'AITA for being rude towards my MIL or is my husband the real AH?'
"AITA for being rude towards my MIL or is my husband the real AH?"
My mother-in-law insists on visiting my daughter every Saturday and Sunday usually between the hours of 1:30 and 3:30 pm. The problem with her chosen time slot is that this is the middle of the night for me. I'm a nurse and currently the breadwinner of our family. I work 12 hour overnights shifts beginning at 7:00pm ending at 7:30am every Friday Saturday and Sunday.
In contrast, my mother-in-law does not have a single obligation in her life. Arguably, she has not had a single obligation in the last 30 years. She chooses to come at the most inconvenient time for me.
I've never been a morning person, and am certainly NOT in the mood for any form of small talk immediately upon rising. Any dialogue between her and I is always initiated by her and met with short monotone responses.
A typical conversation between her and I will go something like this;
MIL: "Are you working tonight?"
Me: "Yes"
MIL: "Are they going to call you off?"
Me: "No" or "I won't know until 5:00pm"
MIL: "I hope you have a good night." or "I hope you get called off"
Me: "Thank you."
This is the same conversation I have with her every weekend. She should know the answers to those questions, but she's old, possibly senile. I get it.
It's my husband that really pisses me off. Anytime, I attempt to explain how his mother's desired visit time negatively impacts me, I'm told 1). Stop whining 2). Everyone is tired of hearing you bitch 3). No one cares 4). Other people work messed up schedules too. 5). Stop putting yourself on a pedestal. 6). She's old. Deal with it. 6). You're an asshole towards my mom.
So who is TA here, me, my husband or my mother-in-law?
And in before someone suggests that my daughter should visit her grandmother at her grandmother's house, that is impossible. My mother-in-law is a hoarder. Her house is disgusting. I do not want my daughter there.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Au5000 wrote:
NTA. But maybe your irritation is misplaced. Probably because you’re exhausted and wound tight with all the competing demands on you. You’re NTA for wanting quiet time when you get home from work. If you’re getting home after 7.30am are you actually getting up when she’s there? If so just tell her, sorry I’m groggy once I wake up so I’m not going to be chatty.
She’s not seeming to expect you to entertain her so your irritation might be misplaced. I can see her fixed schedule - likely related to her age and hoarding issues - is irritating as might be her lack of prior working life.
As a nurse you may be able to understand the first one. As a working woman taking on the responsibility of raising a family as main breadwinner, you might accept that her luck in not having to do this is just that - luck and the times she was born into.
Your bigger problem is your husband. Why isn’t he gainfully employed? Why does he think it’s ok to be disrespectful, rude and unkind to his wife, the mother of his child who is keeping your family housed and fed? Need to have a serious conversation with him - best with a couples counsellor as he’s not listening to you right now.
itsjustme326 wrote:
It’s hard to believe you might actually be questioning if it’s your husband that’s an AH when you quote him as saying: “1). Stop whining 2). Everyone is tired of hearing you complain 3). No one cares 4). Other people work messed up schedules too. 5). Stop putting yourself on a pedestal.”
No one should talk to you like that, especially not the man you’ve chosen to share your life with. I’m sorry your MIL doesn’t respect your schedule, but given that you’ve already expressed it to her and she’s possibly senile, it’s on your husband to set this boundary and not treat you like crap over it. NTA, of course.
dymetex wrote:
So your husband is home, with your child while you're asleep right? why are they waking you up when she visits? NTA. they need to let you sleep, is there any reason you can't just sleep while she's there?
What does your husband do? you're breadwinner, does he just work a less lucrative job? or is he SAHD? Maybe he should find a way to pay bills without you having to work 12 hour overnight shifts every weekend if he has such an issue with your wanting sleep.
Key_Passenger1774 wrote:
You’re MIL and husbands are AHs. Neither care about your well being at all. I would gently explain to both of them (wouldn’t be the first time, I’m sure) the impact this has on your physical and mental health. Simply say that you are not going to be available during these hours.
Ask MIL to come by a couple times during the week and y’all might be able to build a great relationship. If neither is willing to work with you then you should just be blunt and find a way to tell them to f%!k off.
tagenero wrote:
You are kind of TA to yourself. Your husband doesn't seem to like you very much. Read back every thing you wrote that he says you you and ask yourself, if he was speaking to anyone else like that and you heard it, would you think he was a decent human? Your problem isn't a MIL problem. It's a husband problem.
International-Fee255 wrote:
NTA. Your husband is verbally ab#$ive. You realize if you left he would have nothing right? It's time to make your plan and get away.
I cannot imagine any situation where I would speak to my partner like that, especially one where my mother is waking them during their sleep. Please look up coersive control, you deserve a better life than this and your daughter deserves to grow up in a home where her mother is respected not degraded.