'AITA for saying my best friend is to blame because she cheated with my ex?'
"AITA for saying my best friend is to blame because she cheated with my ex?"
Hello, I’m Lily (25 F) dated a guy named Aron for 3.5 years. During this time, my ex cheated on me multiple times, which he thinks isn’t exactly cheating and won’t apologize for.
In 2022, we got pregnant and we wanted to keep the baby. However; I lost the baby, I suffered complications, from which I got very sick but luckily I got out from that situation. Right after I had just stopped bleeding, he left me saying that I’ll do better without him.
I felt devastated and had nowhere to go. We were studying in the same university in different majors. I used to see him lingering with other girls that he always told me not to worry about.
3 months later, he bragged to a mutual friend of ours that he made out with a girl and he’s living a great life. Our friend Alex met me right after hearing this from him and told me this. I asked if he knew who the girl was but Alex didn’t know as Aron didn’t tell him.
After hearing it I decided to cut Aron totally off, he asked for one last chance and I gave it to him. Since then to 2023 July, I kept asking him what did he do with whom. But he kept telling me fake stories that made no sense or literally “I didn’t do anything with anyone” with a nonchalant attitude.
I felt very confused and sad at the same time. One day, God knows what he felt and thought of, he confessed to me about making out with a girl but refused to tell me the whole thing. He didn’t even want to say who she was.
I asked for more details and somehow it still felt off. Suddenly, he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Nobody knows why, it’s just he doesn’t want to be with me and that’s all. I felt devastated once again. I wanted closure at least, which he refused to give me.
One day, he finally wanted to answer me. I asked about the girl he made out with, and he said that it was Alice, my best friend who already broke my heart once due to some other reason. My world shattered and I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked for more but he started keeping things vague.
I still don’t know a lot of things till today. He refuses to tell me the details. He also doesn’t want to apologize and thinks that what he did wasn’t exactly wrong since he broke up with me. We finally broke up on 2024 without getting any closure.
Note: He still used to sleep with me at that time and I allowed it since I was crazy about him and thought maybe satisfying him would make him stay. When I told everyone about it, I blamed Alice more than Aron since she was my best friend and I said that she has no ethics and standards at all.
She got furious and tried to reach out to me and I refused. Apart from his lies, Alice did confess to my other friends. Aron and Alice kinda blamed each other at first for revealing the truth but then they became friends again.
Alice got into a relationship with someone else. At first I thought my ex was framing Alice since he’s a liar. But Alice’s confession changed it all. I just don't understand, am I actually the AH here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Aron is obviously responsible for cheating, lying, and stringing you along, but it makes complete sense that Alice’s betrayal hurts more and feels worse. A best friend knows your pain, your history, and your vulnerabilities, and choosing to be involved with your partner crosses a line that has nothing to do with relationship labels or timing.
The fact that she later confessed confirms you were not imagining things, and you are allowed to cut off anyone who violates your trust at that level. Your reactions came from hurt and trauma, not malice, and protecting yourself does not make you the bad guy here.
Dizzy_Noir (OP)
Thanks! I blame both my ex and Alice, but on a 60:40 ratio. However, some of my friends said it’s wrong, since my ex had history of being promiscuous from the start, so he should have known the consequences before approaching Alice. But my feelings are stuck there.
I know his nature. But I could never imagine Alice being the girl behind all of this. She was even there when every time we had a fight, she’d fix things between us by speaking up to Aron. But there goes my friends, blaming 100% my ex, where I think Alice should have rejected him instead of getting along with him.
Alex likes to stir the pot. If you two were broken up for 3 months there's no reason Alex needs to rush to you immediately to tell you that your ex kissed somebody else. Kissed. If he gave an std to them that's important to know. Just kissing is nothing after 3 months.
You're TA to yourself and it sounds like you understand your mistake. You can't surrender yourself to make someone stay. They will just take what they want and leave you worse than when you started. That's not love.
Don't waste your time trying to get a cheater to acknowledge that they're a cheater. That's a hard mirror to look into. Just leave them and when they're alone maybe they figure it out, realize how shitty it is and do better in the future.
Stop trying to pull them to a place where they respect you, because they don't respect themselves. Move your focus somewhere else and find new people who make you feel expansive, nurtured, cared for and loved. Nurture and care for and love yourself too. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA but you really need to stop being with him. If i were you i would cut them both out of your life. At the end of the day if he actually loved and respected you he wouldn't be cheating on you at every chance especially with your ex best friend. As for Alice you need to cut her out too as a good best friend would never do that to you.
So please just cut them both out of your life you would do so much better without them. If you stay with him YWBTA to yourself, just saying. There are so many amazing people out there, you just need to find them.
ESH including A and A and you. Why you would return to someone who treated you like that is a mystery. Yes your friend should have been honest - it's the deception - not the sleeping with him that is the problem. And lastly "wanting closure" is self delusion. What you want is validation and it's not going to happen. Walk away.