Once upon a year ago, i (F23) went on a paid vacation with my boyfriends (M25) family (we’re going on 5 years). His older brother (M 29) decided to get overly intoxicated and start a crazy fight with his wife on the second to last night of the trip. The wife made a tiny comment teasing him about how something he said to another guy earlier was “cringey” and he LOST it.
He started calling her names and yelling. It was their personal stuff coming up obviously. A drunken family vacay night has drama involved. It wasn’t abnormal to me at first.
However, it escalated to the brother getting in her face and we all stepped in to defend her. Brother got in my boyfriend’s face yelling still. At some point I had said “we should just all go to bed” and then he got in MY face. He backed me up against the kitchen counter less than an inch from my face telling me I had no right to be there or to say a single thing.
Now, I am not a large nor strong woman. I’m 5’4, 125 pounds. My instincts kicked in. I had never been in this kind of situation before, but I scanned my surroundings quickly. I was on the verge of tears but all the instincts in my body were screaming at me not to show how scared I was. I said “Get out of my face right now.” And he said “Or what?” and I said something like “Let’s not find out.”
When he backed off, his wife pulled me and the boys sister aside to let the boys talk it out and she then confessed how he has abused her over the course of their marriage.
I immediately decided he wouldn’t EVER be allowed around my own family. I told my boyfriend that his brother will not be welcome to attend our wedding. He agreed, BUT his mother said, “If brother isn’t invited, I will not be there”. And unfortunately for her, we both agreed that if that’s her choice then so be it. Am I the A**hole at all?
Edit: I’m mostly battling with the fact that my poor boyfriend will have no brother and no mother at his wedding. His dad in not exactly reliable so he may or may not show up. His sister and her kids and his aunt and uncle and cousins who are about all our age will definitely be there but that’s about it for his family :/
I just feel bad even though he thoroughly agreed with it. It has to hurt him more than me obviously. That’s my conflict between keeping to my word or possibly allowing him to attend with like a babysitter or something to force him to stay away from the drinks. Idk. I don’t want to do that but I feel bad specifically for my boyfriend’s sake.
Second Edit: I will still be inviting MIL whether she accepts or not. And I absolutely will still be inviting SIL and her kid (if he’s old enough by that time) as I’m having an age limit on kids at my wedding. I’m the oldest in my family and so really don’t want screaming babies/toddlers at my wedding 😅 I know that’s a 50/50 opinion sorry!
hauntedbye said:
Nope
sushi2467 said:
NTA. If your fiancé’s mom wants to support her abusive a$$hole of a son, then she can do that. Sounds like maybe the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree if she wants to excuse that behavior. She can also live with the consequences of choosing your fiancés brother.
OP responded:
Thank you, this is what i’ve been feeling but I wasn’t sure if maybe I sucked for simply not caring if she comes or doesn’t. I will not change my mind about his brother even though he has personally apologized to me. I told him to his face that he will never be forgiven. His mom will still be invited to the wedding but it’s her decision to attend or not. I do feel guilty about it though.
PerkyLurkey said:
Absolutely correct. He shouldn’t be involved in your wedding, because he can’t be trusted not to create a problem with other guests in the same room with him. This is a gigantic liability. Absolutely not an option whatsoever.
OP responded:
This is my reason for not inviting him :) thank you! I’ve explained this to his mom as well but she just said I was selfish and close minded. I told her I don’t mind her thinking that and that her son is still not welcome to ever come around my family with their kids.
DementusRulesGasTown said:
She shouldn’t be invited for standing up for the abuser anyway. Explain that she’s not wanted.
OP responded:
I made a comment like this to my boyfriend that if she seriously chooses not to come because of the brother…my view of her will be forever changed whether I like it or not. I would forever be wary of trusting her judgment for ANYTHING. She sure would never be allowed to watch my kids (if we end up having any) alone.
MissNikitaDevan said:
Of course you are NTA, you dont want a violent person at your wedding thats extremely reasonable, mommy dearest just wants to force/blackmail her way, good riddance to both of them
Aylauria said:
She doesn't deserve any sympathy. Or, frankly, any more of your energy or time. She values her abusive son over you and her decent son. Well, she can have him then. You can help BIL's wife and kids when she finally leaves him.
And OP responded:
I offered her this many times :) I let her know we will always have a bedroom available to her and her son forever and ever if they need to run for any reason I begged her to please turn to me. We will help her with zero hesitation and she’s been made very aware of this.
Aylauria said:
You've done your part. Now she has to hurdle the psychological barriers that make it hard to blow up your world, even when you are unhappy.
And OP responded:
Absolutely. I feel bad for her truly. I can’t imagine being stuck in that and I surely could understand how terrifying it would be to even consider trying to escape with a kid and no money of your own