'Best man is dropping out of my wedding because I don’t want to be friends with his girlfriend.'
"Best man is dropping out of my wedding because I don’t want to be friends with his girlfriend."
i (F30) ended a very toxic friendship with someone I met in college (F30) by stepping back and no longer reaching out to her about a year ago. the thing is, she’s my fiancé’s (M30) brother’s (M30) girlfriend. I have not lived a day on this earth since they met that I haven’t regretted setting them up.
She never reached out to me or followed up but would pout and sulk and refuse to acknowledge me when we were in rooms together. When we were “friends” she would treat me badly under the guise that I didn’t reach out to her enough, I was the bad friend who was hurting her and she was the good friend enduring my spotty texting habits, the horror.
Now I am getting married in two months, my fiancé’s brother was the best man and he is now saying he will not give a speech unless I sit down and have a conversation with his girlfriend about how hurt she was by my choice to step back from the friendship.
He says I ghosted her and handled the ending of the friendship in a cowardly way. When my fiancé said that his brother needs to treat me with respect in their family and around the wedding his response was that no, because of how I acted ending the friendship with his girlfriend I do not deserve respect.
I feel terrible for what im putting my fiancé through and sorry for myself that these people are so hell bent on controlling me for some reason. We are thinking of having someone else be the best man. I can’t believe this is all happening two months out from our wedding.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
Update for clarity: I can hear that the fade out was painful for her. I did not ghost in the sense that she never texted me or reached out in any way. In our friendship, the toxic behavior was that she would exclude me from our shared friend group, criticize me constantly about my clothes and hair etc and disrespect boundaries that I drew.
For example, she had asked to move in with me after being asked to leave her previous apartment and when I said no because my roommates were living there she stopped speaking to me for a year.
When I brought these things up as being painful for me she would cite my not texting first enough as a reason why her behavior is ok. I think I am going to have a sit down and say that I understand the fade out was painful but I was taking care of myself the best way I could and me and my choices have to be respected.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He's out. Replace the best man and have a great wedding.
I’d have your Fiancé tell his Brother “Okay, you’re out. But just to make it clear, I will not hesitate to tell people the reason being is because his GF had multiple opportunities to talk to OP about their friendship. She refused to acknowledge her presence when in the same room.
She tried to make OP feel bad that she doesn’t text all the time. Basically my Brother is not my Best Man and not apart of my wedding because his GF acts like a child, he enables it and we wouldn’t.”
To add: she demanded respect yet disrespected my wife, my relationship, my wedding. He supported her. As a result he has forfeited the right to stand by me on my wedding day. He may be a sibling but is not a brother.
He doesn’t think you deserve respect because you don’t want to be friends with someone from 5+ years ago. They can either move on or stay gone.
This isn't just about the wedding though. Let's say she married the brother. Then you will be sisters in law. You are going to be around each other at family events for the rest of your lives. You might as well try to find a way to coexist.
What your future brother in law is proposing is insane. Having her beat up on you for an hour won't help anything. Neither will an airing of the grievances where you both say how hurt you are. The counter offer is for the four of you to get a drink to create a new dynamic. You aren't going to be friends again. But you can be something else.
Bleh, sorry this is happening to you. Maybe a compromise would be to have FBIL set up a double-date for you all--something low stakes, like coffee? You could attempt a conversation, but then your fiancé would be there to back you up if this ex-friend and your FBIL start to act nasty. Definitely don't have a 1:1 chat with this woman, because who knows what will get back to the brother.
Let them go. If you don't this will be a constant problem for you. Emotional blackmail never works out and that is what they are BOTH doing to you and your fiancé. Never allow anyone to make you a hostage in their lives.
Your fiancées brother is whipped. She’s absolutely giving him a hard time just so she has some power and drama over your wedding. Let him miss out if he’s that desperate to get good boy points with her.
Your FBIL shouldn’t be involved. This is between you and your ex friend. You’ve decided the friendship is over. If I was you op I’d stay out of it. Make clear that FBIL’s choice to not be Best Man is between your fiancé and his brother. He doesn’t get to try to use you to created more drama. You’re right it’s about control. If they want genuine closure and to make amends extortion is not the way.