'I think my BF might be smacking me in his sleep on purpose. How common is this?' MAJOR UPDATE

Our gut feelings are there for a reason, even when we're wrong about an intuition, it can reveal a lot about what we're feeling.

"I think my BF might be hitting me in his sleep on purpose. How common is this?"

Two nights ago I got fed up after he smacked me for the third time after about one, maybe two hours asleep. I woke him and said if he keeps doing it he has to go home and suddenly it doesn’t happen the rest of the night or last night either. Maybe I’m overthinking it and he really does just flail his arms around in his sleep. But I’ve noticed he only flails the arm that’s on the side I’m sleeping on.

This has probably happened 10 times over 7 months but I’ve never really said anything until now. Has this happened to you before? Does your partner also accidentally smack you in their sleep?

He is a long person and could be used to laying his arms out and I’m just in the way but part of me wonders if it’s another weird control thing because he has a lot of issues with lying that we’re working on - then part of me wonders if I’m just so distrusting that I think he’s trying to hurt me even in his sleep. Do I sound paranoid? How common is this when sleeping with a guy?

The internet had theories.

NjopNjopNjop wrote:

I’ve never heard of that. Have you had an argument or diagreed on something the day before? Is there anything specific that happens on the days before the arm-flailing ensues?

OP responded:

It started noticing in a few months in when stuff got rocky and we were arguing a lot. We were together 6 months, off for a few and just recently got back together. He just started sleeping at my house again. We’ve been talking a lot about why he lies and he agrees he has issues with control.

The convos have been really good and I see him trying but I also imagine he probably feels vulnerable and more powerless with the talks we’ve been having. So I worry he could be pretending to be asleep and fERking with me as a dominance thing.

ApolloAuto wrote:

My girlfriend's arms float up to her head when she sleeps and in the middle of the night she drops elbows on me. Pointy elbows. She's cracked me in the nose and eye socket. With no clue she is doing it. These days we have a pillow buffer zone. Never happened since.

We've been sharing a bed for years now. She is not ab#sive. Just had to figure a way around it. Not saying this is exactly your case - just food for thought. Good luck.

OP responded:

That’s exactly what he does!!!!! Raises them above his head and smacks me on the way down or up. And I’m always cuddling closely, if I put a pillow it wouldn’t be a problem. I really think it could be accidental but it’s hard given the circumstances to sort out if I’m being manipulated or not. Thank you for the insight.

ApolloAuto wrote:

I guess a good way to test your fears is - does it happen when you're awake and he is asleep? I'm usually late to fall asleep, I'll be fiddling on my phone for a while before passing out. So, I've seen first hand, that she is cold asleep when it happens. Perhaps you do the same for a few nights? Watch some YouTube or whatever and watch it happen.

As for the other stuf , you need to decide if it's worth your time or not. It's easy to give advice from a distance, but I wouldn't pretend to know your relationship. Good luck with your experiment and come back with your results when you know, I'm sure lots of people would like to hear the outcome.

OP responded:

Yes always, that’s why I’ve noticed it so much. He sleeps early/ wakes early for work and I go to bed late, and sometimes take hours to fall asleep. He is always snoring and appears to be out but I have convinced myself that he could be fake snoring. So either he is a master manipulator or I am paranoid.

Obviously someone being manipulated would say this but I do think I’m being paranoid. I’ve seen this guy come over and sleep for hours in the middle of the day, he falls asleep at the snap of a finger, if I’m being logical there’s not way he has the ability to fake snore long enough to get away with hitting me.

OP added even more context in a long comment.

His brain is also recovering from dr#gs so it’s a complicated situation. I don’t want to fix him but if he’s going to therapy I would like to support him thru it, and he very recently got health insurance so he can go. I’ve seen him trying but the trust was broken so it’s hard to believe if he genuinely wants better, just takes time to see which direction things will go.

He was a few months sober when he moved in and he relapsed while we weren’t together, is 12 ish days sober now (hopefully). Overall I think the problem originally was he moved in directly from sober living with me, a new alc*holic in denial so it got very messy and codependent.

We probably shouldn’t be dating now either and should both be focusing on sobriety. He at least definitely isn’t going to move back in and I’m glad we’re both on the same page with that. We’ve only been back together for some days and are still seeing what happens.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

I told him about the post and said I think the real issue is that I’ve become this distrusting of him due to his lies and odd behavior. And what does he do to mend it? Nothing. I can’t change him or make him see the light. He stopped hitting me the next two nights but he kept doing other manipulative behavior.

He always stops replying or talking to me for days if I want to talk about heavy relationship stuff like questioning when he’s going to be able to pay me back the $1k he owes me. He lost his ID so he gave me $50 to go to the dispo for him which really hurt my feelings because he has money for frivolous things but hasn’t started paying me back at all.

I speak up on this and he shuts it down. I used to pay for everything for him so I was bringing up my worries about being used. He tells me he doesn’t want a relationship with constant communication - trust me I am not so clingy and texting him constantly, but when my feelings are hurt I do expect the issue to be discussed before we go to sleep each night and he doesn’t believe that’s necessary.

I want to add this convo happened on the first day of his days of work. He had no obligations making him unable to chat. Supposedly just at home playing video games. He believes it’s normal to not speak for days so I will forget the issue and keep my mouth shut. Whenever he does decide to talk again we never discuss the issue and we only make up if I let it go and shut up.

He’s repeatedly given blanket apologies with no detail, remorse or responsibility and I stupidly accept it. He always says “I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say”. I’m done. So many guys out there and I’ve for some reason thought this was the only “love” I’m good enough for.

Absolutely done. I’m moving on the first and he is never coming into my new home. Thank you guys for helping me see that I’m better than this and it’s not my fault that I can’t change him. It was never love just dependency and dominance. Mostly typing this for myself. I'm DONE. If I want better I can have better. If I want to be trash I can stay with trash.

The comments came rolling in.

shinynew wrote:

Girl wtf. This guy wants a bangmaid who funds his lifestyle. He doesn't want a partner or a relationship. He just wants to f#$k whenever he wants and play video games while someone else foots the bill. He's ab#sive in many ways, it seems. I'm glad you're finally starting to see that you deserve better - someone who treats you like a human being instead of an ATM.

OP responded:

It’s crazy cause I wasn’t even a bangmaid. I don’t think he was s#xually attracted to me. He barely wanted s#x and had issues staying hard/ c*mming. I tried to figure out if it’s me, asked about k**ks, tried to solve it. He recently said he might be as#xual but he was paying for tinder/ hinge a couple months into dating and was recently f#$king his other ex again too, so feels like he wasn’t s#xually satisfied.

Idk maybe he viewed me more as a mom. Definitely didn’t treat me like a partner. LOL it has been almost a year total of this! He first left me on Christmas Eve and ignored me for months and came back with a huge blanket apology! It’s been on and off since then! He took months to admit to still using fent@nyl!!

He already gave me g#nital h#rpes and lied to me about not having slept with anyone since we’ve been together when he’s been sleeping with the same girl again that he got herpes with originally thru a threes0me! This guy is a d#$king joke it’s far more than a few minor hiccups. He’s a lying add*ct that has no desire to change. He has to hit rock bottom on his own time.

SerialWallflower wrote:

Good for you to move on. Don't expect him to repay you, but the money lost isn't worth your physical and emotional wellbeing. Don't look back. Bravo, OP!

OP responded:

I accepted it as gone a while ago. Super nuts of me to keep hanging out with someone knowing they will never pay me back. The more I thought about it I started realizing how weird the situation is.

anonposterqa wrote:

Don’t give him your new address and take steps to be safe and secure at the new location. Check your stuff and any cars and phones/computers for trackers and spyware.

It might seem out there, but the behavior he has already displayed goes along with stalking sometimes and the phase where you’re leaving someone who’s ab#sive can be the most dangerous. Take care and good for you for choosing yourself and your wellness and trusting your gut.

OP responded:

It's unfortunate cause he works right across from my apartment and I’m only moving a block away lol, he only lives a couple blocks away too. He can always tell if I’m home or not since it’s street parking. I do want to sell my car soon. But he’s known my door code and it hasn’t been an issue when we’re not talking.

I’m moving from a first floor unit to a top floor so definitely much safer. As long as I don’t give him a key/code to the new place it will be fine. I’ll most likely see him around.

-FireStar- wrote:

Remember to write down the reasons why you left. ALL OF THEM.
Keep them in a notebook safely tucked away or post em next to your desk. Just in case you ever remember the good times and think it could work again.

No, it is not normal to not speak to your partner for days on end.

OP responded:

Thank you I’m definitely going to journal more. I agree it’s not normal. If he had told me something like “hey I’m super stressed and not doing well mentally, I need a few days alone” that would be completely different. I try to ask him what’s going on and he won’t say anything. He just runs any time I confront his negative behavior so I’ll shut up about the issue.