'AITA for informing my parents that my best friend kicked me out of his apartment' UPDATED
"AITA for informing my parents that my best friend kicked me out of his apartment?"
Sorry, bit of a confusing title but this is still fresh and I’m still dealing with things. I’m just using this to get this off my chest mainly, but if I can get some validation too, then that’d be good.
So I (21F) have been friends with (21M, Mike, fake name) for 16 years. We became friends officially in kindergarten but our parents were college friends.
I honestly can’t even call him a best friend, he’s like a sibling, and in a way we were raised as siblings. Group family holidays, sleepovers, family vacations on both sides. At one point we even all lived together for a year.
I’m saying this because I know some people will ask. No, there’s been no crushes or feelings on either side, AT ALL. We haven’t kissed, confessed feelings or had crushes. It’s been strictly sibling like, and im saying that now because of what Mikes girlfriend has been saying.
Me and Mike share an apartment together near campus as we both attend college together. Around 7 months ago, Mike met his girlfriend, (21F April, fake name). Now, I thought we got along okay, I’ve only met her a couple of times because she has anxiety, but I had NO problem at all with her until recently besides some minor things.
Sometimes, she would interject when Mike would call me his sister. It wasn’t always, but normally like “well, technically you aren’t siblings” which is 100% true, but it’s how we’ve viewed each other since we were kids.
So almost a month ago, my class got cancelled so I came home early, I walk in and right on the couch is Mike and April "being romanitc." I scream, run to my room and frantically yell at Mike via text. He apologised, said he thought I would be gone longer, I made him clean the couch, all good right?
No, April for some reason got upset, and felt that (her words) I did that on purpose (despite it never happening before) And that it was inappropriate of me to walk in on them. Again, this was in the LIVING ROOM, absolutely disgusting in my opinion but I moved on. Because it’s not a big deal, embarrassing, but nothing crazy.
Anyway, Mike has been stressed recently because April had been asking him to distance from me, I thought she was just embarrassed, which I’d understand, so I tried being friendly and apologised.
Well last weekend, Mike sat me down and basically said that I had to move out, because his girlfriend was upset with me living with him. I was FLOORED. I got so upset, I don’t think I’ve yelled and cried that much in my life.
The basics is that he doesn’t want me to, but he’s pressured from his girlfriend and he really loves her, so he wants to make her happy. He thinks that this shouldn’t change our friendship and that he’s just putting some distance between us.
See, if he had asked me to move out, I’d understand, okay yeah, maybe you want to take your relationship to the next level, okay. But it was a DEMAND. And not only that, he wanted to put space between our friendship.
It was so hurtful, I’ve known him for 16 years and that’s it? I’m gone for someone he’s known for 7 months?
I said he was choosing a short relationship over his sister, and that I don’t want him to contact me if he’s going to be like that, he said I was overreacting, but I called my parents and got them to pick me up
Literally thank god they don’t live far away, but like, what if they did? What did he expect me to do? Just sleep outside or something?
Anyway, I obviously had to tell my parents what was going on given they had to pick me up and I was an emotional mess. I told them everything, which caused a bit of an arguement when they went to pick up some of my things the next day.
They called Mikes parents and kind of chewed them out a little, and from my understanding they called Mike and did the same. Mike messaged me to say that he was upset I couldn’t be ‘civil’ and that he feels like IM throwing away a friendship. I blocked him shortly after.
I’ve taken some time off classes but I’m so hurt and upset. It hurts that he could just throw me away so easily. I don’t think I did anything wrong telling my parents, but I think it may have crossed a line when they phoned Mikes parents.
Like I said previously, our parents are really close, and it’s kind of messed with their friendship now. His parents have been really kind and apologetic, even though it’s not their fault, and a part of me feels like I made this into a bigger mess? Sorry if it’s a bit chaotic, I’m on phone and still a bit emotional.
Also, I know I didn’t have to leave, me and Mike both pay an equal amount of rent for the apartment, but I didn’t want to stay in a place that I wasn’t wanted. It would have just made it difficult and worst case scenario, he’d leave which would have put a financial strain on me.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the initial post:
NTA. Are you also on the lease? If so, contact the landlord to see if you can get off the lease and have the friend be solely responsible for rent.
Sad-Mistake8919 OP responded:
Thank you, my parents said the same thing I just haven’t had the energy. I paid my last one this month, and from my understanding he wants April to move in, so I think it’ll be switching. Although I haven’t done it before so I’m not sure.
You need to call yourself and figure it out. Typically landlords don't just allow people to switch out. Also if you're smart, you will not allow her to live there while your name lease is on the lease. If anything happens at the apartment you're on the hook not her.
Honestly at this point you need to be a b%$# to protect yourself. You need have the landlord check the apartment and get your portion of the security deposit back. Then April needs to add her name and pay her portion.
That way if anything is damage you aren't on the hook. As long as your name is on that lease your liable so if she goes crazy and trashes the place instead it affecting her it affects you.
Sweetie. Go back to YOUR apartment. And you tell Mike that he can get out since he is the one with an issue.
Edit from OP after reading the commenhts:
I read you all loud and clear, thank you for waking my a%$ up. I’ve talked to my landlord, she said that she was uncomfortable with April moving in because she doesn’t know her. I understood, so I am moving my a$# back tomorrow.
I unblocked Mike and informed him, I explained that until our landlord says otherwise, I’m staying. Either he can leave and get a new place and keep paying the rent, or we can end our agreement together, and if our landlord agrees they can start one. He replied ‘okay, we can talk about it tomorrows’ so, we see.
THANK YOU all so much for getting me up and going. I really had no idea how serious this situation could be until you all let me know how stupid I was being. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable I’m not wasting my money.
Update from OP 2 days later:
Thank you all for the amazing advice. I was hesitant to even upload on Reddit but I’m really glad I did. I honestly can’t believe how naive I was and you all probably saved me a lot of trouble 😭
So, onto the update. I came back to the apartment yesterday morning. I let Mike know beforehand and asked if April not be there so we could talk alone.
Mike was quite emotional and apologetic which surprised me a little. I found out a bit more information that makes a bit more sense now. Mike has been under a lot of pressure for awhile now to drop me, he thought that me moving out and distancing himself would be enough to appease April while still keeping our friendship.
Obviously he didn’t expect me to take it the way I did (although what other way would I take it?) and he didn’t expect me to leave that day. I mean yeah, he didn’t specifically say “Pack your s^%$ and leave now”, but saying “you need to leave”.
And saying that he wanted distance over our 16 year relationship out of nowhere makes me feel like I couldn’t have just gone to bed normally, you know?
I’ve read everyone’s comments so many times, I’ve drilled it into my head, so as much as it hurts, I’m keeping my distance from Mike at the moment. The fact that he never once told me about April wanting him to not talk to me, and he didn’t even consider my circumstances before asking me to leave (where else could I go?) It’s not a definite end of our friendship, but I’m not feeling pretty positive.
Anyway. he’s apologised, he said that he missed me while I was gone and that he knew he f^%$ed up after he told me to leave, but that he just wanted to make April happy since he could see a future with her.
April has lost her s(*& (to put it mildly) and she threw up a storm in the lobby of our apartment last night. Mike refused to let her in, which understandably made her lose her s%$# even more.
TONS of colourful words thrown about on both ends. Im a ‘homewrecker’ a ‘whore’ a ‘b%$#’, which is laughable. Anyway she’s not to be allowed into our apartment now period, at least until he decides on their relationship.
Mike has been pretty upset today, he wants space from April because he said that he wants to end the relationship. VERY surprising but I’m cautiously optimistic, since I’m not sure how willing he’ll be.
We’ve had a bit of a heart to heart. Regardless of how upset and hurt I am, he’s my brother, I’m trying to be a b$#@ like I wanted too when I moved back in, but it’s so hard when he’s all mopey and sad. I told him that if he continues seeing her, I’m putting some distance between us respectfully to avoid this happening again, he said he doesn’t want that.
I talked with my landlord before moving back, she didn’t want April moving in as she doesn’t know her, she was a bit upset that this situation was happening as she didn’t want ‘drama’ which I understand. I’ve moved back and Ive discussed the lease with Mike. We renew in September (or that was the plan) so now we’re deciding on how to go ahead.
I feel like it’ll be best for me to get my own place. Maybe this was long overdue to be honest, although Mike is saying that he wants us to continue being roommates next year, so we’re discussing this at the moment.
It’s not really a super dramatic update but at least the leasing issue has been solved. I’m not being kicked out or leaving until our lease is done, April isn’t coming over for the foreseeable future. Only issue right now is my relationship with Mike.
It’s VERY awkward in the apartment. You can tell somethings changed, he’s been trying to be friendly like we were before all of this, and he’s apologised a lot which I appreciate. BUT I’m finding it a bit difficult to move on and go back to normal. I’m not being a b*&^% or mean, just slightly distant.
Anyway, that’s the update, I really want to thank you all again for making me realise how serious this could be, I honestly had no idea that you couldn’t just switch who was renting which is so embarrassing 😭
Also, to that one woman in my dms and comments spam messaging me you’re insane. I don’t know who hurt you but get a life please. This isn’t even that serious.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Did mike break down and explain how he changed from “seeing a future with her” to “wants to end the relationship”? Understanding his reasoning process may help to rebuild trust and demonstrate maturing of Mike.
Was it the tantrum? Damage to the friendship? Damage to the relationship with his parents and your parents? If he was older and wiser, i think: the insecurity of April; the inability to communicate, negotiate and resolve conflict would be relationship red flags.
Sad-Mistake8919 OP responded:
He said that it was the few days that I was gone and had him blocked. That it put into perspective how much he missed me and that he imagined the next 30 years of his life like this. I’m not entirely sure, even I was surprised by the switch up, because even I thought that there would be drama between us when I came back.
Mike needs to learn to drop anyone who tries to come between him and a healthy familial relationship.
As a mom, I like you two being roommates because you're less likely to have trouble with aggressive men. I'm a girl mom and think of these things.
For Mike, its a great way to judge is the woman he is dating is psycho. :-/
Sad-Mistake8919 OP responded:
Honestly that was one of the main reasons why we moved in together when we started college! Mike and my family was worried about me having a place to myself, and Mikes parents wanted me to keep an eye on him.
Sounds like he realized that he majorly screwed up and has straightened himself out. You’ll refund your balance and ease again.
While reading your post, all I could hear in my head was the voice of my mother-in-law. She had SEVEN boys before getting her tubes tied in ‘68. Whenever one would start acting against their nature over a woman, she’d look at me and ask: is her pussy made of gold??? LOL I miss that woman.