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'My best friend's fiancée is jealous of me and wants me out of his life.' UPDATED 3X

'My best friend's fiancée is jealous of me and wants me out of his life.' UPDATED 3X

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"My (F23) best friend's fiancée (F22) is jealous of me and wants me out of his life. He broke off the engagement. How can I help reassure her and calm him down?"

PelicanDom

Hey all! So, here's the backstory. I've been best friends with this guy that we'll call Troy (23) since we were in eighth grade. All throughout high school, we hung out together with our other mutual best friend, Adam.

All three of us hung out quite a bit and did nearly everything together. In high school, we had our fair share of losses and trauma. There was a point where both Adam and Troy stayed at my house for a couple of months prior to college due to home problems so I think we got closer than usual friends because we learned to lean on each other so much.

Fast forward to college and all three of us went to different colleges but we would all FaceTime each other every other day. Leaving our families and each other was rough for us and we had developed a sort of codependency on each other in high school and our continuing communication every day didn't help the situation but we were coping.

Come sophomore year Troy started dating his now fiance, Emily. They get on well and are a great couple, I'm very happy for them. From the beginning, Troy was very clear that I was just a friend and that he tells me and Adam everything.

She was alright with it as far as I knew at the time. So it wasn't uncommon for us to hear about his relationship problems and fights they were having. When Adam and I went to visit him and met her for the first time she was very kind to us, albeit a little awkward but that's understandable.

Whenever we would visit him he would kind of ignore her and hang out with us exclusively and we pointed that out to him but he always dismissed it as he saw her every day and us maybe once every six months. I let it slide because it wasn't my fight to fight.

I think it was our visits and his neglect of her that started her bitterness towards me. Years went by though and now they're engaged. Adam was chosen as the best man and I'm meant to be a groomsman in his wedding.

A few months ago our best friend Adam committed suicide expectantly. Troy and I were (and still are) devastated. It came out of nowhere and we blame ourselves even though we know it's not our fault. I live alone in an apartment and expressed to Troy that I was distressed and lonely especially due to the COVID lockdown.

Troy dropped everything to come live with me for a few weeks as we dealt with our grief and could talk to each other about it. We're both in therapy right now for grief. A week ago, Troy got a call from Emily that she wants him back at their apartment now because she doesn't trust him with me.

She went off that he was cheating on her with me and that he should be choosing her over me. He got upset with her and basically told her he was grieving and she didn't understand what he was going through but that I did. It came down to a point where Emily gave him an ultimatum and said that Troy could either choose me or her.

He said it was unfair of her to make him choose between two important people in his life and that if she can't understand that he needs me then maybe they weren't meant to be together. She was hurt by that statement and told him she needed to cool off and think. So they hung up.

Today Emily texted me asking if I had feelings for him and I said no. She then called me and asked if I loved him and I told her yes but as a brother. I'd do anything for Troy. She told me if I did love him I would take a step back and let her have him.

I told her that this is a conversation she needs to have with him and that I'm tired of being in the middle of it. She got angry with me and hung up and I immediately told Troy about my conversation with her. He called her and broke up with her.

I think it was hasty and emotional and I'm trying to talk him out of it but I'm not sure what else I can do. Can you all give me some advice? I feel like this is my fault for asking him to come stay with me.

​Later that day, the OP returned with an update.

Hey all! It's been a few hours since I posted this and I didn't expect to get all these responses. Thank you all for your input, it's really helped me get some perspective.

I've been told that my relationship with both Troy and Adam was detrimental to the rest of the relationships and I was taking steps to fix that but with Adam's death and the COVID stress, all the lessons I've been learning kind of flew out the window.

That's no excuse for how I've been behaving. Troy is a dear friend and I've been sabotaging his relationships with other people unknowingly. That's not fair to him or to the people in his life. I've considered Emily a friend too since I've met her but I haven't been a good friend to her either.

Since I've posted this Troy broke down about his breakup and regrets breaking up with her. He texted her and they agreed to try to talk things out in a couple of days when they have both had time to consider everything.

I showed Troy this thread and he got to hear what you all were saying too so hopefully that helps. He and I agreed we need some space apart so he will stay at my apartment and I'm staying on the couch of a coworker.

Again thank you all for your input for those who supported me and those who called Troy and me out on our behavior. Hopefully, with our continued therapy and eventual boundaries, we can maintain a healthy friendship as well as have healthy relationships with other people.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:

NapsAreMyFavorite

I don't think there is anything you can do here. If I'm Emily, I am seeing my fiance - my future husband - in a "codependent" relationship with another woman, whom he tells everything about our relationship, who regularly ignores and abandons me to hang out with her when she visits, and who literally moved in with her during his grief.

How can she be his wife when he turns to you, exclusively, to the point of moving in with you, when he needs support? This is not a man who is ready to marry. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I'm just saying: he clearly doesn't want her in the wife role. If I was her, I would have skipped the ultimatum and just dumped him. It's obvious she can never come close to the role you play in his life.

CanadianAnonymous

I'll say it: these are hyper obvious boundaries OP has no problem trampling all over. She knows he tells her things he won't tell his SO. She knows he abandons his fiancée in favour of her.

She knows moving in with someone's fiancée is not cool. You'd have to be denser than Osmium to not see that these would be huge issues. I don't think I believe OP when she says she has no feelings and Troy most certainly has feelings for OP. I don't think I believe OP when she says she has no feelings.

peachgrill

I have a male best friend and it caused issues in my past engagement because we chatted most days (he lives 2000 miles away, so we rarely see each other). My ex was extremely jealous of him because of our closeness.

I really can’t blame Emily in her position because he really crossed the line by moving in with you - I get the grief part, but that is beyond inappropriate and makes you more like his fiancée than Emily.

The fact that he ignores her when you are around is also extremely disrespectful, he should’ve tried to get you two to bond. It doesn’t sound like he is ready to get married to Emily, he shouldn’t have to choose between you two but his fiancée should also always come first.

Twelve days later, the OP returned with another update.

Hey all! I thought I’d just give you an update on what happened since I made my first post on here. A few hours after Troy broke up with Emily he broke down in tears and was miserable.

He regretted breaking up with her and texted her. They both agreed to talk to each other after a few days when they had the chance to cool off and think things through. I also texted Emily after I got some advice from a DM and apologized for everything and how I may have hurt her. She replied with thanks and that was it but that was alright. I needed to apologize to her.

That evening Troy and I were able to go over the comments from the original post and talk with each other. He and I agreed we needed some space from each other so that night I called up a coworker and asked if I could crash on their couch for a few days.

They agreed so Troy stayed at my apartment and I went to my coworkers. We didn’t talk for five days to give each other some space. That was really hard for me because I kept overthinking that Troy hated me and that he didn’t want me in his life anymore.

I was convinced that I was going to lose him and that made me miserable because we just lost Adam. But that was just anxiety speaking. He called me after a few days saying that he had spoken with Emily and that they were back together.

I was so happy for them and relieved. I wanted to ask for details but I figured I had stuck my nose into their relationship too much as is so I didn’t ask and Troy didn’t say anything to me. He told me that I should come back to the house though and I asked if Emily was alright with that. He said yes so I moved back into my apartment.

When I got back to my apartment I asked him if he was going back to his apartment with Emily but he said no due to COVID so he’s going to stay with me for the next few weeks minimum.

Having had several days apart with no communication was something new for us so when we were together again we just talked about everything we had been thinking about. We talked about how much we missed Adam, what we could have done to help him, and how guilt we were both holding onto.

It also came to the surface that Troy rushed to my side when I asked him to because he was afraid that I was suicidal and he didn’t want to lose me either. I felt really guilty about that. I scared Troy and that was never my intention.

Then we just started talking about all the memories we had with Adam and that was really uplifting even if we were crying the whole time. I also told him how I was nervous during our separation time and he said he felt the same way. We laughed at that and agreed that we need to work on our independence from each other more.

The next day I got a call from Emily and answered it. She wanted to apologize for assuming I was with Troy and talk about the text I sent her. She and I had an emotional talk for a couple of hours but eventually, we saw where the other was coming from.

She often thought that Adam and I didn’t like her but that was only because he and I hadn’t properly included her whenever we were with Troy. However, at the end of the talk, we agreed that we should talk to each other more since Troy is significant in each of our lives.

It was good to talk with her and clarify everything. She is a super sweet and considerate woman and I think she’s perfect for Troy. I’d love to be her friend too. Troy and I are going to therapy and are working on our codependence and our grief counseling in our separate therapy sessions.

I’ve also started looking into a codependence group and I think I’ll start attending those meetings but since there’s just one in town Troy isn’t going to join because we don’t want to go to the same one. Emily also said that Troy and she are going to start couple’s therapy so when he moves back with her that is what they will be doing.

So that’s the update. Emily and Troy are back together, Troy will be with me for the next few weeks, and Emily and I started building our friendship. Hopefully from here on out, there will be more communication between those two and better boundaries between me and Troy.

Troy and I are willing to put in the effort and Emily is supportive of us so I’m optimistic. I’m sure Adam is happy that we’re moving forward together. If y'all have any more advice for me or any words of encouragement I would love to hear them.

Thank you all for your help with the initial post though. I don't think this situation would be getting better if you all hadn't helped Troy and me open our eyes. So thank you!

​The next day, the OP returned with their final update.

Wow! I did not expect the amount of hatred that this update post would receive. I thought the situation resolved itself positively. Y'all want Troy out of my apartment right away though.

So I told him that he should head home as soon as possible to be with Emily and he admitted that he did not want to go back to Florida because of the increase of the coronavirus cases and that he liked the relatively relaxed state of things here in my state.

I told him that he was being paranoid and that he would be alright if he quarantined once he got back - so not the most sympathetic thing I could have told him. But since he works from home anyway, he can quarantine without any issues.

He called Emily and they bought a plane ticket for him to head back in three days so he's leaving! Emily is excited to have him back and I'm glad that they can be back together again. If anything else changes or if there is anything else you all want to know just comment I'll update this post.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

87319496

Am I the only one who thinks the issue itself isn’t resolved whatsoever? I feel like you guys all talked about it without actually doing anything to fix it. The fact that he is going to continue living with you “for another few weeks at least” pretty much negates everything.

TyrconnellFL

I’ve also started looking into a codependence group and I think I’ll start attending those meetings. I get the idea, but someone putting a bunch of people prone to codependency together to work it out seems… misguided.

canniballswim

i feel like a lot of the commenters are glossing over the fact that OP and Troys best friend recently committed suicide. of course they’re not in the right state of mind and are going to make bad decisions. of course they want to be there for each other. some of these comments are downright cruel.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

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