's why children get presents.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

PomBergMama wrote:

NTA, it’s her hair to do what she wants with, but she’s 10–too young to remember stuff when she’s excited or think much about consequences.

Your husband should have remembered the party which is already scheduled and not that long away and asked daughter if she was SURE she wanted to do it, because it wouldn’t grow back in time to dye for the party, or at least ask if she wanted to wait until after the party and then if she still wanted to do it she could.

Haazelwisp wrote:

Yeah, this. At 10, kids don’t always think ahead they just get caught up in the moment. That’s where the parent is supposed to step in and say, ‘Hey, let’s hold off until after the party, and if you still want to shave it, we’ll do it then.’

It’s not about controlling her, it’s about helping her avoid regrets later. Now she’s upset because she feels like she ruined something she was excited about, and that could’ve easily been avoided.

mamaperk wrote:

NTA. I am a very chill mom and let my kids have fun hair with lots of color or their own choice of cuts when they were teens. If I came home and my kid was bald I would be upset without the family tradition aspect. Your husband should have said "let's wait and see what Mom thinks" even if only to borrow some time and let the 10yo think about it without doing it impulsively. He messed up.

One-Comedian2560 wrote:

Think a lot of people are missing how upset the child now is and realising the consequences of her actions. As a responsible parent, her dad should have maybe had at least a conversation surround the tradition and not gone along with an implausible idea from a ten year old. Like the people saying OP is in the wrong is crazy.

zomystro wrote:

She will have some hair by Aug 1st, lots of people with very short hair dye their buzz cut. She doesn’t need to be left out of the celebration, you’ll just have to be creative with the dye job. Not a big deal, just make it work.

A day later, OP shared an update.

So, a few things have happened since yesterday, and taking advantage of the fact that it's currently 11 a.m. in my country and I'm home alone, I'd like to share this with you. I guess I'll start by saying that many of you were right, even if you were wrong about the reasons.

So 3 hours after I published my first post, my husband's sister came over to pick up my daughter. I decided to take the opportunity and ask her for help, figuring she was the perfect "neutral person."

My husband wasn't happy and strongly opposed it, thinking it was unnecessary to still drag this out, but I asked his sister to talk to my daughter about what had happened anyway. She (my husband's sister) currently has a Mohawk, so I asked her to simply start with the hairstyles and then get to how it all started. She agreed.

They returned around 11pm. We waited until our daughter gone to bed, then we sat down in the kitchen and started talking. Well...my husband tried to end this conversation many times, but I finally learned this: the fact is that he and our daughter watched a cartoon where a character shaves her hair.

The fact is that my daughter found it interesting. But that's where the "Daddy started encouraging us to do it and saying it would be great" part comes in. My daughter told his sister how he convinced her that "it would be more fun this way" and that "this way she would be able to better play the character in their game."

When my husband's sister left, we started arguing. I don't know if it's still obvious, but even as I write this, I'm still pissed. At first, my husband defended himself, trying to say that his sister was biased and that it was all lies, and that the idea was 100% our daughter's. But in the end, he told the truth.

Yes, he convinced her to cut her hair.

No, it wasn't just about "stupid tradition." It's worse.

You see, before the date of the celebration was set this year (August 1), my husband wanted to go on a week-long vacation to Greece. They were supposed to start...August 1st. So yes, my brilliant husband shaved our daughter's head to "get back at me for taking away his vacation." He thought that this way we would avoid reuniting with my family or at least "I would feel what he felt."

Yes, I too don't know whether to laugh or cry. It ended with me sleeping on the couch, him taking the bedroom, and going to work in the morning. Now our daughter is currently with my parents while I consider my next move. I don't want arguing again, but I'm certainly not going to leave it like that.

EDIT: Okay, I appreciate all the comments, and as I wrote, our daughter is currently staying with my parents. That said, when I took her to them we talked. The good news is that we joked a bit about the fact that at least now we don't have to comb her hair.

The atmosphere was better than in recent days, together we found some positives in this whole situation, and using your advice, I also decided to assure her that she still looks wonderful and that nothing that happened was her fault or I'm not mad at her. Unfortunately, the bad news is that she is still sad. She said she still wanted to have her hair dyed and that she's already starting to miss plait.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

vidproducer wrote:

Your husband used your daughter to get back at you? Girl run. For both of you.

_MoodyBee wrote:

Seriously. That level of pettiness at your own kid’s expense is a huge red flag. Poor kid doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle.

sofiadreamydew wrote:

I’D BE IN JAIL. You mess with my kid just to spite me?? That’s not petty, that’s straight-up cruel. I don’t care if it’s “just hair,” that’s a fkin innocent child, not an emotional punching bag.

Lisa_Knows_Best wrote:

Can you ever trust your husband alone with your daughter again? He used her to punish you. Think about that. Now she's upset because she was too young to understand the results of shaving her head. Your husband is disgusting.

OP responded:

Oh, I'm definitely thinking about it. I'm going to pack up some of our daughter's things and take them to my parents' house. I won't let her be around him until this whole thing calms down.

GoddessfromCyprus wrote:

What on earth. He was getting back at you? Has he behaved this way before? Will he do it again in my worry? How far would he go? I'm not sure what you can do about your daughters hair. Is their a singer or actress she likes that wears wigs to change her hair? If so, maybe show her to encourage her to try.

OP responded:

You see, the strangest thing is that I can't recall a single situation where he was this extreme. Did we ever argue or disagree on something? Sure. But he never used our daughter against me or became...like that.

It usually went "normal": a small argument, followed by an apology and a normal conversation. Literally, just a few days ago, I would have called him a good father and husband.

Beagle-Mumma wrote:

More like he's been playing the long game; waiting for his chance to get his revenge on you for all the years of those celebrations. I think his mask has slipped. Using your child as a pawn in an adult argument is reprehensible.

OP responded:

It would be even more crazy considering that we have only been to two celebrations together so far (they don't happen every year).