'AITA for being upset my friend planned a surprise birthday brunch then charged me later?'

"AITA for being upset that my friend planned a surprise brunch for my birthday and then charged me for my meal later?"

Backstory: For my birthday, my two closest friends surprised me for a brunch. I was dropped off at the restaurant with no idea what was happening, and they were there waiting. We did a brunch special (food + unlimited mimosas), they got me flowers, a small cake, and a gift, and later we got ice cream. One friend paid the bill.

Two weeks later, she Venmo charged me $53 for my brunch and ice cream without saying anything beforehand. That’s what bothered me. To me, if something is a surprise, it’s generally assumed you’re not paying unless it’s communicated upfront. It wasn’t about the money and I don’t mind paying. It just felt weird to plan a surprise and then silently charge me after.

I brought it up and said I was okay paying my share, but that it threw me off that she never mentioned it. She got defensive, said she “forgot” to pay for me, that I shouldn’t have expected it to be covered, and that I was being entitled and ungrateful since she already did a lot (gift, flowers, traveling to see me).

She also said paying for a surprise is “subjective.” I genuinely was grateful and never was trying to ask for more. I just think if you plan a surprise, you either cover it or communicate expectations ahead of time.

Charging someone for a surprise that you planned for them feels like giving a gift and then asking them to pay for it and it felt like she wanted the credit for doing something for me but wasn’t willing to actually fully take care of what she planned. To me that feels kinda off putting and not genuine.

We talked it out but she doesn’t see my side at all and says some people she asked agree with her. Is there a perspective I’m not seeing or did she probably lie about what went down? I think her wanting me to pay in the first place was already weird, but what makes me even more confused is that when we talked it out she doesn’t think she was wrong which is mind blowing to me.

And that when we talked it out she didn’t see where I was coming from when I feel like this is a worldwide unwritten rule/understanding when you plan a surprise for someone, regardless if it was for a birthday or something else.

I just feel like it’s hard to believe she doesn’t see what I’m saying, I feel like she knew it was wrong but just didn’t want to spend the money and because I brought it up she has to talk her way out of it. Is there a perspective I am missing or am I valid for being upset about this?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ErisianSaint wrote:

Polite society dictates this: if someone invites you to their house for a meal, you offer to bring something; maybe a bottle of wine or a dessert. But they pay for the meal. If someone invites you to a restaurant, they are offering to pay for it.

If they are NOT offering to pay for it, that needs to be stated up front, no matter how awkward. "Come for brunch, but we'll have to have separate checks." That way, if you can't afford it, you've got an immediate way out. Inviting someone to a birthday meal without the "pay for yourself" caveat is an offer to treat someone to a celebratory meal. Your friend is a mannerless clown. NTA.

LiveKindly01 wrote:

NTA. You don't commit someone to pay for something without telling them. If she wanted to 'surprise' you for your birthday, then she pays. You can't say SURPRISE! This will cost you $50!! If they thought it would be great to get together for brunch for your birthday, then they say 'hey, we thought it would be great to get together for brunch, does that sound good? Maybe at the abc restaurant?'

Then they've asked, gotten your agreement...then they can just do cake/gifts etc and not feel like they ALSO have to cover brunch.

But a surprise they drag you to, this is their cost. It was 'thrust upon you'. They pay.

annie-png wrote:

NTA, especially with her doing it two weeks later. It feels more like she suddenly needed some money and started looking for people to fleece. She's not going to understand your side because it doesn't benefit her to understand your side.

I'm a bit of a s***-stirrer, so I'd have specially asked the other friend "we're arguing about so-and-so, I'll send over the money, but I'm so confused. should I have volunteered to pay? I don't know, I feel so bad ):" sjdflkjsd Worst case, your other friend is a weirdo and agrees with the first friend, but still consoles you.

Best case, you've successfully s**t stirred >.>

It would also be a nice way to subtly make sure they didn't have a private prior arrangement to split it, and that she hasn't already gotten half the bill from the other friend...and to make sure people don't THINK she was so generous and paid for something she didn't.

allhailrosalinda wrote:

NTA. I wait tables and years ago I had a party of 12. It was a woman's retirement lunch. They all had split checks and none of them offered to buy her meal.

She came up to me when I was doing payments and said, "They all planned this, to take me out to lunch for my retirement farewell. 30 years at this company and not one of them offered to pay for my $20 lunch. It really hurts." She was almost in tears. I felt terrible for her, I told her I would comp it and she refused. I'll never forget that.

darlingmagpie wrote:

NTA and I would ask the OTHER FRIEND if she knew that she was asking you to pay.

This sounds like those stories you always hear of people trying to get really funny about split bills and trying to profit off of their own friends.

Wild-Association1680 wrote:

NTA and if she's saying anyone else agreed with her, she's either lying to you or lying to them.

This is the equivalent of buying a friend a gift, watching them unwrap it, and then invoicing them for it.