'My best friend's husband went through my phone... and it ended our friendship. AITA?'
"My best friend's husband went through my phone... and it ended our friendship. AITA?"
For context, my best friend and I have been close for years - friends since we were little, went to high school together, being through all the ups and downs of life, I was her maid of honour at her wedding, we even have a couple matching tattoos together. She's one of those people I always thought would be in my life forever.
We've shared everything with each other, and I've always respected her marriage and kept things friendly with her husband. So much so that I was actually friends with him before they got together, there had been any times that we were there for each other and I consider him to always be one of my best friends! That's why what happened completely shocked me and has left our friendship in pieces.
One day, she and I went for a long walk to check out a new grocery store in town.(Yes in small towns we get excited about getting a new grocery store) I left my phone at her house because I like to unplug and be fully present with her.
About halfway there, she got a call from her husband saying my phone’s alarm was going off. I told her I didn’t have any alarms set, but he asked for my passcode so he could turn it off. Since I trusted them, I gave it to her to pass along.
When we got back about 3 and a half hours later,(like I said a long walk!) Once we got back, I checked my phone and could see that the alarm/clock app was still left open in the back ground since he did go into in and turn it off.
Then I seen that my phone was left on a different pages than where the alarm/clock app had been, which was my home page, where I always swiped to before locking my phone.
When I tell you that I always swipe to my home page before locking my phone, I mean I have some weird OCD tendencies to ALWAYS do this! If I forget I will open my phone again and do it, I cannot emphasize this enough that I ALWAYS DO THIS!
Then I noticed I had missed a call from my boyfriend and a bunch of Snapchat notifications from a work friends group chat. When I asked her husband if that’s what he heard going off, he avoided eye contact and vaguely said, “I don’t know, it was just some alarm sound.”
Later, at home, I told my roommate and her friend what happened. My roommate checked my phone’s Screen Time history, and that’s when things got really unsettling.
According to Screen Time, during the hours I was gone, my phone showed about 15 minutes in Snapchat, 15 minutes in my Photos, 10 minutes in my Google Photos, and 5 minutes in my text messages.
And only 15 seconds in the alarm/clock app. This was shocking — background apps don’t count toward Screen Time unless they’re actively open on the screen, so this meant he was actively in those apps.
I confronted my best friend about it. She immediately spoke to her husband, who came back with a bunch of inconsistent excuses — saying he only opened apps to stop the “alarm” and didn’t actually look at anything.
He claimed he opened apps with notifications, didn’t read them, then closed them all. But his story kept changing, and nothing explained why he was in my Photos at all (where there are no alarms or notifications).
When I pointed out the holes in his story and the Screen Time proof, she asked me, “Do you have proof he went through your photos? I just don’t understand why you’re so adamant that he’s lying.” That honestly broke me. I’d shown her the evidence, and she still defended him.
I asked for space after that and haven’t spoken to either of them in three months. I’ve since had to change my number due to phone issues, so she couldn’t contact me even if she wanted to. My boyfriend wants nothing to do with them — he believes her husband is a cheating AH and was looking for nudes.. He thinks that we’re better off without them.
I feel so heartbroken and betrayed, and I keep going back and forth on what to do. Should I try reaching out and attempt to repair this, or just cut my losses and move on?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Her husband was 100000% looking for nudes on your phone.
I would cut my losses and move on. Someday, she’ll probably admit to herself it was all true — but she’s clearly not there yet and she has made her choice. Reaching out will probably only make this more painful for you, it’s not going to help anything or suddenly make her realize she was wrong. Even if you came to some understanding, you’ll never be comfortable around her husband (for good reason).
If she admits her husband is a gross pig, she has to start her whole life over, divide finances, accept change and begin again. If she decides you’re a liar instead, she just has to make a new friend. She’s decided she will pay the price of living with a scumbag to avoid the discomfort of reality.
Maybe she will come back and apologize when he gets caught putting cameras in their bathroom or something. The kind of risk he took to dig in your phone signals the dude has a LOT of issues with controlling his proclivities.
He was definitely looking for something. When I worked at a call center in a bank, I had several people try to dispute charges that had been made using their cash app, paypal, Zelle, etc, all because they let someone use their phone.
They always lost the dispute btw. To say I would trust absolutely no one with my password is an understatement. Cut your losses, op. It’s a learning experience and could have been costly in a verity of ways.
I get how painful that is, losing a friend like that feels worse than a breakup She chose to ignore the obvious, and that says everything about where her loyalty is.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am sure your friend feels very complicated and is probably telling herself this story to convince herself her husband is still who she wants him to be — and telling herself that story means she must reject you in the process. I would give it time... if your husband did something really weird and creepy and invasive, you would probably feel really mixed up too...
Friendship is so important. And in long relationships, things will ebb and flow. There will be difficulties. The difference in long relationships is knowing that, in time, we can come back together... if that is something you WANT, I think it is worth staying connected to your positive associations of the friendship, and keeping the door open for when SHE wants to acknowledge the truth of the story.