'AITA for telling my best friend he can’t be in my wedding after he made a comment about my job?'
"AITA for telling my best friend he can’t be in my wedding after he made a comment about my job?"
I (29M) am getting married in a few months, and I’ve been planning my wedding for about a year now. My best friend (30M) is supposed to be one of my groomsmen, and I’ve been really excited to have him stand by me on my big day.
However, there’s an issue with something he said recently that’s really bothering me. Last week, my fiancée (27F) and I had a small get-together at our place with a few close friends, including my best friend, who I’ll call “Jake.”
During the evening, we started talking about our jobs. I’ve been working as a software developer for a few years now, and I’m really passionate about it. Jake, on the other hand, works in sales and isn’t exactly fond of tech-related conversations.
At some point, I mentioned how I’ve been getting a lot of recognition at work and even had an opportunity to lead a few high-profile projects. Jake laughed and said, “It must be nice to get paid for sitting in front of a computer all day. I mean, anyone can do what you do. You’re not even really ‘working,’ just playing with code.”
I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am, and the comment felt disrespectful, especially coming from someone I considered a close friend. I tried to brush it off, but it kept bothering me.
I told him that what I do is a lot harder than it seems, and that if he didn’t get it, maybe he shouldn’t comment. Jake, of course, laughed it off, but I could tell he wasn’t taking it seriously.
The rest of the evening was a bit awkward, and I ended up feeling pretty upset. After a couple of days to think it over, I reached out to him and said that I no longer wanted him to be one of my groomsmen because of the way he disrespected my career. I told him that it wasn’t just about the comment—it was about how dismissive he was of something that’s been such an important part of my life.
Jake tried to apologize, but it didn’t feel sincere, and he acted like I was being overly sensitive. He said it was just a joke and that I shouldn’t take it so seriously. Now, he’s not talking to me, and mutual friends are saying I’m being dramatic. My fiancée is on my side, but I can’t help but feel conflicted. Was I too harsh? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He seems jealous because sales is a stressful job too and maybe he thinks your job is too easy even though I think coding is much more difficult.
ESH-what he said was disrespectful. Blowing you off was disrespectful. If you two were such close friends he deserved a conversation about your feelings and a chance to make it right. If after that conversation he still was dismissive then you remove him. You should know that removing him would probably be a relationship ending move.
NTA. Put some code in front of him and let's see him "play with it".
NTA, you need to grow a spine and not take disrespect from people and is he your best friend if he blatantly disrespects you and doesn’t think you work hard and that your job is a joke?
Honestly you both need to grow up and have a conversation and move on.If you cut him as a groomsman your friendship will be done for good.
Has there been a pattern of disrespect, and this is just the proverbial straw? The punishment seems overkill. Instead, you might explain it's the same as joking that salespeople don't do anything other than wine and dine their clients. Anyone can do sales - even teenagers!
Explain that it wasn't the comment itself that hurt, but the realization that he doesn't think your work has value. That work is a very important part of who you are and he greatly disrespected that. That's where to start instead of just throwing him out of the wedding!
ESH - he's an AH for the comment but think more serious talk between you two needs to be done. Now if it's the case this is the latest in long line of comments just disregarding your job from your apparent best friend than it's closer to you NTA and it's then questioning why is he in your life if he so dismissive of your job.
NTA -- The people in the bridal party are traditionally expected to be your closest, most supportive friends. When Jake disrespected your career, he showed that he was not a supportive friend, and you were right to kick him out of the bridal party. You don't need that negative energy. IMO, Jake is a fake friend. He's jealous of your career, and he tries to bring you down because of it.
Personally, I get a little jealous every now and then, but I don't let it affect my friends by trying to push them down. Instead, I let it serve as energy to push me along in my own goals, or I ask my friend(s) for advice on how I can catch up to their 'greatness'. If I were you, I'd distance myself from Jake.
YTA. He's supposed to be your best friend. Maybe a conversation first before going nuclear?
I’m curious how the conversation went when you reached out to him about not being in the wedding party. If that’s what you lead with, “you’re out” then maybe he’s being defensive in return. If you reached out to him and told him what he said was uncool and it didn’t sit well with you and then he dismissed it. I get cutting him out of the wedding. He’s not your friend.
But no matter, you are where you are now. And if he’s not talking to you, then there’s nothing more to do. Move on and everyone else can stay out of it. It’s between you two. I’d say NTA, but I’d also say take this as a life lesson. Not everyone is your friend and is happy for you.
And I’d also say, remember how it sucks to be called dramatic and sensitive. Women get accused of this all the time. And it’s very hurtful. Support that lady of yours through all the times you may not understand her feelings.
Nothing feels worse than being dismissed as too emotional. And…this should be the happiest time of your life. If your friends don’t want to add to it, they need to go. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!