'AITA for not having my bf's back when him and our friend got into an argument?'
"AITA for not having my bf's back when him and our friend got into a huge explosive argument over something tiny?"
background: me & bf (Lc) been together for 9 years & our friend (winter) & i have known eachother awhile but we just started to be close recently. all three of us have been hanging out at her place non stop for the last month
one night i was in the shower & Winter had to pee so she knocked but i didn’t hear her so Lc told her to just open the door so i could hear her. she ignored him and kept knocking so he said it again, not sure if she had heard and she snapped at him “i was talking to her!!(me)” with a attitude out of nowhere
you know how they say “you can take the man out the hood but you can’t take the hood out the man” thats consistent with Lc’s personality lol. sometimes winter would be rude and he actually did rly good holding his tongue the few times this happened which i really appreciate...
him for bc usually he cant help but to call ppl out if they disrespect him in the slightest, but this was the first time id made a new friend in a long time and he knew i wanted things to be good between them. i knew eventually she’d push it too far though and he’d snap cuz hes not wrong, she really did get weird sometimes and say rude stuff.
so anyways she snapped at him, he was like “you not bout to talk to me like that” and she just doubled down and said “i was in an @busive relationship for 13 years, i’m not about to have someone in my house telling me what to do!!” long story short it turned into a huge yelling match.
i got out the shower and they both told me their side and i just was telling LC to calm down, because he’s a man that’s yelling and he can be really intimidating when he’s mad so im just crying and telling him to calm down please calm down please just stop etc.
and not really saying anything to winter cuz she’s the quieter one, even tho she was arguing back at him too, but i knew once he stopped she’d stop too. she was like “look what you’re doing to her” pointing at me crying, and kept insinuating that he was abusive to me or like he was gonna beat me when we got home
bc he was mad about the fight or something, which yea, that pisses me off too, cuz he had a reason to be upset, even tho he was yelling & going off on her, he’s not some abusive monster like she was trying to act like. she has some issues & trauma bc of her past abusive relationship that she was projecting onto him obviously.
now LC is mad at me because he feels i didn’t take his side in front of her & i showed her that i thought it was ok for her to talk to him crazy like that. &i didn’t correct her when she was insinuating that he treats me badly. he says he felt like we were ganging up on him & that i wasn’t just neutral but that i took her side.
but i was just overwhelmed by the situation & confused cuz it happened out of nowhere & i didn’t witness the start of it. plus im used to him ending up in fights with people so my first reaction was that he was overreacting, i still kinda feel that way now tbh even tho i do agree she started it. aita?
Let's see what readers thought:
colaolmset writes:
NTA. “you not bout to talk to me like that” This is a threat regardless of how he meant it. He could’ve told her to shut up, piss off, or whatever. He chose to escalate the situation with language that sounds more @busive than angry.
That is not a side you can take. If he genuinely isn’t an abusive person, he needs to realize that he looks the part. Not only were his words threatening, but he’s screaming them at a woman. How else should that be interpreted?
pla43 writes:
ESH-you guys all need to work on communication and healthy boundaries. It’s never ok to start screaming and yelling at each other. That’s not how you resolve issues. Your friend had a trauma response to a man yelling at her, that’s actually understandable if she was in an @busive relationship before. It made her hackles go up and she went into fight mode.
Your bf, I don’t know what his issue is but he doesn’t need to get loud and assertive just because he doesn’t like what someone has to say. My husband and I both came from households with an explosive parent, we’ve taken pains to keep that kind of energy out of our home. If we can’t talk without yelling, it’s time to cool off and go in another room or for a walk.
You need to have separate conversations with both of them about why their behavior wasn’t cool and they both hold some responsibility for that fight. Your bf didn’t deserve your support in that instance because he was just as much in the wrong as Winter was.
Even if you’re not worried your bf will ever become physical towards you, it’s still a good idea to get some counseling. Especially, if you ever want to have kids with this guy. Nothing can push your buttons faster than your own kid. Dealing with anger appropriately is essential to breaking generational cycles and being a good role model for your kids.