'AITA for being uncomfortable with my husband’s new friend? It feels like more than friendship.' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for being uncomfortable with my husband’s new friend?"

Okay context. A few months ago my husband Steven became friends with this girl Anna. He hangs out with her a decent amount of the time (once a week to every other week ish which is decent given our work schedules). I have never met her nor have I been invited to. It’s been mentioned that she wants to meet me however plans are never made and I’m not invited when he goes.

He says he’s also hanging out with her boyfriend but again, I’ve never met these people. A few things that really rub me the wrong way. He’s been doing a lot for her and gave her our space heater (which I have no problem with him being helpful or kind but it seems that he tries to solve it whenever she has an issue).

I asked about donating the Nintendo switch that we literally never use and has sat in a drawer for years to a child in need and he said no because he told Anna she could “maybe she could borrow it sometime” and he can’t go back on his word that she could “maybe borrow it sometime."

HOWEVER he promised an incredibly close friend of mine that she could for sure have our old XBox as a Christmas gift and he’s fine going back on that for me to donate that instead. Also every single time we’ve gotten in a fight since he met her he’s stormed out the house and run to her place.

He does not return for HOURS and does not contact me at all while he’s gone. I only know where he is because we have iPhones and I have his location. After making a HUGE deal about spending Christmas with me he spent less than two hours with me and went to a party with her that I wasn’t invited to and was gone all afternoon/night.

I spoke to him about all of these points and said I was uncomfortable and he swore nothing was going on but apparently turned right around and told her what we talked about. Because “she’s my friend of course I told her!!”

And a) this makes him more sus like you got your stories straight and b) now it’s gonna be weird with me and her if we meet not that I even want a relationship with a female who runs to MY husband every time she has a problem. He has other female friends whom I adore and does none of this s#$t with them so this is not just me hating other women or some dumb s#$t.

Am I crazy for being uncomfortable? Especially considering he doesn’t tell me what they talk about but immediately turned around and told her about a private conversation he and I had? Last thing I found out today she’s single, apparently she dumped her boyfriend last night. Guess who she came to first?

The internet had a lot to say.

Acceptable_Hat_7260 wrote:

Not a relationship expert but I think you do what’s happening or about to happen, you just have to be prepared for it.

OP responded:

I don’t want to cost him a good friend but the fact that he doesn’t see the inappropriateness of this whole situation is both wild to me and making me second guess myself.

OOP needs to contact Anna's boyfriend to get his side of the story

OOP: A couple of people have mentioned that but I don’t even know his last name. The one and only reason I have to not do that if I could find his info is that the story I got about their break up is that he went psycho. Note just I’m mad at you, but a true mental health episode/crisis. If that’s true I don’t know if I’d be putting her in danger by asking. And I know that’s not my problem but as a victim of both domestic violence and intimate partner violence (NOT WITH MY HUSBAND) I’m unwilling to put her in a position to be physically harmed regardless of what she’s done or not done to me

[deleted] wrote:

If we say YTA will you magically be okay with everything? Read your post again and if you can't spot a red flag then you're hopeless.

OP responded:

Hi, I already got the answer I needed, but my post was deleted months ago and I just reposted it because I had an update.

For the original post I knew what was happening was wrong, but he had spent so long gaslighting me and making me feel crazy and like everything was my fault that I just really needed an outside perspective. He really isolated me from my family and friends, and I didn’t have anybody that was on my side at the time.

alomaloma wrote:

Oh my lord this is a disaster. He's gaslighting you. Everything you've mentioned is reasonable and yet instead of discussing it with you and having real conversations about something that his own wife is concerned about, he brushes it off, deflects, or ignores.

You can't reason with him because he doesn't want to reason. He wants to have his own way and doesn't want you to ever know that in his heart he loves this woman more than he loves you. Marriage. Counseling.

OP responded:

Hi, there won’t be any marriage counseling. I begged for a really long time to do it and he always had a reason why Not too and only ever says that he’ll do it when I am actively telling him I’m done and wanna leave.

But then has never actually followed through on that. But if you check my post history, you’ll see the update to this post so we are just gonna straight up get divorced at this point. I’m done with the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse.

Six months later, OP shared a major update.

Okay so the other day Steven (28M) was supposed to see his grandma and then hang out with Chuck (28M) and Marvin (30sM). That was the plan, he was very specific about what he was doing and with whom. He was going to go to Chuck’s house and then he, Chuck, and Marvin were going to delta pizza to play pool.

Steven texted me (26F) multiple times saying that this was still the case. This is just one example. Steven also repeatedly said he wanted to watch a movie with me and would be back early so when he still wasn’t home at 7 PM, I checked his location just to see if he was on his way back.

I literally didn’t suspect anything. I just wanted to see if he was on his way back and I didn’t wanna call him and bug him in case he was still with his friends. When I checked his location and said he was at Anna’s (20sF) place so I texted him and I was like are you with Anna and he said no.

Insisted that he wasn’t with her and didn’t see her. And I’m like well. Your location shows that you’re at her place and he said he was just going to “pop in and say hi.” I mapped it and Anna’s place is over 20 miles away from the place he said he was hanging out at so who’s gonna drive over 20 miles just to pop in and say hi?

And I kept saying it was weird like I wouldn’t have cared if he had just texted me and said oh hey I think I might pop in and say hi to Anna before I come home but instead he waited for me to find out he was there and then say something, and he kept insisting that he never saw her and didn’t talk to her because I texted him before he could even get out of the car.

And I said well you still could’ve texted and he said I “didn’t give him a chance” to because I hit him up before he got out of the car and I’m like it was a 20 mile drive you had plenty of time to tell me that you were going over there.

And he got whiny with me and was like “I was with Chuck and Marvin literally all day doing exactly what I said we were doing and I never saw Anna and if you don’t believe me, you can ask Marvin or Chuck.”

And I’m not gonna ask them, I’m not that girl. I’ve never been that girl. I’m not gonna call your friends and check up on what you were doing. But I went to dinner with Kara the other night and Marvin is her brother and she’s really good friends with Chuck and I found out that Anna was with them literally all day.

He picked her up first thing in the morning, brought her over to Chuck‘s house hung out with her there, then brought her to delta pizza and she was there the whole time that he, Chuck, and Marvin were playing pool. So at 7 PM when I checked his location and it said he was at Anna’s place it’s because he was taking her home.

And he specifically asked Chuck and Marvin to lie to me and say that Anna wasn’t there if I were to ask. So at this point, I don’t believe that he’s not cheating, but even if he isn’t, I don’t care anymore because he lied to me again. all he ever does is lie to me and then he swears he’ll never do it again and then he does.

And I can’t spend the rest of my life like that. That is absolutely the last time he will look me in the eye and lie directly to my face. So I’m done. I am filing for divorce. He doesn’t know that I know and I am going to play dumb and keep it that way until I can get my ducks in a row. Any advice would be appreciated

ETA: because SO many people keep saying it (rightfully so I just can’t reply to every single comment) I had an STI and pregnancy test (I’m two months late) done the morning after I found out. Pregnancy test was negative. Waiting for STI results. Dr isn’t open over the weekend so can’t expect anything till next week.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Sarcasm_and_coffee wrote:

Get all ALL the evidence. Texts, deleted texts, DMs, phone records, location info, all of it. The day you have him served blast them both all over social media and tag his mom. Burn that bridge to aaaaaaaassssshhhhhh.

OP responded:

As much as I would love to do this, he constantly deletes his text messages. And then he delete them from the trash, so they’re not recoverable. I thought about reaching out to the cell phone carrier, but he has an iPhone and the messages that he was deleting were on iMessage. I do believe that there’s probably some stuff on Facebook messenger, but I don’t know how to get into his Facebook account.

Sarcasm_and_coffee responded:

We don't know if he's having an affair, he's as you said deleting all messages, getting his friend to cover for him and besides confronting Anna which she would probably lie anyways there's not a lot you can do. The biggest thing here is that he's lied to you on multiple occasions now, he's being secretive and getting his friends to cover for him.

Whether he's having an affair or not (all roads lead to that he is) he's lying to his wife, someone he's promised with vows, which is a huge red flag and a deal breaker and it's a downhill slide from here.

Get your things in order especially finances and file for divorce without telling a soul AND THEN serve him papers. Let him do what he wants and keep a record of everything moving forward. Also update us when you serve him!

OP responded:

He knows I know now 🙃

tiger_dense wrote:

If you rent, have one of you removed from the lease. You may be able to be removed if you tell your landlord you’re being ab#$ed (you are, mentally). Give the Nintendo to your friend. If he asks about it, play dumb, the way he has with you.

Reconnect with family and friends. He assumes he has you locked down. Make sure you’re gone or have changed locks when he’s served. In your shoes I would have him served at work. At A’s place would be better, but likely more difficult to time.

OP responded:

He works from home so that’s not a possibility. I told my dad everything yesterday and he said that in our state we have to be legally separated for a year before we can divorce. I just want to be done and gone.

Jackrabbits4ever wrote:

NTA, Once trust is broken, why bother trying to fix it.? Once.lost, trust is never fully regained.

OP responded:

That’s where I’m at. I don’t trust you so we have literally nothing. He just gets so whiny and weepy and sometimes suicidal when I bring up separation and so that has guilted me into staying in the past, but I am absolutely done now.

QuelinQT wrote:

Make sure you don’t tell him anything or act differently. Talk to a divorce lawyer for advice. Unfortunately, think about what he’ll hide or cut you off from when you file. If you think he’ll take it well though, you can suggest self filing or mediation, faster and cheaper. Do you think he will hide money?

Do you know where all the accounts are so you know for sure how much money her has? Are there accounts any in his name only? Joint accounts that aren’t really joint that maybe he just put you as a user? Is there any joint stuff that you have that is under his account or password?

Think non money stuff here too, like photos, or filing your taxes (perks take 100% of a return or file for someone and steal it. Home security systems, etc. Do you think he has any hidden debt or do you think he’s hiding any other big secrets? If you have joint bank accounts, start a solo one now and start putting money into it. Just assume he’s going to screw you over.

Do everything up front to avoid it, and unfortunately pulling money out of joint bank accounts and spending it is very common. Get all your personal documents, copy your tax returns, and also get some cash just in case. Depending, you may want to set up a credit freeze of you think he’s the kind of AH who will open accounts in your name. Also, get a password manager and change all your passwords.

OP responded:

He has a lot of ways to screw me over because he completely isolated me from my friends and family. And last year I was really sick and he convinced me to leave my job and then we did IVF and I spent all of my savings and maxed out my credit cards doing that and he didn’t contribute at all even though it was his fertility issues that was stopping us from having a baby.

Then I went to teaching last fall, but I wasn’t making that much and since I haven’t been working over the summer, I’ve been using what teeny bit of savings I did have just paying off debts and day-to-day expenses. The apartment is in both of our names. I am on the lease so he can’t legally kick me out but he pays the rent rn and the car is in his name only